Day 533: fathers

my fathers
dreams of being the kind of man
that hands down only his good jeans
but hawaiian fathers
have not yet learn such a skill
to give only the strength
rather than the pain that comes from carrying and island chain on their shoulders
there are secrets we hide under our smiles
they catch fire like cancers
build this boulders broken
berlin
surround our hearts with marble
praying to only be the best of our ancestors
we fail
they failed first
we say
make ourselves feel better
it doesnt
we dont
everything here is broken
somehow
we still want to give someone our strength
hoping they leave behind the pain

Day 532:confessions

she was not afriad to die
asked the doctors
only
to make it smooth
make the going away
quick
too fast to feel almost
but death
is not something you rip off like a bandied
mourning
and sunrises
dont flash
they cascade
somehow has to break slow
shatter
crumble
contort herself into forgotten
for you to be at ease
no one ever leaves without being remembered
or forgotten
somehow its the same today
the things we never said
are piling up like regrets
but we dont have time to call them that
we call then tears
sad
try not to notice
rip them from our skins
like Band-Aids
try to make the forgetting quick
like the pain never existed
like not feeling
is worth it
when its not

we kill ourselves in our foolishness
at the end of it all
i hope we notice
i hope it hurts
i hope it destroys us
tears us to bits

Day 531: the chase

These days move slow
not like the last 5 hundred and 30
slow
like
something inside me is shattering
with the seconds
i can feel each shard
forcing itself into tissue
looking for a home
every part of me is searching for something to hold
and call its own

this morning i woke up and dreamt i was sleeping in the cradle of california
wishing to come home
wishing to be somewhere else
thats familiar too
the glass pieces you call skin
are sheltering
peeling
turning to ash
still trying to move
when everyones been sayin
its inanimate
not able to define the term
just that it means i am broken
and weak
and not what i should be
not who i wished
5 hundred and 30 something days ago
when i believed in more than women
loved more than the stage
when there was something beautiful inbetween my pen and the page
something i was hoping to hold
something i've been running for for years
somehow its still missing
and i feel myself slowing down
growing too old
for
the
chase

Day 530:

keep your faith in the space between my ribcage and my lungs
theres a place there i've kept for you all.
i've thrown mine to the horizon
hoping it finds a home somewhere near your breath
or at least to your lips

i am lonely here
too lonely to even move
everything around me quakes
even your memory
but i am still
paralyzed
unable to feel you all
unable to remember what it means to be me
proper
alone
and
quiet

Day 529:

when you have lost all your poems
forgotten how to sew words into your skin
when it hurts
and you have no were to turn
but the sky
run to the edge of it all
soak yourself in the ocean
find home with the parts of you that are buried
and broken
shake the thunder from you fingertips
the sweat form the skies
remember
it is the darkest part of our bodies that hold such secrets
hold them still
they will emerge when the time is right
and not a moment before

day 528: remember

all the good poems have the same name
love fits around most shapes
life is easy that way
try something new
force a square through a circle
marvel at your own miracles
the one thats finds that your pigments match perfectly with her
how you melt into each other in ways you've never wished to with anyone else
call that love
cuz it will fit, perfectly

life is easy that way
remember

Day 527: love

i have run out of words
songs
poems
promises
everth i've ever had is now yours
and i am dried up
gone dead
gone broken
gone gone gone
to the edge of where humanity sits
i am watching the sky fall
my hear is fuller than its ever been
done empty still someone thinks i feel robbed
but i feel beautiful naked
like this
watching you
the sky is crying
but i am happy
thinking about the oceans i will find
in your eyes

Day 526: pain

well tell ourself
stop when the pain comes
turn away
run
in the opposite direction
nothing good could possibly come from this
but with enough time
we find ourselves past our demons looking into mirrors
at souls that are pure again
growth works that way
through pain
through the parts of life you try to ignore
wish to avoid
sometimes
you get caught under the needle
and you are better for it.

Day 525: kakau

Ho'i hou i ka iwi kuamo'o-
return to the backbone.
the process begins at birth.
the promise begins today.

Day 524: hehehe

the only constant
is the love family brings you
and of course the pain

ahahah. :P

Day 523: body

we are given bodies
a canvas of sorts
to do with what we wish
i do not believe that god wants me pure
why then would he give me choice.

Day 522:

you are a reminder that mistakes happen
can happen again
can make you think its right
when it wrong
over and over
til you are broken
she is broken
snapped
twisted
everything cold
wet
anything is justifyable
if you give yourself time to crack the code
theres nothing honorable aboutthe truth
i promise you.

