Day 420: steel

some mornings the martyrs in this marrow fantasize of fracturing bones
how my irises might change color on impact
i wonder,
wander
beyond body limits
beyond warnings
crack cartilage
brave me with your danger
damage
please
shatter me
within the lace of your leather skin

some mornings i dream of being steel
stainless
whole
sexy even
but i have fracture at every seam
cracks
i am incapable of being whole it seems

but there is a joy in this game
of bone dust
and painkillers
of braces
and ice baths
of concussions
and overtimes
the only home where heroes are born from themselves
from earth
we wonder
how far we can travel til we crumble
how fast til we fracture
how strong til we quake at every corner
there is ruble of past victories and defeats in the lining of this ribcage
a lions maine in this koko
i am not what i seem
i can defy expectations
even my own
and i can fail
i can falter
emplode
o cam crumble
turn dust
i can bleed
sometimes we forget,
pain doesnt always hurt
sometimes its our strongest parts
sometimes its what keeps us going
sometimes its the voice in the back of your mind
that wont let you stop
rest
heal
because being whole
pristine
glass
sparkling at the edges
sometimes
thats hell knocking at your doorstep
a constant reminder
of every bit of life you neglected to live

Day 119: water

a single drop can change the tide
a single tear can break bread
a single woman can call the storm
our bodies are creatures
gods of water
fire
fiece prayers
brokens laws
we are holy scriptures
in a sining universe
learning to sing off kety
off beat
off tppic
learning to be beautiful mistakes
holding storms as pinky promises under skin
we are falling
creating the universe like we created gravity
by trying to learn to feel the roots beneath our feet
by trying to learn to feel the roots beneath our feet
look at the story tellers in the creased of your palms
at the rising surf of your traditions
every new wave still brings the same water
still holds the same change
stills breathes the same gods
our language sweating salt
our skin crting family
blood we are changing
adding drop by drop
a new child is born
every day
a new destiny is written
a new possibility realized
we are waiting to discovere our brilliance
our tears
sweat
blood
the lines on our skin
spoken traditions
like our palms
change with the simplest addition
with the slightest recognition
with the calmest storm
a single drop can change the tide
a single word
puts thought to motion

Day 118: lover

fear is in my mind strength is in my bones
no,
my pipeline memories
my grandmothers stories
her voice
breaking vocal veins
in her skin
subtle brysh with god
you,
you are my written failure
my crying success
my screaming distance
you are my cold blood
a pipe frozen shut
a home with out water
3/4th of all i am
empty
the horror of honesty laughing
like depressions sacred sleep
sung into infinity
tied into shaky bones
britle darkness
where abswers only suck themselves into oceans of screams
i wonder
where the stregnth goes when its gone
when the breath is distant
and the bones fail
where are you held

love
of a million miles
of skylines and oceans
of sand dunes and hillsides
of deserts and coastlines
show me the strongest bits f your terror
of your failures
if the fearing success
of your palms
show me how you hold you childrens dreams
your mermaid songs
piano whispers
uyour cold tears
show me them all
trave them into the small of my back
where all the heavy distance is held
and ill show you a mirror of miracles
a cyclone of forgiveness
that returns the strength to the storm
the calm to the sand
ill show you the love in this skin
the kind that cannot be forgotten
the kind that only multiplies
the kind the sky births
dark and cold
but beautiful
lonely
and strong

Day 417: Kamakawiwoole

there is a silence of yoursi will never know
a jolt in bone ill never feel
but my father speaks of you like sunday scripture
like the perfection im sure you owned
i want to know your breath
the silence in your veins
the voiecs in your blood when you pray
does your melanin scream
i wonder
does it wish to pray back
do you ever Freudian slip yourself polytheist
or does every atom of you pray iehova
how do you choose to remember your tongue while forgetting to pass it on
how do you turn your skin private
sacred
how do you force yourself to forget
i wonder

where does your silence stem from
because its not from those bones of yours
the matrys in you marrows are burning themselves into ash begging to be acknowledged
to be prayed to
screaming your names
every single one of them
burning to be renamed
but you refuse to do anything but forget
but i know
there is a psalm in your bloodstream
singing songs to pele
lono
kanaloa
to every bit of this universe
the hawaiian in you is dripping through your seams

