day 985: for my mother

I remember the way my turning 16 turned you to stone
the way your heart sunk in its unknowing
how you told me you had no map to carry us further
how my growing older reminded you of you own
and the absence of your mother
and somedays
i forget of the weight of her
that you carry on your shoulders
forget the way you have caries her into every weight you have since had to bare

i cant for the life of me
imagine her smile
or her laugh
but i wonder sometimes
late at night
when i remmeber in th most tangible way that you are never too old to feel the absence of your mother in your bones
i wonder if she had your touch
if you can still remember the grip of her embrace
the tangibility of her adoration
for you

if her eyes were ever blessed enough to shine the way yours do
when you find your hear to outgrow your chest

there are leagues of sadness
and longining that fill the silence
between our stories

and tonight
this distance
is forcing me to think about every bit of you family history that you had to learn to carry in your spine
alone

i am thinking about you
my mother
and about yours
and hers
and wondering if any of you have wastd this much time in silence or secrets
and im wondering how much time we may need to conquer the seas of fear we let grow between our bodies

so this is not a poem
its a song iver been singing
to myself for years
too quietly for you to hear its melody was writing for the embrace caught between generations
that too often
falls away in silence

this is for genevive
who raised a woman string enough to raise her own
this is for the parts of you both
that i feel tugging at me
on nights ike these
refusing to be ignored

this is for faith
for the moments i am full of it and dor the months
i have forgotten of its taste
this is for my mother
and the way her hair smells
when she hugs me goodbye
and how id never forgive myself if i railed to raise a daughter in her image