day one: last night

last night

i cried into the pours of someones heart

not knowing it could spurt an affection i wouldnt be ready to harbor

today i will tell the women i love about my most recent mistake

and she will cry into silence

not knowing, she cant soften the sound of fracturing diamonds crashing

i will hear her

worse, feel her own tears on my fingertips as if i were the one comforting her instead of the destroyer

tonight

she may sleep in a bed with someone she doesnt love

place her breathe between two lips

forked like traffic

like decisions

she will not have to think

i did that for us

alone

you see,

i act sometimes as if my heart were in my back pocket

sit on love like its something that cant move

wont run away if i dont care for it properly

so i took hammers to golden foundations

our pilars left broken

the problem with beauty is its unstable

and its structure too simple

its easy to break

and we thought we were growing together but maybe you are just growing out of me

making our center of gravity lopsided

i wish i were better at balance

im sorry

after all of this

in the end

after days past and tears already formed diamonds on hardwood

i'd still like to hold you

lay with you

but i have shackles for arms

hanguffed fingertips

they only hold pain

i do you no justice

its just us left in the mess of ashes

so i leave scars and bruises to prove i was there

you promise me you wont forget

but what is the point of love if it leaves both sides broken

could you be the one who gets through me whole?

do we have a choice of who begins the night crying

and who wakes the next morning whole

or wakes at all

i think i'd rather sleep if you would like to live

"dont leave me

dont forget my destruction

the way i would love you

before my hands were covered in ink

bloody and tired of tears

do not forget how i will kiss you forever if you let me

do not forget how i will hold you forever if you want

do not forget that i will love you forever whether we are together or not"

what is a heart thats flattened by mistakes worth

my weight is hard to bear and my heart is soft tissue torn by my own blades

i am too proud for apologies

i can only scream when im sure no one is listening

because, i've always been a lover

forming huge rather than flatteringh flesh with harder nuckle grips

but baby maybe i was too foolish to be productive

never knowing that happily ever after would never come together without a fight