Day 416: sense

SOMETIMEs it takes leaving to learn to stay
sometimes you have to be broken to know what whole means
not everything has to make cents
dollars arent our only way of counting progress
sometimes digression is best
we are walking circles
living spirals
breaths are cyclical
love is eternal
not the kind you think
its the kind you drink
irs the kind you write in ink
on skin
its the kind that sinks

i said,
not everything has to make sense
cuz dollars only build buildings
and our kupuna are sweating storms n this heat
spining oceans from puddles
they are spinning their graves
into cyclones
slowing down seems to me the only way to move forward
in a worl where theres a name for everything i wanna learn to see what hasnt been written
learn to breathe backwards
remember no exhale is ever lost
no sweat too sweet to be forgotten
even the most cautious hold ocean storms in their irises
our blood screams traditions
we just forgot to notice

Day 408-414: excerpts from my journals from NZ.

There is so much that’s needs to be known… but not much that can be said. I am in new Zealand as of early this morning. And I’m not so jetlagged as I am confused. I lost a day while traveling because New Zealand is 22 hours ahead of Hawaii. Its Sunday afternoon here and I really only have 5 days to tell you about last Monday through Friday cuz I never lived Saturday and Sunday isn’t done… I feel like I was ripped off.

The Hawaiian/ Maori name of New Zealand is Aotearoa [ao teh ah do a]. which means the land of the long white cloud. Being here has been so spiritual. After being picked up today at the airport we drove around parts of north island and then went to breakfast and ended up heading to our hosts house and had some protocol. All Polynesian protocol and is very similar. Most require a chant exchange. In Hawaii the visitor chants first to ask for permission to enter but in Aotearoa the host calls out to the visitor first. Basically the visitors will stand outside facing the marae (meating place) and the hosts will stand in a line in front of the marae facing the visitors. Then The elder female of the host group calls out to the visitors in chant and the visitors then chant while entering the marae. Once inside the male elder will speak a welcome to the group and then the hosts sing following that the male elder of the visiting group will do the same. This exchange can go on for hours. Even days. Gifts are exchanged and you know the protocol is finished when you’ve gone around the circle to hongi everyone. Hongi is kind of like a kiss. Two people will press there noses together and inhale. Polynesians believe that your mana (spiritual power) is in your breath and so the hongi is an exchange of that power. it’s a beautiful process.
There are four Hale (houses) here. but none of the houses have kitchens. There is a separate building the marae that is separated into a meeting house and an eating house. The family (most of which isn’t blood related) eats every meal together. And the foood is sooooo good. Today was completely vegetarian.. and I’ve never been this happy without meat in my life! That’s a serious statement right there. This is the kind of place were a family flourishes. When a group of people make a common place a priority and a culture a priority that’s when a group can flourish. That’s when we all can grow. i would like to learn to grow that way.
Its hard not to believe in the beautiful of the universe while you are here. its so beautiful. In spirit and physically. When I get home I will upload pictures.. but the beauty is undeniable. Its also been really good for my Hawaiian to be here. I’ve been speaking to my father in Hawaiian since landing here. it just started coming out and it seem to come much more smooth than it has in a while. Theres something so powerful about this place plus the maori language/culture/myths are all very similar. We spent most of the afternoon speaking to each other in our own languages just trying to understand each other and sharing myths and connecting our histories. I don’t ever want to leave.

today im very much focused holistically and how groups communicate and move forward as a unit. I never imagined I would feel this strongly connected to a place other than my home and I definitely never thought I would feel soo connected to a group of people who were not my blood. But you all are my family, my home away from home, my love, my spirit. The reason I evolve. The reason I am beautiful.

a short hiatus

i will be taking a short break while in New zealand because of the difficulty getting online and because my heart hasn't been in this the last couple weeks. i promise when im back i will be more passionate than ever.