Day 521: rain haiku

WHEN THE RAIN FORGETS
that falling is only growth
learn to make your own

day 520: tie my hands remix

i left some of the lyrics the same cuz it fit and cuz i've never tried to write a rap before so i needed to take baby steps. listen to lil waynes tie my hands while reading. enjoy


Yeah some say tragedy is hard to get over
But sometimes tragedy means its over soulja
From the islands we seem too spoiled
but its hard to move on with feet like anchors

My hold is strong, tryin to prove them wrong
They say they aint doing nothing but moving on, but let the truth me known
When they ripped our queen from her thrown
They took more than just our homes


Chorus

They knocked down our homes, told us to go
Built sugar in our fields, played games we didn’t know
Don’t bother with whats right, they only know wrong
We been trynna teach um all along

lost almost everything , but we ain’t the only ones
got natives on the continent, singing the same songs
first came the sailors, then missionaries son
spreading Jesus like disease through their steel and guns-

best believe we keep our eyes open
our islands under water, rich haoles still flaotin
nd they wonder why our brown brothers still moking
cuz crazy politicians still choking

no pro football team, or basketball team
all we got is the warriors to rep our family
but lingle passes out furloughs like prayers
so we all just struggle hoping someone’s got some to spare

Chorus

and if you come from under that water, then that's fresh air
just breathe baby God's got a blessing to spare
yes i know the process is so much stress
but its the progress that feels the best

we came back from death fighting straight TO success
keep your head up high
they can't steal your pride its inside.
then find it and keep on grinding
Cuz in every dark cloud theres a silver lining, i know.

Day 519: P.R.I.D.E

you are a generation of children born into silence
the darkness of your parent's secrets
you held those burdens
like stones in your pockets
and wished to be something bigger than those who came before
asked more than your parents would've imagined or wanted

we call you movers and shakers
for a reason
there are volcanos in your breath
earthquakes frozen into the soul of your shoes
you leave change in your wake
breaking the foundations of our 4 heteronormative fathers
there is something to be said about the blood in your footsteps
the secrets that are still causing tornadoes in your torso

i hope
these are the parts of your mornings you remember
when the wind is calm
and the secrets fly like butterflies in your chest
like fires that are wishing to burst from your lips
you have the strength of every evening hiding in your pigments
whether you can see them or not
dont dare forget
there is a power in your voice
even during their silence
the truth you hold evident

they do not fear you because you are ignorant
they fear you because your knowledge is dangerous
they know
that if you chose to speak
and you will
it will destroy
everything they've lived by
for generations

Day 518: 518 is my birthday

i want to write more about the days we left behind
more about the oceans
and the people
the women
who carried us for 9 months
and the ones who held us longer
the palms we were pried from

how much of your skin to you actually know?
how many of your mothers do you remember to pray to
how many of your daughters
did you push back into ablivion
in fear of what motherhood would mean

we have too many secrets here
in silence
where the prayers you to hang
like the heat thats been left behind
over our skin
its something we feel in sweat
in fear
in salt
and oceans

i am here to remind you
that you are part of the songs you have forgotten
a piece of all that will be lost

Day 517: music

i have forgotten
how to play your skin's guitar
wont you, teach me, love

Day 516: kumulipo

what do you call your darkness
the one that rises with the sun
the kind you'll never be free off
what do you call your gods
the ones who've forgotten to fly
and live in the space between your blood and pigment
wishing you'd look more like them
you wish that too
im sure
what do you call your children
the ones who dont remember the taste of your kiss
how its bitter
like the ocean
like every other part of you that used to have a name
and now sits
in the slime
waiting to be called upon
waiting for someone to remember
recall
even a letter
a grain of sand
a chant
a prayer

Day 515: haiku

you feel like the sun
some days you warm my skin. but
others you just burn

Day 514:

i wonder
if there really is enough darkness
to be written every day
if there is something ore to be said
something i might say
that would be new
make you think
make you change

Day 513:

family always
bonded in our roots. never
do we stray too far

Day 512: darkness

there are a thosand different kind of darkness
i've named each one after the nights we've spent apart
each is cold
but in a different way
lonesome
the same

