Thursday, December 31, 2009

Day 164: blue

in the end of 2008
i learn how to get over my first heartbreak
i sulked the first month of 2009 thinking love was beyond my reach
February taught me blue wasnt just a shade of loneliness
more like the scent of forever facing you
she was my February candy
by june
sometimes if something
or someone finds its way inside enough
no matter how string the love is
it starts to hurt
we were sweet again
candies lips
december broken waiting for march
we will miss our new year together
i am waiting for candy
but commitment isnt always smooth
its sour
leaving after taste
its always leaving something at least
at least she is not to selfish just to take
i can not wait to see what the other end of forever looks like

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

DAy 163: static

i feel like i'm loosing you more and more each day to the distance
only the silence between us seems to resonate
i cannot feel what fits in that space
we are just whitewash
waiting for something louder than white noise to wake up from our nightmares
we are silenced in the deep of the blue
holding onto our anchors that we created together
know single knee dead hearts
trying to remember what it felt like when we were side by side
the ocean is moving me further
as you drift towards your adventure
im still waiting for something more than the static to sing back to me

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

day 162: ocean

i cannot seem to tie my words to my strings
melodies defeat me
i am no musician anymore
just a poet with a shiny guitar
and a girl who my words dont fit around beautifully enough
i rather not disgrace her
ill dream silently
without her beside me
just a heart full of distance
waiting for the ocean to shrink

Monday, December 28, 2009

Day 161: voice

lately i sing myself to sleep
drink your memories like tears
i used to sleep to the rhythm of your heart beat
but from here
i cannot even hear your voice anymore
just try to turn your scent into kisses
on my skin
i hold the space next to me like lifeline wishing
for heartstrings to be able to pull cross continents and countries
cross language barriers
in ever language a tear is one begging to be held
so tonight
im drowning in myself
begging for more of you
wishing that my skin could hold your voice

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Day 160: when

hearts dont break evenly
they melt
molasses in palms
we are that butter melting
tearing at seems that dont exist
it seems there is something more than sugar and milk
we are substance

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Day 159: what we say

what we say when we arent together to ease the nerves
love is enough when its strong
what we say in our minds when we are lonely
love is enough when its strong
the only thing im sure i know
our love is strong
we are enough
we are more than enough

Friday, December 25, 2009

day 158: Christmas

i am woken up to the sound of coffee grinding
this is typical for 845 in my home
there are people drugging themselves awake into happiness
its christmas
and i still have sisters who believe in its magic
i have too much resentment dug under my skin
santa claus doesnt have the tools to give me what i want
there is nothing more to enjoy about this holiday except the way it brings people together
but not even santa claus or jesus and move boston closer to this shore
my wish this year
was to be able to hold her through the night christmas eve
its unfortunate she is not here she holds my christmas cheer
and i miss her

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Day 157: Lightbuld

lightbulb is a stupid word
i asked my sister for a work to start a poem with
but lightbulb is stupid
my christmas tree has many little light bulbs around it
im allergic to that stupid tree
and its stupid lights and christmas
and im grouchy
and i feel bad
cuz theres a beautiful girl in boston
waiting for a smile to sail from these islands
hold her like sunshine
and i know im that sunshine
and forever

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

day 156: untitled

there are no tears in his eye when he cries
only diamonds
his skin is yellow
we watch him
eyes closed
we sing as if we hold healing in our voices
but we all know
no one is healing here
we are all just breaking backwards
pretending its growth
like we are learning
i am not learning anything but not to trust any breathe to last long enough to say something worth listening to
i am not growing
i am just falling backwards back into heaven
he is to
but neither are welcome
it is far too soon
for death
he see her waiting
gets excited
i am far too selfish for wanting to keep him close
for just a moment
there is nothing more to say
in the meantime we pretending this isnt goodbye
that i'll see you in 50 some odd years
but who knows how long heaven holds you
before you are sent backwards
where we wont be anymore

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Day 155: Make me a TV Screen

there are things that touch us
no matter how fabricated
Art imitates us
and yet we cry at its knowing trying to be art
to be beautiful
spralw me over your flat screen
watch me bleed
i wanna be like those faces tears fallings
smiles so big mouths look broken

make me like those stars half shot on stage
i wanna be that sparkle
that story
saving lives
like melodies
i wanna be that note
that ends each song
the syllable held at the end of her tongue