407: slippin

your eyes tell me the sky should be falling
the darkness feels like a starless life
and we are broken moons
in mid orbit
remember our crescent love
it always stood out in the sky
we always stood on in the sky
in the universe
we are not broken
just absent

Day 406: black/white

Its Wednesday
The tar Mack is 2 days away
I can feel the rattling landing gear from my bunk bed
Where we sleep
There is silence in the time that flies between us
I can hear your heartbeat in my dreams
In your silence
Im waiting for tomorrow to stop coming so we can wait in that space between the days
Between the lines
We have stories we aren’t sure of just yet
Feelings that aren’t yet completely understood
So we paint each other grey in our sleep and dream of something more solid
Wishing to either wake up at the end or begging to be
Black or white
Our indecision makes us nauseous
Dizzy
Im spinning form the inside out
My butterflies are puking during our downtime
And im holding your hand in hopes that it will keep me upright
Im tired of falling alone
Or watching other fall without me
Im keeping your memory in my back pocket
Trying to keep you close to my body
Under the weight of my existence
Im carrying you to the bottom of the ocean with me
And we are waiting for clarity
But its been raining
Our homeland is eroding itself and its hard to tell which way is up
So we suffocate each other when we touch
But we love the feeling
So we are both drowning in each others affection
Forgetting to come up for air
Realizing the bottom looks perfect
Taste perfect
Feels perfect
tiIl its town from your feet and you are flying
the rumbling landing gear disturbs our sleep
the engines of our departures overpower our goodbyes
sometimes
dreams are better off grounded than in the sky
sometimes
night it meant for sleep
but its hard when you don’t have many left
so tomorrow
lets wake ourselves at dawn and live until the next sunrise in that moment
learn to hold each other from a distance
cradle our own voices and breathe
learn to find solace in the silence
the rattling static
learn to travel light and alone but with a purpose
so that when the ocean spits us up
naked
broken
and tired
we might finally have the strength
or conviction to forfeit our grey matter and
bring ourselves to live in black or white

405: santra cuz

You want my skin?
Take it
My fingertips
Lips
Breast
Chest
You can have it all I don’t need it anymore
My heart?
Will I get something in return this time other than just orgasm
You broke me with your kiss
Made me think theres be more
You were more
That I’d see you tomorrow
But then night
Gone
I was
Gost
You were gone
Ghost
we don’t share anything but one night
so we’ll just spit poetry pretenting that we are speaking to eachother
and you may not be speaking to be but im definitely talking to you
so listen
keep your land mine lips away from me
there are toxic here
breaking me from inside out
outside in
I let you touch me
Because you asked nicely and I thought I could handle the pain of severing bodies in the morning
I am not just a peace of hot skin to sleep besind during cold winter nights

Day 404: in reverse

everything looks better in the rearview
your smile being the brightest of all things
the sunset
the end of something sweet
there is no bitter this way
its alomst like watching beginings instead of ends
no one seems to leave
everyone comes instead
its beautiful that way
and warming
you see
everything looks better in the rearview
cuz its all in reverse

Day 403:

there are so many walls between us
some mornings i wake so terrified of the climb i stay in bed instead of moving
i would pretend to breathe if i thought you'd believe me
but most times
i have to hide behind parts of my organs
the ones that are still whole
after your voice
after you love
after you left

Day 402: idk

i tell you i dont know
only when i am too terrified of what i am sure of.

