Day 282: blah

i need to write a poem

but all i can think about is the texture of her hair

and the way you are torturing yourself reading my every breath backwards

upside down

twisting every syllable into a noose to hang us both from

its hard enough for everything to be over

even friendship hangs on thin thread here

but to know that i still have some sort of power in re-breaking you is terrifying

my own hands are folding into themselves

i will continue to hide then im the shadows

Day 281: freudian slip

i can freudian slip my way into love with you

and ill put my foot in my mouth everytime

you wont believe me

find me tearing my tongue out at the end of each sentance

we all do it, say things we shouldnt say but mean anyway.

just be happy that the things i shouldnt say are beautiful

but they still shake the earth

we are bouquets ripping the seems

tangled roots tearing at each others feet

hoping the other might close the gap soon

but these words dont shorten the distance

you are still an ocean away

and im still ashamed of what i said

only cuz you seemed to be too

the static is deceiving

sometimes

i picture you in my dreams

telling me you are in love with me too

in the morning

its hard to tell the difference.

Day 280: i dont fucking know

wall me up alive in my own body

let my heart beat there forever

leave me caged in skin

eternity waiting on my every breath

leave me there in calloused skin

let me tear the seems

and re-sew myself something new

something shiny

like the shell of a car

i could live there beating

this is is too "old school" for my taste

give me a hard-shell body

make me beautiful

reproducible

lessen my value, take my skin

take my breath

leave me here alive

caged in

something new

if not

leave me be

Day 279: my first sestina

To the love i had that i never wished to set

I am afraid, during daybreak to have lost part of you in the darkness

That’s where we hold our love, hard, broken

During sunrise

Some mornings I pretend to forget the way you touched

As to pretend you were never here, that way, its easier to be whole

But The feeling only last as long as a breath

The sunset, falls like im short during the night on breath

That is where I find you. In between horizons, fighting the darkness

You lay among severed bodies taunting them with your heart whole

Everything but you in this world is ugly broken

But you, you are still golden, platinum as if un-touched

on the good days, you call yourself sunrise

There are women who close their eyes to you, sunrise

Afraid to lose their breath

Everyone wants to leave something behind without being left behind or touched

it is the only thing we share in this darkness

our fear to show our hearts broken

but here it takes too many lies to be whole

I don’t remember being whole

I was never that well put together, not like the sunrise

But what does it mean to be broken

If we somehow still have our breath

Maybe we are sitting in the wrong shade of darkness

Just waiting for something to touch

Do you remember the first ting you broke from a single touch

How you thought dying was the only way you’d never again be whole

Before you learned no to let the world speak to you in darkness

Remember you were born a sunrise

Your mother watched you grow from her own breath

There is something beautiful in you, even broken

I have heard a story of the broken

The ones everyone fears to touch

So they hide themselves in their breath

Pretending to be whole

your mother told me thats why she birthed the sunrise

It was the only way to break the darkness

I think that’s why we love the sunrise

Why it always takes our breath

Because we owe it so much from leading us away from the darkness

Day 278: the sun an you

It is sunny here in northern California
The pretty girls are frolicking in floral skirts
Their hair moves in the wind like tides
It looks like a postcard at Stanford in spring
It is beautiful
And I am thinking of u

Day 277: 3 weeks away from you

tonight,

the ocean is taunting our static songs

i cannot smell the salt from here

my skin is dried

my heart is adjusting to the atmosphere

the horizon seems to be crying today in your absence

you are 3 hours behind me everyday

and yet most minutes i feel like i am following your breath

waiting for the sound of your chest rising at morning with the sun

there are three weeks that stand between us

and we walk towards each other in quicksand in the meantime

trying to hold our pride above the soil we find ourselves sinking into

somedays, i drop my body below the life line

my pride falls with me

in case that happens again soon

i want you to know

i love you much more than my self image

i'd rather hold u above this sullen earth than my heart

in many ways they are one in the same

the only difference is

my heart is always here

a constant reminder of how your absence aches

Day 276: best we can do

i should be used to this

the jetlag

the runway

the tarmac

the landing gear

the goodbyes

the tears

the leaving

but every time i return

i learn to miss something new

someone new

she is why leaving hurts at early evening

why the takeoff doesn't feel just right

why i stall as much as i can just to spend a little more time in her buble

there are things we will never learn to love

distance

is one of them

sometimes

dealing and living at the same time

is the best we can do

Day 275: the adventures we shared on my living room bed

there are mornings when the ocean isnt enough

those are the days i find you sleeping in my skin

or beside me

breathing heavy

almost at a snore

its amazing how i can lose myself in your heartbeat

or the movements that seem random enough to bring you closer to me in the middle of the darkness