Monday, December 21, 2009

DAy 154: One

sometimes when i dream her eyes transform to orange
like sunsets
the kind thats shattered
she is only one
but sometimes i feel her a million times over my skin
in my mind
she is only one
but some nights
i hold enough thoughts to be confused of how many skins she fills
shes is all over me
6 thousand miles away
she is not JUSt one
she is THE one

Sunday, December 20, 2009

day 153: California

california used to wreak with the stench of ripping roots
torn seems
but my skin
is bleaching nicely to the sounds of san Francisco's sky line
my roots have found there way to the heart of a moving ship
she is a sailing heart
i am barely her sail
waiting for the winds to blow us in the right direction

the storms been brewing
we can see in it the horizon
where the ocean meets our sky
these lines are broken
but our hearts
still tangled
still tracing
we are still holding
california is our only connection
so we hold on like we are sailing
she is my life line
we are just wandering
no compass
just heading towards that horizon
where it wreaks like california
like new beginnings
just past the storm
baby, keep holding on

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Day 152: Reach


she's got a feather for a heart beat
i've got arms that dont stretch as long as i wish they would
she dreams of morning where she doesn't have to reach father than the other end of the bed for her love
im wishing for the same
but all we do lately is dream
we are in the wings
tapping our toes to the world soundtrack beat
we are victims of distance
one hand full of hearts
the other searching for our own
playing cards
trading suits for seconds
trading stories for memories
waiting for forever to happen already
so we are no longer reaching
we are just living

Friday, December 18, 2009

Day 151: Fail


Clean cut crevice broken
we shatter in breathing somedays
wake up
above the whether under our armpits
we hide our failures
like lies we couldnt keep
and truths we never found our ways out of
mask the maze in our eyes
trying to find a way out
to our surprise
we still sleep soundly
still dream of the same fairy tales
and still wake up short of breath
are we dreaming still
am i breathing still
is there something left to be done
if we've already failed.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Day 150: Worth

my joints are made of glass
matted fibers
fragile breaking under the pressure
all good coaches will tell you to run through the pain
its all in your head
its your lack of stamina building bricks
keep running
keep running
til you cant no more
just keep moving til you cant no more
it will be worth it
even if you are wheel chaired by 30
it will be worth it
for a flat stomach and tone legs
it will be worth it
for the love of the game
it will be worth it
so they tell me

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Day 149: For Kahu Doug

at 6
i would breathe god
paint his stories on my skin
they were my stories too
i was told
was my big brother
the kind that should not be forgotten
the kind that is always there even though he's gone
at 10
i held out my body like sacrifice to every cause my family found worthy
i lived to give myself
i wanted to be jesus
to save the world from pain
i have learned that pain
is mostly caused by those who fight so hard to avoid or mask it
since then i have started living
at 13
i questioned
i left jesus and his father on their pedestal
i was done with burning bushes
10 commandments
eternal love
i couldn't even love myself
how would i believe someone who had never met me did
i was convinced i knew everything

at 15
i watched a beautiful girl die
since then i cant think of a hospital or the color pink without remembering flat lines
and blond hair
at 17
i fell in love for the first time
and almost started believing that heaven was the kind of place i would end up in
then my heart was broken
i started wishing for hell
i fell in love again
held the kind of passion that is illegal in most states
most countries
at 19
i realized i had met the woman i wanted to marry
i had always known who i would want to hold the ceremony

one day after confessing all these things to the woman i trusted the most
telling her my dream wedding
location, guests, kahu
my mother called
said a few sentences about livers and pancreases and cancers
told me my savior was dying

ever since i was 9 i have understood mortality
that people you love leave and never come back
but kahu doug
you were never mortal to me

i have owed you a poem for more than 3 years
and if you think about it,
i've been writing it for over 13
and yet when it matters
when the clock starts ticking loud enough for a 19 year old college student to cry
i cant think of a word to say

when i pray
i think of you
for as long as i can remember
every prayer i have ever said has been addressed to you
you were the only man who helped me believe that there is something more in this life than my mistakes and misfortunes
there is beauty in the way we love and cry
and there is not a single fiber in my body that doesn't wholly believe that when you cross over
you will be in heaven
you will be watching
we again will be the ones blessed
for your hands will be upon us always
helping us find our way.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Day 148: make up

running low
out of words
these poems
dont save themselves from my veins
they wait there
waiting for the next scratch
then the words fall
like leaves in boston autumn
make poems
make me beautiful
color my skin
made up with similes
romanticize heartache
shattering skin
give me the heartache of bright blue eye shadow
nothing it water proof
nothing holds its beautify when the tears finally come