Day 401:skin

Do u remember the craters in my skin
Since you've left I've felt them shift
Everything about this body has changed
I was hoping you'd come back
Show me the lines I've forgotten
Take your time in redrawing them
Mark this body
Any way you'd like
Leave me something behind
Something to write about
Something to leave in this legacy
Other than skin and bones
Other than solid matter
Help reconstruct with some piece of perfection
The kind that's held in your breath
Fingertips
Pierced between your lips
The parts of u I will never forget to miss

Day 400: sand

You say there are peacocks
But all I feel are tornados in these irises
Cyclones
And rain
There are storms
I am spinning into myself
And you,
You are nowhere to be found

Today I feel like wet sand
Like I'm almost heavy enough to be solid
Just fragile enough to slip through your grip.

Day 399: for clara

10 things that remind me of my grandmother

1.
the ocean
how it always seems to come back
but never for long enough
that each wave
is just a reminder of her beauty and strength
and each riptide a remind of how fast everything can be gone
and how isnt it is to be lost

2.
the frets of my fathers guitar
how they are bent
rusted
beautiful
never replaced
the sound of the song rather bend themselves to new shapes
in old age
everything changes
why should we fight it by upgrading
i do not understand humanity most days

3. the broken ceiling fan
its basically a picture
a faded memory
something that doesnt work anymore
doesnt breathe
everything seems hotter and harder now

4.
thunderstorms
how they cannot be seen
but surely felt

5. every scar that i have managed to lose over time

6.
the turn of the century
how being so close
make you feel so much further away from making it

7.
failure
to
stay

8.
every time i touch a kamaka ukulele and heard a a savage guarden song

9. spirits
flying
aliens
twins
late night movies
fireplace
wet hair
showers
cold volcanoes
distance

10.
the words i'll never learn to say
never fold around my tongue
the way an ilove feels when it isnt returned
loneliness
broken pieces that you cant bring yourself to pick up

Day 398: stars

In museums,
they put beautiful things in glass boxes;
in life, they put beautiful people thousands of miles apart.
We are victims of oceans,
mountains
and planes..
victims of the most alive things in this universe…
not much unlike the stars…
There are millions of miles of darkness between each star
and still they find a way to shine.
They find their way to each other.

I feel like the longest lasting shooting star.
That I’ve been trying for light-years to be closer to you.
im starting to wonder if stars can feel themselves burning out…
if it’s a rush until the end is near.

Because im burning,
hot and fast
and its invigorating,
and painful
and displacing
some days…

People are always afraid I’m going to burn out.
They don’t know that I already have.
They don’t know that I’ve been running on empty for years,
shooting myself to be a close to another star as possible so that I may be lit in their brilliance.

Day 397: deep blue

i've been looking for ways to write you back into my skin
not realizing how tough i've become
how resistant to love
we are falling into oceans
heavy
drowning
like solid matter
like cement
into darkness

396: Sent from my iPhone

I spent the better part of the morning looking for u between my sheets.
I could've swim that we were together last night,
u felt so close.
And I wanted you there.
Bare.
Open.
Just skin,
heat and sweat.
The parts of u I cannot write In to my poetry.
The parts I haven't met.
Your lips.

Needless to say you were no where to be found
physically.
But my skins been shimmering lately.
A reminder of the beautiful parts of you that were launched Into my body during dream.
While u slept between my arms,
under my sheets.
Berthing only enough to remind me
that something so beautiful,
so spectacular is actually human.

I've Been
Waiting for the day to hold u again.
For another set of reminders of your stunning beauty.
Come back to me beautiful.
I miss u

day 395: Man V. Machine

From the time I was born
I have understood man to have an inferiority complex to the machine
From terminator to irobot
Images flooding popular culture like riptides
It seems that mans greatest fear is its creation
In the power it may have to transform into something unexpected
Something that may speak for itself
So that we may one day become obsolete
Today, I understand the fear in creating- for what that creation may become
Or say
I’ve been trying to not write this poem for weeks
But somethings seem to wrestle their way through your veins
It feels like the stubborn tear that just wont fall
On a good day.
Today,
Today im writing my way back through my skin
Praying
That this colonial language may for once hold me up
But nothing
Not even a proper translation
Could lift the weight of these words from the page
Some things are just heavy that way

Day 394: lioness

A scorpion, when surrounded by fire will sting itself to death.