i swear last night

you pulled at my body during dream

held me like you wanted me in your skin

and i wished i could hold myself there forever

like i wished i could pocket the skin shaking vibrations of the day before

but somethings are meant to slip through your grip

to keep you around

to keep you honest

and real

and committed

so tomorrow

during dream

maybe we'll both turn to each others still bodies

hold out our palms

and ask each other to trace the others life line

maybe then we will learn to hold each others bodies

like we hold our own skin

tight

day 274: Hali'a

my sister dances like the moon

she is the only light in a dark room

a monalisa smile

she hides behind her leotards

tells stories with her skin

she is more beautiful that i will ever learn to write her

tomorrow,

she turns fourteen

and i turn old

turn into sisters who never there enough

not around

not that i could help her anywayswe've got nothing in common but blood

but timelines and lifelines

family branches that crack at the foundation

we got nothing but history

traditions

stories

and pride

we've got nothing but the same smile

and unforgiving hair

and mother

we've got the same mother

the same temper

the same need to be more

desire to explore

we've got nothing but childhood memories

we've got everything but time

left

just days, i guess

no one can predict

she is forteen tomorrow

and i am growing old in the meantime

wondering where the years went

where the wild things went to hide

whether or not we can go back

whether or not i would actually wnat to go back

cuz i was mean then

and she was irritating

and im probably still mean

but she's the most beautiful girl i've ever called family

i'm sad i've missed so much

and rarely understood

we have nothing in common but blood

but surely thats a lot more than i ever thought it would.

day 273: coming home

when she comes here

she grabs me like she trying to take a part of me with her when i leave

like shes trying to take me apart

so she knows how i'm built

so she can build me back up

thats how i dream her

coming

i dream her screaming

my name over blues

our bodies pulsating at the frequency of distance

and time

neither are on our side most days

but today

we've got distance on time out and bodies that cant help but recoil into each other

so lets play memory blindfolded

with my hands tied behind my back

or we can play red rover slinging our skins into each other hoping to leave something behind and take something a long to remember

whisper sweet somethings into my chest

like my heart can hear you through the vibrations

hold me like i'm leaving

tight

like you cant stand to let me go

but in the meantime

don't forget how to hold the pieces upright when i do

when distance is back on the horizon taunting our lips with promises that time holds above our heads like tomorrows

ill wait for you there

keep you eyes pacing the shoreline

so you can see me coming

home.

Day 272: a test

you have a way of making me lose track of time

like the sun and moon could melt into itself

and i wouldn't even notice the change in temperature

i am unsure of the safety in everything that pertains to you

but i know

that when we kissed for the first time my heart started racing like trained track stars

in circles

i am dizzy somedays

when i think about you

find myself upside down remembering your smell

touch

lips

the way you breathe heavy in bed before you sleep

how you nestle in my chest

you worry of the pain you might cause me, laying there, still

but all is beautiful here baby

there is no pain

call yourself bandage

ointment

cover my body with your hands

my lips with your kisses

there will be no pain

just healing

we can forgive each other's sins better than we could ever forgive our own

but maybe,

maybe the first step to letting go is holding each other up

maybe moving on is memorizing the braille in your moan

the texture in your breath

the taste of your sigh

maybe this was all just a test

that we finally passed

Day 271: potential

someone once told me that a butterfly could set a storm in motion

we are not as small as we've been convinced

we have a power too great for our own eyes

there is an energy that lies in our bones

we havent yet learned to harness

i wonder if we will ever understand our true potential.

Day 270: the way you breathe

The way u breathe
I am in awe
Folding my heart into diamonds to slip into your pockets
I Hide myself in your skin
The way you breathe
I find myself inside out sprawling my skin over the ocean
Contortionist blocked into salt
I am a broke tide without direction
Diamonds don't float
And no one remembers exactly how they felt
When u breathe I remeber what folding myself feels like
Wht loving someone more than u love yourself burns like
And how it all taste when it's through

Day 269: shitty shitty shitty

sometimes i forget why i write

where these words come from

why i am standing here

sometimes i have a hard time remembering

simple things

the important things

that we are born with

like our umbilical chords

just because it falls off doesn't mean it never existed

doesnt meant we arent meant to remember how to feel ourselves

to be strong

we need memory to remind us

and it all begins with writing

finding the pen and paper

saving the time for your own heart to breathe

because

its not just your lungs that need oxygen.

