Day 804: A moment of Silence

i tried to write silence into a poem once
for two girls who melted along their mother in the morning
the ambers charred the back of my throat
made it hard to breath
even harder to speak
i let numbers do the talking and set myself in the margins

today i tried do to the same
and then i realized
there are too many child skeletons
buried beneath my feet
too many bodies
dangling elsewhere
in the margins of a story i never finished
because it seems too much like real life
because it felt to real to know that we had been saying goodbye to children for too long
that i have become too accustomed to the fleeting nature of life
and this silence
does nothing for my breath
doesnt let me heal
im still burning in the back of my throat
there are still mothers and fathers left to feel the phantom tug of a child's hand
i wonder if the phantoms grow stronger and taller with the years
its something i ope to never know

its been 6 years
i still remember the look in your eyes when you told the doctor you could taste the chemo on the back of your tongue
i imagined it tasted like alcohol
burning
when i was put under in 2008 and in 2010
the anesthetic felt like it was setting my body on fire
i tought of you
and the silence you left in your wake
the way every song we sing was just an orchestra behind your fathers wail
something i will never have the courage to call beautiful
i still hear him
in the instrumental of certain songs
cant listen to "the days of my youth" for too long
cant look my father in the eyes when he plays
because i know someday
it will be
either me or him
leaving and the other watching the fade
cant hold my mothers hand for too long
it feels to much like goodbye and letting go

you are still so much here
sometimes i forget what you feel like
remember that i didnt know you that well
but that seeing you leave
took more from me in one moment than i think ill ever give again

ileiana
you are more than silence
more than a smile
more than a promise
a timestamp
a sundyle
you are the brightest part of every sunrise
the beauty we get to witness
you are the strong parts of me that refuse to break
that refuse to stay quiet
you are love
you are love
you are everything i mean when i say love