Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Day 252: For Clara

i could taste the dirt on my tongue
the way the air thickened as we neared it
i didnt quite understand why we were driving there
but we did anyways
she would tell me
the big island is much different than honolulu
especially up here
i still didnt get it
that there were sacrifices that these people were more than willing to make
like simply driving to the dumb with your trash on your own

there were bigger things too
things she never had time to teach me
they were beautiful things
the laws i would need to know in order to grow beautiful like she was
i didnt know yet to listen hard
i didnt understand
not yet
that cancer
the threat of death would take her forever and i would just be left with questions

its been over 10 years since
and i still think about her every time i slow down enough to hear my own breath
i remember her touch
how her wrinkled hands felt against my face
she was so beautiful
i used to look like her
short curly hair
i've changed a lot since then
i look a lot more like my father
who looks like his
i am most easily compared to powerful men
i wonder what she would make of me now
this lost queer woman
barely christian
i am so much less of a person then i was when she left
and i know she loved everyone
but pride
pride does not stem from love
pride is different
its born from a different vein
lives in a different space
if i told her the only thing that ever broke me as much as her departure was another woman
i wonder what she would say
if she would push my bangs past my ear
place her thumb to my chin
would she kiss me
say its alright, beautiful
i'm here
it's alright...

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Day 251: Remember

I’ve never seen someone crack from a word


At least not that one

Like she did

I saw her pupils split

Turn to oceans

My fingertips are still eroded from the salt

The rush was slow

But I saw the sea train down her cheek

Showing the tracks of past conversations


Broken tongues and promises

Where the metal had scraped her skin free

Sometimes we forget to love the ones we love properly

Sometimes its easy to forget that someone had a past before you

Until you run right into it

Find your face flattened by someone else mistakes

their misplaced attention

And still you become the one holding your foot in your mouth

Your heart in your hand

Good intentions spitting through you

But Something’s need more delicacy than I can provide

My hands are rough

And strong


Sometimes I am not as gentle as I intend to be

My strength is deceiving

Some words run like oceans with out guards

And I’ve learned even the simplest truths need delicacy

So the next time I speak

I’ll funnel my words straight to your heart

Where it’s safe

Where you can hold it

and remember

Monday, March 29, 2010

Day 250: maybe

my hands are still shaking from holding you
the way i let you fall and break
i will never forgive myself
and since
i've taught myself how to not love you
not want you
it hurts to much
i moved on
and it hurts to say
cuz moving on means leaving you behind
and i never thought i would
or could
but i have
and im sorry
sorry that apologies dont do shit in this situation
that i cant bring myself to hold you anymore
that my attention is already held
im sorry i cant be the one either of us needed me to be
i was too weak
and couldnt let my mistakes make me stronger
instead i had to learn from them from a distance
but i'm growing through this to be the kind of person you could respect
the kind that follows through
and maybe giving up is how to start over
maybe throwing everything away starts the process
maybe youll always have my back and ill always be the weak one
who threw everything into the fire
maybe i'm just cocoon waiting to re-blossom
maybe i'll never be as beautiful as i was with you
maybe all the maybes are true
maybe they are all lies
maybe we both are broken still
but i've got better makeup
maybe, its just time.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

day 249: sleepwalking

my sleep doesn't settle
it rattles here
under my skin
im missing you like i'm missing my dreams
and there seems to only be nightmares hidden in these walls
if only they could speak
im sure they would scream
and im sure i would shake
im sure fear would be here and she would bitch slap me
because she can
because im weak
i dont sleep
just wait for morning
and my body is always tired
and torn
and doenst move properly
i dont dance
like you do
but ill stand in the shadow you cast
hoping to be tied to you somehow
maybe it will be like dancing til midnight
in a dark room
on fire
with our heart tired behind our backs
our bodies merely sleepwalking
to pass the time til morning

Saturday, March 27, 2010

day 248: perfection.