Day 268:Happy belated Birthday Beautiful

i don't know what year she was born

there is no tomb stone to refer to

she is ocean

water

moving still

almost breathing

on the right days

you can see her in the white wash

yesterday was her birthday

and im sure

if i could have gotten myself to the ocean i would have felt her there

instead

i greeted her in dream

trying to bring myself lucid

there are so many things i wish i ask

but some nights

god

or whoever is in charge at the time

makes things extra complicated

each time i see her i'm taking the back seat to my own vocal chords and body

just watching

and all i want to know

is her full birthday

but im too ashamed to admit that there are things about this woman

simply things

that i have forgotten

all i can remember is nov. 29, 1999

what a shame.

Day 267: tradition

the numbers are getting higher

arbitrarily

like it means something to write

267 poems in a row

days pass like books

like these stories might only be words

but i know they are more

they are blood

and tears

the reason why my sister

who dances like tidal waves

bless her heart

will turn away from young dreams

because she feels right within the walls our these traditions

yes

we can feel traditions

just as easily as we can taste these words

there is something real in 267 days

we wonder

how long forever will take

will there every be enough words

poems

is a year real

if no one remember the words they held in their bones

who are we all writing for?

hopefully not just for the daze

DAy 266: something new

i have gotten used to being here

lonesome

where no one can find me

between these wall

darkness

holds my skin

my body is beautiful

breaking

the way we were taught in youth

somedays i sleep through my dreams

forgotten

there is no space here for imaginations

so i sleepwalk through college corridors

scared

i pretend its warm enough to be home

no one will remember the pain here

foolish

we all have taught our selves to be forgotten

there are laws i've never learned

dishonest

i dont want to be the bad one

lonesome

i have gotten so used to being here

darkness

between these walls

hold my skin

where no one can find me

breaking

my body is beautiful

forgotten

somedays i sleep through my dreams

there is no space here for imaginations

the way we are taught in youth

i am breaking from the inside out

my stories are trying to speak

but everything is melting into itself

including my words

Day 265:Bones

Powder under skin

brittle

soft

so much more fragile than you feel

here

lonely

they are surrounded

yet feel nothing

unless in pain

taste nothing but blood in their marrow

they are nothing but skeleton

we are all waiting to break here

watching the sun change

the moon rise

the rain fall

we live between these days

most day

i feel brittle too

like nickel

someday

i hope to be more than this

dust

and

bones

Day 264: sinking

hitting still water can be like sinking into cement

falling out of love

is like

still water

it breaks you

then you suffocate

then you cant remember why you jumped in the first place

it stings like you are gonna drown forever

and everyone standing at the edge of the pool

gasping

just watching

its like jumping when you know you wont make the spin

but you're still going to take the leap

like being young is about heartbreak

like you wanted this all along

like you have no one to blame but yourself

cuz everyone knows she too beautiful to be the reason its all gone

its like

thinking that you've been walking forward for years and then being told otherwise

like when up feels like its wrong

and you cant bring yourself to turn anywhere but back

back

back

all you want is to go back but you cant

cuz nothing feels the same

and everything in the world has changed

and its all supposed to be right

but you know its wrong

cuz you are drowning

and you cant breathe

or sleep

and it reminds you of every time you used to sink

so you know its not right

but

if everything is wrong

then maybe thats how its supposed to be

Day 263: mortality.

it doens't matter,

you cant take it with you.

Day 262: mothers

when there is no one left to blame

we blame our mothers

slice their wombs

call it collateral damage

call our mothers

mistakes

in birthing

as if something so memorized could ever be anything less then miracle

we hold knowing in these bodies

Diasporic dances

and we hold these truths to be self evident

that anything we need will save us

anything worth saving

will survive

and we will continue to hold them here

even when we become the blamed

the mothers

when our mistakes become grandmother

and we become someone else's

excuse

for living

reckless

left

holding

skin and bone

the remains

we are the ones who leave last from the table

we clean up the messes

Day 261: sleep debt

i havent had a dream in what seems like weeks

my nights are full of struggle to stay awake

struggle not to fall into darkness

i spend my day time batting my eyes at the horizon

fighting dumbbell eyelids

i am tired

in every way possible

my bones are brittle

my skin is scraping itself to breathe

the nights are taunting me for regret of not sleeping

and my poetry is obviously suffering

in the process

Day 260: luggage

"You put so much stuff on yourself

Don’t you ever get tired of carrying"