Monday, December 14, 2009

day 147: truth?

for over 2 years, maybe three
or 4
i've promised you a poem
tonight you will fall asleep painfully
iv drip lullabies
i have no metaphors to sooth you
i do not know what to say
except when i pray,
i imagine you
as jesus
as god
pearly gates
i guess if you imaging something for long enough
it comes true

Sunday, December 13, 2009

day 146: heart

where are our hearts
the parts we've hidden from ourselves
tracing taste-buds onto for-arms
your fingertips
i've forgotten what they taste like backwards
my memory is screwed on sideways
i wake at midnight
while falling to sleep
i wake at midnight
dreaming while falling asleep
asleep while dreaming
i wake
my memory is screwed on sideways
i forget to remember
remembering i forget my sideways is screwed to my memory
my memory
your memory
where are our hearts
are we beautiful

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Day 145: taking your que

you want answers to questions i havent come to terms with existence
mistake seem to dissolve if you fight hard enough to try to forget
but you have hands like memories pulling strings
and pushing buttons
i cant help but break everytime you remind me of how i've broken you
i cant hold you together form here
and these fractures fit my fingertips
but i am oceans and continents away
my arms dont stretch like that
but my heart
my heart will sing to you if you will listen
hold your tears if you allow it
i will cry with you as long as you let me
i am following

Friday, December 11, 2009

day 144: Savin me

your eye match your robes
but i remember when your robes match your beard
you are the only man i will let pray for me
please pray for me
the only man i know will be in heaven
not that no one else deserves it like you
but that no one believes like you do
you are my jesus
you saved me

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Day 143: fuck

finals are a bitch
tomorrow they wont exist
but life is now, Fuck

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

day 142:

she doesnt taste like plastic
more like water
she touches me like the ocean
my whole body at once
holds me like the breeze
her grasp is cold
but her heart
her heart
is warm
like her breath
if i could i would bottle it
hold it whiles she traveling
she never stops moving
and i never stop chasing yesterday and comfort and security
we are waiting to be in one place for more than a day together
still searching for a tomorrow that seems realistic enough to picture
we are our own worst enemys
our aspirations are the only pillars between us and our dreams

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

day 141:haiku

this is me writing
141 poems
what a fucking waste

Monday, December 7, 2009

day 140: memory

the look in her eyes when she realizes my math isnt that bad
that when i say 4 days
it means 4 more half slept nights
3 more unwelcomed mornings
that look in her eyes
feel likes 108 days
where sleeping yourself to sleep in the arms of the one you love is nothing but a distant memory
and being alone

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Day 139: silence

where is the reason in death?
whats the point in faith
when we all know it ends

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Day 138: love

she has sex to procrastinate
i take advantage of that

Friday, December 4, 2009

Day 137: questions?

darkness taste salt like candy
your lips
cracked slightly
moisture only held in tear duct
we are sinking in our own tears falls behind our own expectations
what will we make of tomorrow?

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Day 136: white noise

trace these stories on my skin
palms sand paper breaking veins
love the life lines
the crooked ones
the ones broken
like we are broken
remember how your heart felt whole
this is no love poem baby
this are just those pictures we've been taking
since day one
trying to glue ourselves back into the cracked smiles
but now
we are just the background
the whitenoise
the sound of a wave crashing
at daybreak

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Day 135:she cries

she shakes when she breathes too hard
there are diamonds falling out of her eyelids on to my chest
you can already see the scars forming
her tears scrap like sandpaper hearts on my skin
i want to go back to laughter baby
when we held each other tickled
rather than shattered
so ill hold you til you are sleeping
hum you my heart like lullaby
that is all i can promise now

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Day 134: Gasping

this afternoon i soaked your pillow case with my tear
you smothered my heart with your palms
neither of us remember how to breathe properly
let alone open our wings
we've forgotten to sing each-other to sleep
like our old promises to hold each-other forver
now we only hold til midnight
gasping for morning

day 133.5: For you

This one is for Jenna.