i spent the morning writing poetry to the horizon
i kissed the clouds with my pen
waiting for some sort of inspiration
this afternoon
im sleeping in Sabbath
tucked away in solace
my cave is warm 2 seasons out of the year
too hot for some
but my skin has become tough in this climate
ready for its abuse
the only scars i wear tell stories i'm not ready to share
so i cover my skin with poetry
dirty similes look beautiful at a distance
and this pain
taste like candy
like her lips
like her fingertips
we are all just too perfect to even notice

Friday, March 26, 2010

Day 247: winter

the bags under my eyes are heavy with the weight of two hearts hanging in the balance
my skin is dry
im waiting for the rain to come
but its spring
its supposed to bee beautiful
its march
im supposed to fall beautiful
but i feel skinless
and cold
my answers all speak with inflection
as if in questions form
there is no right, wrong or certain
in this place
everything is hazzy and grey
like winter
like winter
hard and lonely
like winter
its march
almost april now
and it still feels like january or december
are we are all being fooled from the inside out.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

day 246: practice

i do not bend this way
my posture is crooked
my heart biased
i spend most morning curled in bed
pretending that my pillow is someone else
that i am someone else worth someone else
we are all waiting for someone to come o our rescue here in the meantime
we find ourselves breaking our bodies to fit into fetal positions
to make our skin feel like our hearts
small and compact
easy to forget about
to leave behind
we leave ourselves behind and hope to be returned to them in the future
or sometime more convenient
it all seems so much more simple in writing
i wonder what it would all look like in practice.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

day 245: Forgot

If you look close enough

Everyone becomes a stranger

And in airport terminals

The pretty faces are the most foreign

We chase them like street lights

They’re the only things that make us stop like traffic

We watch the faces leave

And take the last bit of excitement with them

Somedays, I pretend to be one of those pretty faces

Strut talent like outward appearances

My beauty is deceiving

Your attraction

Obstacle illusion

You wont feel this way in the morning

We will just be strange faces held to memory

The next time I see you

I’ll ask you why you look so familiar

You’ll think it’s a pickup line

But really

I just forgot

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Day 244: lost looking

there are holes here where we used to stand
the sand is eroding to salt
we melt in the sun
crack in the cold
we are fragile and find ourselves too weak to hold on to even ourselves
during this storm
we lose everything
that means anything to us
including our dignity
the parts of our hearts we once hid beneath our skin
so much that used to be here is now gone
and we are all just waiting for something
however small it may be to return and remind us
who we were before and why we ever wanted anything so badly that we allowed ourself to get lost looking for it

Monday, March 22, 2010

day 243: /

the silence felt much better than this
the crevice conversation
the way our sentences pause mid thought
like a broken heartbeat
the wya we stop mid relationship
like a heart attack
we nearly killed ourselves through each other

Sunday, March 21, 2010

day 242: idk

in the right light
fear can look almost beautiful
shattered in pieces
like the broken glass
we found wedged
under our skin
the discomfort in our uncertainty
sends backwards shivers across the ocean
and we wait there for the light to change

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Day 241:deserving

i want you to hold me like the sunrise
like we have nothing o hide
like love is not an action or emotions
its a body
i want to kiss you like we are whole
and have never been broken
like the sunrise feels for the first time
i want to be bigger than this body
stronger than this heart
better than this skin
and this love
i want to be more beautiful than this pain
i will want everything i do not think i deserve

Friday, March 19, 2010

day 240: confusion

she was taboo
off limits
yellow tape
science goggles
make experiments safer
but its hard to sleep with
so w toss and turn in the aftermath
during sunset
whisper secrets to each other
like we aer eachothers keepers holders
there is something toxic sitting in the horizon that holds us like we are safe at dusk
but by mid afternoon
the intoxication has cleared and we can not longer see through our confusion

Thursday, March 18, 2010

day 239: sun

toxic sun kisses
break my back forward
break my forward back to the beginning
sunset is shining here like forecast is screaming your name
come home
and wait for the setting sun to born itself

