Day 164: blue

in the end of 2008

i learn how to get over my first heartbreak

i sulked the first month of 2009 thinking love was beyond my reach

February taught me blue wasnt just a shade of loneliness

more like the scent of forever facing you

she was my February candy

by june

toothache

sometimes if something

or someone finds its way inside enough

no matter how string the love is

it starts to hurt

NOvember

we were sweet again

candies lips

december broken waiting for march

we will miss our new year together

i am waiting for candy

but commitment isnt always smooth

easy

sometimes

its sour

leaving after taste

its always leaving something at least

at least she is not to selfish just to take

i can not wait to see what the other end of forever looks like

DAy 163: static

i feel like i'm loosing you more and more each day to the distance

only the silence between us seems to resonate

i cannot feel what fits in that space

we are just whitewash

waiting for something louder than white noise to wake up from our nightmares

we are silenced in the deep of the blue

holding onto our anchors that we created together

know single knee dead hearts

trying to remember what it felt like when we were side by side

the ocean is moving me further

as you drift towards your adventure

im still waiting for something more than the static to sing back to me

day 162: ocean

i cannot seem to tie my words to my strings

melodies defeat me

i am no musician anymore

just a poet with a shiny guitar

and a girl who my words dont fit around beautifully enough

i rather not disgrace her

tonight

ill dream silently

without her beside me

just a heart full of distance

waiting for the ocean to shrink

Day 161: voice

lately i sing myself to sleep

drink your memories like tears

i used to sleep to the rhythm of your heart beat

but from here

i cannot even hear your voice anymore

just try to turn your scent into kisses

on my skin

i hold the space next to me like lifeline wishing

for heartstrings to be able to pull cross continents and countries

cross language barriers

in ever language a tear is one begging to be held

so tonight

im drowning in myself

begging for more of you

wishing that my skin could hold your voice

Day 160: when

hearts dont break evenly

they melt

molasses in palms

we are that butter melting

broken

tearing at seems that dont exist

it seems there is something more than sugar and milk

we are substance

Day 159: what we say

what we say when we arent together to ease the nerves

love is enough when its strong

what we say in our minds when we are lonely

love is enough when its strong

the only thing im sure i know

our love is strong

we are enough

we are more than enough

day 158: Christmas

i am woken up to the sound of coffee grinding

this is typical for 845 in my home

there are people drugging themselves awake into happiness

its christmas

and i still have sisters who believe in its magic

me

i have too much resentment dug under my skin

santa claus doesnt have the tools to give me what i want

there is nothing more to enjoy about this holiday except the way it brings people together

but not even santa claus or jesus and move boston closer to this shore

my wish this year

was to be able to hold her through the night christmas eve

its unfortunate she is not here she holds my christmas cheer

and i miss her

Day 157: Lightbuld

lightbulb is a stupid word

i asked my sister for a work to start a poem with

but lightbulb is stupid

my christmas tree has many little light bulbs around it

im allergic to that stupid tree

and its stupid lights and christmas

and im grouchy

and i feel bad

cuz theres a beautiful girl in boston

waiting for a smile to sail from these islands

hold her like sunshine

and i know im that sunshine

always

and forever

day 156: untitled

there are no tears in his eye when he cries

only diamonds

his skin is yellow

we watch him

eyes closed

smiling

broken

we sing as if we hold healing in our voices

but we all know

no one is healing here

we are all just breaking backwards

pretending its growth

like we are learning

i am not learning anything but not to trust any breathe to last long enough to say something worth listening to

