Day 814: distance

she says it helps knowing that im here
sitting on the other end of the computer
i could be a million miles away but still with her
today
its 2572 miles
and i understand
because the more pixeled smiles i can capture
save for a rainy day
the less i know shes giving away to someone else
its a selfish thing to know about yourself
that the way you want her is lonesome and complete
that every other body in-between you is just an obstacle
you are trying to defeat

its true
i want you all and only
do not misunderstand me
i am no good at sharing
but loving your from a distance means becoming comfortable with not knowing
being free of the particulars
and trying not to see you hand in hand with someone else
trying not to be that mind that wanders
or the heart that follows out of fear
im trying to learn to stay here
be more present
but all im thinking about at night when your out is the single day it took to break a two year relationship down the middle
how a single moment of distance turned into my next 100 years and me unable to forgive or move on
or trust anyone with light eyes and a crooked smile
my heart is not a wooden box you can leave on the mantle
its a class cage without a handle
its something you need both palms to cradle
and this distance makes it hard to believe
that every moment i am not with you
on the other end of the computer is a moment you sit there holding me steady
even if you give me every reason to believe
i still find myself getting caught in the mirrors in your eyes
when i look at you
some nights
all i can see is my past taunting me
telling me you are too good to be true
too beautiful to be mine
so i keep my glass cage as far as i can from your thundering hands when you are gone
and try to be ready
when the distance closes
and i find myself reaching into you from across the room