Day 511: idk

"the woman told me the sadest thing i ever heard" i spit on it
stuck it to the bottom of my shoe
and walked 10 miles
trying to scrape the tears off the rubber with each step
these kinds of moments last lifetimes
cause you to breathe slow
exaggerate
she told me sad songs like they were laughs
and we were supposed to be joking
i hid myself under he bed
spat at the ceiling
wishing someone would hear me

Day 510:

this place wreaks of mistakes
but its the closest we have to a home
so we lay our bricks where the world can see
building promises
we never would have trusted
but we make our way
somehow
together
like mistakes are just cracks in the road
something
easily forgotten
unlike our love

Day 509: terisa

brown and beautiful
you are never very near
never too far gone

Day 508: itch

theres a song i slipped under your skin the first time we kissed
i've been waiting for you to sing it
back to me
break the barricades
like promises we shouldn't have made

i've been thinking a lot about time lately
and how it passes
and grows
and leaves you feeling old
and forgotten
you hae that affect on me
make me feel small
and shadow like
in your pressence
breaking into melodies that cant be heard
or found
under your skin
like an itch

Day 507: To finals

Fuck, I Never Actually Learned Shit
seems to be the common consensus
we are spreading our time thin
stretching our sentences thick
trying to build essays and thesises out of thin air
and 4 lokos
it is dark tonight
and quite on campus
i want to go home
but i've got three teachers
an exam and 20 pages in my way
thursday im going to the beach
you can fail me on paper
but my life is SWEEEEEEEt

ahahaha
peace

Day 506: To San Francisco Airport and John Mayer

you are cold
and feel more like home than Stanford does
some days
I wonder if I know this place better than my own school town
Probably
I’ve made myself a space among the places that move
Where no one else stays
For too long
I watch people come and go like rip tides
Listen to voices of people I cannot see
Peoples who need to be heard
And aren’t any other way
This is where the voiceless come to follow
To listen
To break beneath the weight of fake marble floors
Stainless piallars
Come to watch the sleek travel into forever

I am in the place where no one stays
Not for too long
On chair that only hold you for a couple hours before you feel the needs to run
Far far away
Too home or a place that looks enough like it for now

Today I want to write a song by a white boy onto the inside of my fingertips
Want to sing like on ones looking
But everyone here is always starring
Wondering where the worlds going
And why so fast
That’s the plight of flight I suppose
We’ve got to keep moving
We don’t know what else to do
What else will prove that we are still alive

Day 505: To the little blond haired boy riding the escalator for the first time…

You are the smile of every sunrise I haven’t seen yet
All the ones im still waiting for
As patiently as possible
Every reminder that although the thought of labor and hospitals makes me want to cry and scream simultaneously
That theres still nothing else in this world I want more than children
You terrify me

You fathers joy
Is the look I remember every morning from a 5’10 brown man
The look that told me I was beautiful before I could feel it myself
You are proof of humanity
Beauty
That theres something more to be living for
Something to look forward to
With more than just fear
You make me want to leave this long beach plane behind
Find one crossing the pacific
Board and never leave home again

Day 504: To the last boy I ever kissed

You were a stereotype I stitched to the inside of my thighs
The kind of things we sleep to forget
When you told me you loved me
I didn’t believe you
But I said it back
I didn’t mean it
You were too small
And tool weak
Too nice to be a man
Couldn’t hold me up
The way I wanted or needed
Couldn’t imagine sleeping with you into the morning
That’s why we only ever kissed standing up
Pushed against walls
Back into corners
Against the door of my closet
Because ethat how you made me feel
Trapped

I took my first girlfriend to ever place we touched lips
And kissed her like we were oceans
Like we were endeless
I told her the same thing I told you but meant it
And you wouldn’t mind im sure
The love you had for me
Was the kind that come and go with the wind
With the day
Only around when its cold and no one else is answering
We had that kind of love

The funny part was I think we thought the other didn’t know
But thres nothing left to hide
You were my back up hand to hold
And for what it was
It was enough

Day 503: To the cold

you are the bitter bitch
who
's husband done left her
who thinks she's nothing without a man
without a dick
so you cut yourself into other women
in spite of the universe
do your best to get under anyones skin
make them shiver

i see you cold
see you basking under cloud cover
like vacation
like you're gonna bring the storm
like you're gonna make me as miserable as possible today
but you forget to do your research son,
us polys hold ray in our blood
sunlight shines bright in darkness
we've seen lots of it
theres no space for games
just fake haters playin
dont worry
you'll learn soon enough
how to hold your man
keep him coming
and know that you dont really need him