i am not growing

i am just falling backwards back into heaven

he is to

but neither are welcome

it is far too soon

for death

he see her waiting

gets excited

i am far too selfish for wanting to keep him close

here

for just a moment

there is nothing more to say

in the meantime we pretending this isnt goodbye

that i'll see you in 50 some odd years

but who knows how long heaven holds you

before you are sent backwards

backwards

backwards

where we wont be anymore

Day 155: Make me a TV Screen

there are things that touch us

no matter how fabricated

created

Art imitates us

and yet we cry at its knowing trying to be art

to be beautiful

spralw me over your flat screen

watch me bleed

i wanna be like those faces tears fallings

smiles so big mouths look broken

make me like those stars half shot on stage

i wanna be that sparkle

that story

saving lives

like melodies

i wanna be that note

that ends each song

the syllable held at the end of her tongue

DAy 154: One

sometimes when i dream her eyes transform to orange

like sunsets

the kind thats shattered

she is only one

but sometimes i feel her a million times over my skin

in my mind

she is only one

but some nights

i hold enough thoughts to be confused of how many skins she fills

shes is all over me

6 thousand miles away

she is not JUSt one

she is THE one

day 153: California

california used to wreak with the stench of ripping roots

torn seems

but my skin

is bleaching nicely to the sounds of san Francisco's sky line

my roots have found there way to the heart of a moving ship

she is a sailing heart

i am barely her sail

waiting for the winds to blow us in the right direction

the storms been brewing

we can see in it the horizon

where the ocean meets our sky

these lines are broken

but our hearts

still tangled

roots

still tracing

we are still holding

california is our only connection

so we hold on like we are sailing

she is my life line

we are just wandering

no compass

just heading towards that horizon

where it wreaks like california

like new beginnings

just past the storm

baby, keep holding on

Day 152: Reach

Reach

she's got a feather for a heart beat

i've got arms that dont stretch as long as i wish they would

she dreams of morning where she doesn't have to reach father than the other end of the bed for her love

im wishing for the same

but all we do lately is dream

dream

wait

wait

we are in the wings

tapping our toes to the world soundtrack beat

we are victims of distance

one hand full of hearts

the other searching for our own

playing cards

trading suits for seconds

trading stories for memories

waiting for forever to happen already

so we are no longer reaching

we are just living

Day 151: Fail

Fail

Clean cut crevice broken

we shatter in breathing somedays

wake up

heatless

above the whether under our armpits

we hide our failures

like lies we couldnt keep

and truths we never found our ways out of

mask the maze in our eyes

trying to find a way out

to our surprise

we still sleep soundly

still dream of the same fairy tales

and still wake up short of breath

are we dreaming still

am i breathing still

is there something left to be done

if we've already failed.

Day 150: Worth

my joints are made of glass

matted fibers

fragile breaking under the pressure

all good coaches will tell you to run through the pain

its all in your head

its your lack of stamina building bricks

keep running

keep running

til you cant no more

just keep moving til you cant no more

it will be worth it

even if you are wheel chaired by 30

it will be worth it

for a flat stomach and tone legs

it will be worth it

for the love of the game

it will be worth it

so they tell me

Day 149: For Kahu Doug

at 6

i would breathe god

paint his stories on my skin

they were my stories too

i was told

jesus

was my big brother

the kind that should not be forgotten

the kind that is always there even though he's gone

at 10

i held out my body like sacrifice to every cause my family found worthy

i lived to give myself

i wanted to be jesus

Messiah

to save the world from pain

i have learned that pain

is mostly caused by those who fight so hard to avoid or mask it

since then i have started living

at 13

i questioned

everything

i left jesus and his father on their pedestal

i was done with burning bushes

10 commandments

eternal love

i couldn't even love myself

how would i believe someone who had never met me did

i was convinced i knew everything

at 15

i watched a beautiful girl die

since then i cant think of a hospital or the color pink without remembering flat lines

and blond hair

at 17

i fell in love for the first time

and almost started believing that heaven was the kind of place i would end up in

then my heart was broken

i started wishing for hell

18

i fell in love again

held the kind of passion that is illegal in most states

most countries

at 19

i realized i had met the woman i wanted to marry

i had always known who i would want to hold the ceremony

one day after confessing all these things to the woman i trusted the most

telling her my dream wedding

location, guests, kahu

my mother called

said a few sentences about livers and pancreases and cancers

told me my savior was dying

ever since i was 9 i have understood mortality

that people you love leave and never come back

but kahu doug

you were never mortal to me

kahu,

i have owed you a poem for more than 3 years

and if you think about it,

i've been writing it for over 13

and yet when it matters

when the clock starts ticking loud enough for a 19 year old college student to cry

i cant think of a word to say

except,

when i pray

i think of you

for as long as i can remember

every prayer i have ever said has been addressed to you

you were the only man who helped me believe that there is something more in this life than my mistakes and misfortunes

there is beauty in the way we love and cry

and there is not a single fiber in my body that doesn't wholly believe that when you cross over

you will be in heaven

you will be watching

we again will be the ones blessed

for your hands will be upon us always

praying

singing

helping us find our way.