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

day 238:

our poems mean nothing if we do not learn how to hold them properly
between your fingertips
in her heart
i hold my words
safeguarded ribcage
we trade pains like currency

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

DAy 237: frozen

she had lips that tasted like trouble
her fingertips were broken and frozen shut
like my chest
we sat their in suffocation for what felt like minutes
staring down each others awkwardness
our bodies were speaking in tongues
and we couldn't control it
so we held our hands before our faces
shielding our souls from the fire
holding our hearts when we could
trying to cushion the fall
the breaking
the way we soared heavy
we heave in bitterness
our lips are turing to candy
like trouble
and we are frozen in our footsteps.

Monday, March 15, 2010

day 236:

i played a guessing game with my 6 year old sister
she picks anything in the world and i ask her questions until i can guess what the thing is
i'd call it 20 questions
but shes insists on calling it guessing
today i realized my sister sees race like its a binary blurred in brown bodies
she said
its a thing
on your body
"what color can it be"
any color she replied
black brown or white

this poem isnt working out. sl;kja;ldsfjas;ldfjk;alsdfjk

Sunday, March 14, 2010

day 235: in hawaii

In Hawaii

Children learn to show face at an early age

Keep their hands tight to their brown bodies

Color in the lines

The island is too small to risk saying the wrong words

Believing the wrong beliefs

We hide behind our inability to live up to our potential


I am reminded again on how this island’s politics have infected our souls

and Our hearts break in the aftermath or indecision

For the first time since I was born

I am ashamed to be from Hawaii

Ashamed of what it has become

ashamed to be represented by a government

that is too selfish to show their politics on the matter of Civil Unions

as a means to protect their own seats

the silence in these islands is defaning

and our children are growing up thinking that ignoring a situation is problem solving

we know better than to think that this apathy is anything better than bigotry

we are all waiting for someone to step up and give up their face for what’s best for this community

you see

In better times, we would hope for good leadership.

But at times like these,

plain leadership will do.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

day 235: retunring

it is cold
the smell
and unpleasant
the man beside me has harry arms
crocked teeth
he is unpleasant to touch
it is all unpleasant
i am tired
haven't slept well in months
but this seat is uncomfortable
unpleasant if you will
i am going home
the only way i know how
with dry tear ducts
an open heart
and a suitcase full of expectations
my baggage is heavy
walking this way is uncomfortable
i've got my music on my back
i wish i could play and sing and walk and carry myself to the curb
but i cannot
i go to the gym daily
but i am weaker than i have ever been
my bones are torn
it is painful most days
to exist
this way
i eat only when i am in pain
love only when i am drunk
or optimistic
it feels the same
my arms are open
i am retunring
the feeling in my stomach is less than unpleasant
but its good to be home

Friday, March 12, 2010

day 234: ending

But I am hoping

There is a 12 year old girl out there who hears this

And through these words knows that she is not alone

That’s its not just her and a god that doesn’t exist in this world

Both selling themselves short

Beautiful girl

There is a goddess under your skin

She lives there as long as you let her

And whenever you second-guess yourself


God is still breathing

If he can make it

So can you

Thursday, March 11, 2010

day 233: for the house of representatives

In Hawaii

Children learn to show face at an early age

Keep their hand tight to their brown bodies

Color in the lines

The island is too small to risk saying the wrong words

Believing the wrong beliefs

We hide behind our inability to live up to our potential


I am reminded again on how this island’s politics have infected our souls

and Our hearts break in the aftermath or indecision

For the first time since I was born

I am ashamed to be from Hawaii

Ashamed of what it has become

ashamed to be represented by a government

that is too cowardly to show their politics on the matter of Civil Unions

as a means to protect their own selfish interest

Shame on us all for allowing such hatred to exist—and for allowing others to think that their apathy translates to anything less than pure bigotry.

In better times, we would hope for good leadership.

But at times like these,

plain leadership will do.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

day 323: in progress

James says some nights

He can hear Jessica tap dancing on his scull

She is easels paintbrush dancing on his memories

Rhythmic broken screaming in his eardrum

When do you sleep James?