Self sabotage is caused by fear.
I am the queen of such an existence.
a lions ferocity stems from your fear
I make the lioness roar.
I am the birth of the lioness' breath.

Day 393:10 things to TELL a stranger

10 things to tell a stranger

1.
im proud of almost all of my scars
i've have spent the last 7 years convincing myself that the broken parts of me are more beautiful than the rest
because i needed a reason to still be alive
so to pass the time
i traced out every story that i was too afraid to tell
secretly wishing someone would take the time to read them
today, im a little more covered
a little more walled
a little more protected
i spend every morning trying to convince myself that my vulnerability is strength
and that if i really wanted to
i could run around this city naked
its most definitely a lie\

2.
i write because i'm egotistical enough to think that wiping my tears on the page might help someone remember how to live

3.
my parents hit me as a child
but only when i deserved it
and only hard enough to teach me a lesson
i've never once begrudged them for it
there were far worse things that have been done

4.
im pretty sure i was sexually abused either as a child or in a past life
there are moments when i feel dirty in that way
like there is something foul caught under my skin
and im pretty sure i've never told anyone that until just now

5.
i've never met a brazilian woman that i havent fallen in love with
i've only met one

6.
i believe that my bones remember things i havent yet learned
that you dont need to do ANYthing to heal
just stay out of your own way
i've learned that kissing beautiful girls is fun
but sometimes can leave you cut up on the inside
leave a sour taste behind
there are times when i've wanted to regret that pain
i havent yet learned how to

7.
my mother always wanted a girl.
she used to tell me thats why they stopped having children after me.
6 years after i was born my sister arrived
ever since, i havent felt like enough of a woman

8.
i wear my hair up cuz its the most tangible feminine part of this body
i know its beautiful but i'm convinced i cannot live up to that beauty so i tie it away
i've found other ways to be attractive that involved covering as much of this body as possible
its all a costume anyway

9.
i've never killed myself
but i've also never really tried to live either

10.
i'm named after a song
its old and has character
my middle name means the chant sung to the heaven
i carry music somewhere in my blood
it makes me feel small
and powerful
and its the only think i remember from all my lives
when im sad i listen to song that make me sadder
when im happy i listen to songs that make me sad
i've convinced myself im not feeling unless im crying
i want to feel everything

11.
sometimes, not even ten chances is enough to tell the truth

Day 392: you

There are bits of me that quake mid dream.
All places you haven't touched.
Breathed on.
They are absent.
Hallow.
Just proof our our distance.
I'm looking for u under my skin.
Trying to find something you've left behind to tide me over.
But there's nothing but whitewash here.
I am spun into your undertow and the tide only seems to recede from where I'm standing.
I'm looking for something to close the distance.
Clutching your words,
hiding your voice in my palms.
Taking every bit of u that I can get.
Cherishing every inch of u from the parts I've memorized
to the lines I've yet to taste.

Day 391: Snowglobe

she called me a bottled storm once
a snowglobe
shook me like childs play
she didnt think fiber glass crack could spread
my scars are feathering into webs
you can see them on all the surfaces
i used to be beautiful,
bottled this way
she just keeps shaking
theres a swell in my ocean of a heart
ive got my board under my feet
my ind on my dreams
along for the ride it seems
waiting for this plastic hurricane to settle

Day 390: i have no idea

the days past like dimes
jingle like time doesnt really exist
like the earth rotates for the hell of it
kike we might have some control
its all so arbitrary
intangible
its all so above our bodies
so unconscious
superhuman
im losing touch of your spirit
and sight of your bodie
i want to be in your skin
but the ocean isnt holding either of us properly
i dont think we could be more severed
and settled
its disgusting

DAy 389: i dont feel like letters today

i dont feel like letters today
barely feel like words
barely
feel like lines
barely feel like breathing today
but im upright
watching the ocean recede
trying to keep my hear full
and tongue busy.