Day 148: make up

running low

out of words

these poems

dont save themselves from my veins

they wait there

waiting for the next scratch

cut

broken

then the words fall

like leaves in boston autumn

make poems

make me beautiful

color my skin

made up with similes

metaphors

romanticize heartache

shattering skin

tomorrow

give me the heartache of bright blue eye shadow

mascara

nothing it water proof

nothing holds its beautify when the tears finally come

day 147: truth?

for over 2 years, maybe three

or 4

i've promised you a poem

tonight you will fall asleep painfully

iv drip lullabies

i have no metaphors to sooth you

i do not know what to say

except when i pray,

i imagine you

as jesus

as god

pearly gates

you

i guess if you imaging something for long enough

it comes true

day 146: heart

where are our hearts

the parts we've hidden from ourselves

tracing taste-buds onto for-arms

your fingertips

i've forgotten what they taste like backwards

my memory is screwed on sideways

somedays

i wake at midnight

while falling to sleep

dreaming

i wake at midnight

dreaming while falling asleep

asleep while dreaming

i wake

somedays

my memory is screwed on sideways

i forget to remember

remembering i forget my sideways is screwed to my memory

my memory

your memory

where are our hearts

beautiful

are we beautiful

heart?

Day 145: taking your que

you want answers to questions i havent come to terms with existence

mistake seem to dissolve if you fight hard enough to try to forget

but you have hands like memories pulling strings

and pushing buttons

i cant help but break everytime you remind me of how i've broken you

i cant hold you together form here

and these fractures fit my fingertips

but i am oceans and continents away

my arms dont stretch like that

but my heart

my heart will sing to you if you will listen

hold your tears if you allow it

i will cry with you as long as you let me

follow

i am following

day 144: Savin me

your eye match your robes

but i remember when your robes match your beard

you are the only man i will let pray for me

please pray for me

the only man i know will be in heaven

not that no one else deserves it like you

but that no one believes like you do

you are my jesus

you saved me

Day 143: fuck

finals are a bitch

tomorrow they wont exist

but life is now, Fuck

day 142:

she doesnt taste like plastic

more like water

moving

she touches me like the ocean

my whole body at once

holds me like the breeze

her grasp is cold

but her heart

her heart

is warm

like her breath

if i could i would bottle it

hold it whiles she traveling

she never stops moving

and i never stop chasing yesterday and comfort and security

we are waiting to be in one place for more than a day together

still searching for a tomorrow that seems realistic enough to picture

we are our own worst enemys

our aspirations are the only pillars between us and our dreams

day 141:haiku

this is me writing

141 poems

what a fucking waste

day 140: memory

the look in her eyes when she realizes my math isnt that bad

that when i say 4 days

it means 4 more half slept nights

3 more unwelcomed mornings

that look in her eyes

feel likes 108 days

where sleeping yourself to sleep in the arms of the one you love is nothing but a distant memory

and being alone

Day 139: silence

where is the reason in death?

whats the point in faith

when we all know it ends

Day 138: love

she has sex to procrastinate

i take advantage of that

daily

Day 137: questions?

darkness taste salt like candy

your lips

cracked slightly

moisture only held in tear duct

flowing

we are sinking in our own tears falls behind our own expectations

what will we make of tomorrow?

Day 136: white noise

trace these stories on my skin

palms sand paper breaking veins

love the life lines

the crooked ones

the ones broken

repaired

like we are broken

repaired

remember how your heart felt whole

this is no love poem baby

this are just those pictures we've been taking

since day one

trying to glue ourselves back into the cracked smiles

but now

we are just the background

the whitenoise

the sound of a wave crashing

at daybreak

Day 135:she cries

she shakes when she breathes too hard

there are diamonds falling out of her eyelids on to my chest

you can already see the scars forming

her tears scrap like sandpaper hearts on my skin

i want to go back to laughter baby

when we held each other tickled

rather than shattered

so ill hold you til you are sleeping

soundly

hum you my heart like lullaby

that is all i can promise now

Day 134: Gasping

this afternoon i soaked your pillow case with my tear

you smothered my heart with your palms

neither of us remember how to breathe properly

let alone open our wings

we've forgotten to sing each-other to sleep

like our old promises to hold each-other forver

now we only hold til midnight

gasping for morning

day 133.5: For you

This one is for Jenna.