When are your thoughts silent enough to dream to?

Does Jessica ever feel like a lullaby?

James the last time I held you

it was two hours until night

two hours until I could feel your mind flip

dive into conversations one after the other

with persons stuck somewhere in the space between your ears

dancing along the place where your thoughts use to be

james calls his mother dreamer

and she tells him at sunrise

there is nothing in the dark of your mind

but he

he knows she doesn't know what teddy bears turn into in the dark

at sunset

she only sees her son turned christopher robin holding childhood too tight

and jessica is the only one who never forgets to kiss him goodnight

sometimes james mothers forgets what name he answers to so she slings silent prayers to her son


there is no room for more voices between his ears

there is already too much clutter there

james whats it feel like to fear everything

the sound of your breath

your own heartbeat

are you ever afraid of your own reflection

convinced that you are not there today?

They say skitsofrania is is a mental disorder characterized by abnormalities in the perception or expression of reality.

But reality

Reality is not being able to sleep because there is someone tap dancing on your skull


Is loving your self so much that you don’t know how to survive the pain of no one agreeing with you


Is a 12 year old boy sitting alone at lunch

Left with nothing but his perception

Maybe we are all seeing something from the wrong angle

Maybe today james is sane

And we are all blocking out consciousness in fear of being too james like

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Day 232:

tonight i slipped silence through my lips
thats what you'd think
i was broken
screaming for you to see me
but my silence is only so deafening
ive never felt so unimportant

but you wouldn't know any of this
you are as blind as i am silent
and nothing i can do will ever change that.

Monday, March 8, 2010

Day 231: you

its so easy to get lost here
in the pauses in our dialects
it almost feels embracing
til it breaks
sends steel shivers down spines
porcupine love
we've got it down
learned to hold each other at arms length
everyone is afraid of everything in this place
in a world where we die knowing less about ourselves when we are born
we are all lost
and those of us who arent are dishonest
so they really arent much better
we really arent as amazing as we always thought we would be'
and tonight that feels just fine
but tomorrow
tomorrow we will cry over our mediocre skin
how we wished to be more

it is easy to get lost here
in the pauses between your breath
where i slept last fall
listening to your heart beat
after beat
after beat
after beat
til it broke

it really is so easy to get lost here.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

day 230: ???

why do we wear cultures like costumes?

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Day 229:

i can almost feel the sand now
im wainting to go home
hold my sisters
where everything is alright even when the world is ending
home makes it betters
mends the fractures

Friday, March 5, 2010

DAy 228: waiting for something

sleep in my skin
it taste like salt
where its moist
waiting for you there
hold my chest to your ear
hear my heart
its there
my skin
tste it
we are all wiating
for something

Thursday, March 4, 2010

day 227: metaphor

a friend told me today that in ghana names have days
if i could
i would name thursday for the salt in the breeze
it is missing here
like you are
i would name you after all the parts of the ocean i miss
because like you
i haven't touched the ocean in months
its thursday
and im missing a lot right now
mostly the breeze
the salt
the water
and im not sure if that was supposed to be a metaphor for you
or not.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

day 226: missing you means

last night
i cried for the first time for you
the tears came out like daggers
there was not release, just punishment
i am weary to say i miss you
not because it might not be true
but because what missing you means.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

day 225: sunrise

wait for me in the space between the island and the sky
the broken horizon cradles us there
like babies
we can be the only whole thing in the universe
spinning ourselves thin
breaking ourselves whole
like love cared enough to hold us
we know we are our own heroes and enemies
just waiting to let our guards down
barely willing to be bigger than ourselves
so we are just wading in this horizon
til sunrise

Monday, March 1, 2010

day 224:

the sunrise taste like cotton candy sunrise
at least thats what i imagine
the ocean
smells sweet like candy
our sugar coated world melts in our palms
under the sun
this is the most ridiculous thing i've EVER written