Day 388: letter writing challenge day 7 (an ex love)

let me start by saying i do not know how to begin this
much like i didnt know how to end us
and yet i did somehow
but who i am to say i really had much of a choice after it all was settled
at our ankles
i'd be lying if i said i didnt miss you sometimes
but i try not to
im in love with someone else but it doesnt mean that you wont ever sweep through me like you used to
i still feel your shivers from here some mornings
when its windy
i pretend its just the weather
we both know its something else entirely

i've made this new vow
im going to try and stop using the word broken in poetry
but for some reason
its the only word that comes to mind right now
severed seems to clean
shattered to dramatic
but broken fits
like these puzzle pieces used to before they were soaked in tears
water logged and bandaged
when we tried to be more than these bodies
we imploded and split like adom bombs
leaving only death in our wake
you see
broken fits here
what else would?
we dont
at least not know
nothings right side up
and we are doing are best to live in fragments
piecing our stories into backboards
rebounding in all sorts of directions

Day 387: Letter writing challenge day 6 (stranger)

10 Questions for a stranger (inspired by Raina Sun)

1.
what is you name
what i mean to say is
which gods to you carry in your bones
how many times have you felt them creep themselves on to your skin
do you ever feel like onlookers are touching them
instead of you
does that make you feel more or less significant?

2.
name 6 friends
id like to see how closely we are connected
and you look like the kinda person who believe in the stars
believes in 6 degrees
believes in the off chance that you could name someone i know
today feels like the right place
the right time for an ordinary miracle to occur.

3.
how many times have you cried?
are there certain scars that are deeper than others
would you ever show them to a stranger
tell the story
maybe

4.
do you still have your appendix
and tonsils?
do you feel free if they are gone
or do you identify with the useless organs that could easily kill you
do you like the danger that brings into your life
if they are gone
have you missed them?
or do you feel like a finely tuned machine
clear of all unnecessary imperfection

5.
when was the last time you sang
really really loud
the kind of notes that your neighbor is too burnt out to love
the kinds that keeps your breathing til morning
did it remind you of the first time you flew in those wings
is there a reason why you havent done it since
are you one of those people who have been convinced that the impossible exist?
that there is no room for imagination

6.
if you could only pick one thing in the world
what does your mothers voice remind you of
does it swim or fly
is it something attached to this earth
or is she more godly or demon like
how many times have you wished for a different one
how many times have you regretted that number for being too high?

7.
show me all your tattoos and draw me the ones that arent yet set in ink on your skin
what storys have you found important enough to be permanent
which ones are a little more temporary then you had hoped

8.
what kind of world do you believe you were born into

9.
what is your favorite body part?
which extremity holds you strongest?
how many times have you feared losing it
or taken it for granted
have you forgiven yourself for being so human in these ways

10.
will you be so bold to ask these questions to the next deserving stranger you encounter
would you pay it forward
you see,
i'd like to think you could believe in god and 6 degrees and the universe being connected
that these questions just might be the answer to closing our distance
we are all so immensely seperated these days but we have the opportunity to be so much more
and you look like the kind person who could make an ordinary miracle
occur.

Day 386: Letter writing Challenge: Day 5: your dreams

I wanted to apologize
For holding you in my back packet
As if that all I ever needed to do for you
For planting you under my soles
Forgetting your strength
But I have been afraid of you
Your power
And that maybe you might outshine my skin
How do we find balance
here

Day 385: letter challenge day4 (sibling)

have you ever felt the texture of your bellybutton wondering to whom you were once tied
wondered whether or not it hurt when you were finally umbilical free
do you remember when i would clean that crevice for you
i wanted you to be the prettiest baby in town
so i would wipe your lips clean after meals
i paid attention to the smallest details
hoping that someday you would too
only to find your own perfection
remember sister
before this world even began we were connected