my back is tired

cracked

we are dragging ourselves through this quicksand

praying to make it to tomorrow

we are carrying our history like scars

like luggage

she says im carrying to much around with me

but im just afraid of what i would look like naked

so i refuse to let go

Day 259:

flouting above your memory

no one sleeps here

everyone is waiting

writing love poems to god on our wrists

we are loving ourselves from the inside out

sinking below our inhibitions

flouting above our memory

Day 258: the woman

come to the temple

the sun is setting soon

there are still words written here in ink and blood

watch the freak dance by nightfall

sprawl her heart on your palm

call it prophecy

fall in love

call yourself beautiful in the reflection you find in her irises

make yourself feel better through witness testimate

they say

she wears brown people make up

dirt on her face

cheek shining that way

the way you look

come watch her dance for you

she will play your game

swallow every word you force her

she is just what you always wished for

come watch her die

--

she isnt good for much else anyways...

right?

Day 257: Sun and Moon

she says

i don't write enough happy poems

worries that my insides are darker than this skin

these nights

lately

i find myself re-sowing seeds of fear into heartbeat

trying to transcribe something more fitting to lull her to sleep

there is only blood and tears left at my feet

but i'm trying

beautiful, i promise

there's a silver lining coming in the distance

the horizon is starting to set itself on fire

and from here

it almost looks like a sunrise

some nights

i think we look like a sunrise too

you

and me

beautiful, we are like the solar system

keeping each other in orbit

motion

the moon and the sun

learning to love the other in their absence

i've heard stories of the beauty of our kiss

turning day time

twilight

eclipse

but during the darkness

im hoping you see

that the night of the horizon

doesn't reflect the core of the rising sun

all i'm trying to say is

there is a smile coming soon, beautiful

there are poems holding laughter

somewhere within me

just waiting to burst through my cement ribcage

so promise me

that you'll let the silver lining be enough until its time for apocalypse mornings

till the sun shines too bright that we cant do anything but wait for the moon to receive her

till its eclipse again

and we turn supernova within each other

just wait

beautiful

just wait

Day 256: 10 similes for the sun

The sunrise breaks too much like the ocean

The sunrise is a chronicle of our collective regret

It cuts itself, tattoos its yesterday to your tear ducts

The sunrise breaks like whitewash

The sky is a beautiful woman's canvas, she only shares with her child

We spend the morning watching her son grow, she raised him the way we all wished to be

Thrown to the stars, landing amongst the clouds, the sun rise is ungrateful

He’s waiting to be out of his mother’s shadow

The horizon is a father who’s not around enough

We are all just witnessing a family eclipse.

Watching the solar system collapse into itself

Day 255: loneliness

The water moves like my memory of my grandmother

How I’m sure she used to dance

The air taste like her touch,

Forgotten

Black pepper broken tears

There is absence here

I’ve put myself in the distance

Where the ocean is the only thing that is still living

here

Moving

here

It is dark

here

Cold

And reminds me of nothing I want to be reminded of

I am tired

I am breaking

Crashing to whitewash

I am not remembering

Anymore

She is not here

Nor will she ever be

again

Day 254: the ocean and you

im holding a secrets under my skin

like joy

waiting to explore into you

to become the ocean

of anything that powerful

i want to hold you from every angle at once

cover your body with this skin

these secrets

they make me explode some days

and then i think about water

how even when its beautiful and calm

it demands respect

and no mater how transparent

or blue

it holds its secrets

to keep itself aflOAT

maybe im entitled to the same

Day 253: Daddy's Girl

it is cold

night has barely ended

im 6

i would guess the time but its irrelevant

when you cant see the sun yet

the moon still shines

its still darkness

this time is sacred

we do not speak english

we are cautious

still molding our tongues around words we have been taught to forget

we are learning our own language

forming a bond of linguistic cable that cannot be broken

is it a simple time

we are almost silent

weary not to wake the woman who sleeps at this hour

or the other children

my mother and simblings

never enjoyed saying goodbye to the moonlight

we do the only thing that we can that is still sacred in this house

we cook

or at least he does

and we eat

starting down each others brown skin

finding our pride and strength in the love that emanate there

its sunrise

and we

have greeted this time together for as long as i can remember

father and daughter

waiting for god to turn over

waiting for the world to be light again

and yet

we both know

that beyond these walls

at any hour

it is still

just

darkness