Saturday, July 31, 2010

Day 383:10 things that remind me of a thunder storm

Ten things that remind me of a thunderstorm

summertime in indiana
farmhouse earthquakes
baby, dont cry. its not the plates tonight
its just the sky learning to fall right
theres nothing to be afraid of
the universe has been screaming for years
it will be alright

the way the small of his back contracted as he walked out
when he left
things seemed to shake
like indiana in summer
like thunder in my skin
like her didnt want to go
like i drove him away anyways
it always starts with a spark

its all so much scarier on the page

her breath at 4 AM upon my chest
her palm upon my back
her fingers across my face
her lips curled into themselves
my skin waiting to be held
her walking away
looking back through the window
darting away with a spark of yellow
like my brother
like lighting
like she was never coming back


the first time she asked me what it meant to be adopted
how it seemed wrong that there were no signs
there should have been rain
but there was just roaring trembles
i can still feel those questions under my soles.

make up sex

the distance between two bodies
like the distance between the sky and earth
how its hard to tell where ones begins and one ends
its as if they are always touching
always roaring
always remembering

BUmper cars at county fairs
fist fights in middle school
wrestling with boys
being called a dyke
words that hurt
first that burn
sounds that cannot be forgotten
slammed door
closed hearts
things you dream to forget
like the first time you kissed and didnt mean it
how you learned to make the right noises- the ones that were familiar
like the sky does sometimes when you know she doesnt feel like moaning
not every night is the right time

the word NO
how its sharp and should be able to harness anyones attention
how it changes

how it seems to be ignored

summertime in indiana
in DC
in California
summertime playing hearts against each other
texts msg ringtones
like the way i imagine her smile
from the backsteat of the taxi
she's never coming back

Friday, July 30, 2010

Day 382: Letter challenge day 2- to a crush

i once met a citizen of the world
a continent jumping princess
she reminds me of the ocean
how i can feel her even when i'm dry and land locked
how i miss her, even when i am neck deep in her waters
her hair
is a midwest thunderstorm
and earth shaking
she is universe crumbling beauty
wrapped in brazilian skin

stunning woman
wont you look my way
wont you hold me in your current
wont you let me drown there for a moment
take me under your crashing
let me feel out of my own breathe just to be fully enraptured in your own spell

i am sitting at home today
thinking of the ocean
thinking of your palms
wondering what your fears would taste like on my tongue
thinking about burning candle wax
and incense
and wondering what keeps your fire glistening
im thinking about your dimples
and all your other craters and mountains
about the architecture you call a body
im thinking about you
your throat swelling voice
your trembling heartbeat
im wondering about it all
how you somehow came to be all of this in one skin

where does all your beauty fit
how is there still room for your stories in your skin
and is there any room for me
for this bodiless child spirit
for my stories
and voice
for the things most forget too soon
can i keep them on your forearm
in your torso
will you hold me there
on your bosom
at least for a moment
let me bloom
become more than spirit
can you teach what it feel like to be beautiful
to be seen and felt
to be in someone's memory
as a land mass
as an ocean
as something solid
as something more than what is
this body

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Day 381: Best friend

We dont know each other that well
but the first day of this challenge is to write a letter to my best friend
and i thought of you
we are similar
different shades
all the same
our skins are made of dreams and sweat and questions that were once too old for our frames
not anymore
we are just the right ages to know we know nothing
our swag is impeccable
might i add
it seems destiny that we share bait squad family
some ties just amke sense
usually its the ones we are allowed to choose
like friendship

you remind me of the version of myself i want to be someday
please dont take that lightly
or think im creepy
im just writing what im thinking and im thinking about spongebob macaroni and cheese or at least the spirals
everyone knows the shapes make it so much better
maybe we can cook together sometime
surround the table with beautiful "straight" women
and drink our stomachs into ecstasy

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Day 380: caught up

my eyelids are heavy
the ocean is blue
my pupils are black
iris' green
no brown
shes mesmerized
i want to be what she see's
sometimes i wish the ocean was green
the sky black
i want to be the ocean
but my eyelids are too heavy
i have no reason to call myself that beauty
beauty she is like sunrise
turning my pupil purple or pink
or yellow
or bright
i am not bright
she is shining
i am waiting to exceed my own expectation

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Day 379: sunrize

do you remember your first sunrise
how the light hit you hard
as if it were to burn
how your lips learned to fold into themselves shortly after
how everything seemed more beautiful while it was coming out of darkness
how darkness made everything looks better in comparison

we are the spark at the end of the horizon
a simple reminder of the worlds potential
broken body pieces
folding into each others skins
watch as i explode

Monday, July 26, 2010

Day 378: to do list

learn to do a backflip
remember to yourself that falling backwards blind isnt nearly as scary as it sounds in your head
with the right support
anything terrifying can be liberating

keep things
not everything
but all the trinkets you've come to think are worthless
hold them like the goddess they once were
remember which hearts and memories sing
and then give them away to the beautiful people you meet
the rock that looks like a silver heart- give it to the girl who doesnt know shes in love with you yet
let her ease into that insecurity
and then hold her like she never doubted you for a second
the dinosaur figurine- give it to the boy in texas
who's heart seems to bloom in your eyes at dawn
remember the taste in your mouth when you realized how much of a miracle he is to be
the transparent glass chess piece- hold that for yourself
remember that even the pawn can turn the game around with a step in the right direction
find beauty in all these lessons

stop biting your nails (yes asha, i stole this from you)
its not only disgusting
but also, no one should be able to see the weakness of your heart in your hands
they should be the strongest bits about you. remember that you held jesus in those palms once
made a blanket of rosary for him to kneel in
you have nothing to be ashamed of

mow the lawn
twice a year
just to remember that even the most mundane can grow in 6 months
bottle the smell and leave it beside your pillow for when you need a reminder during slumber
remember how far you've come with every day that passes
when you feel like you arent moving forward think of your first step, first word, first kiss and remind yourself how many you've had since
the progress you've made will be impossible to ignore

love yourself
take every compliment you get
no matter how far fetched and tie it to your extremities
when you have enough to make a kite
run until you are air born
and remember never to doubt your miraculousness again
for jesus only walked on water
but you, you hold that golden substance in your belly
you were half the miracle

you are infinitely small
just a piece of an everlasting cycle of inspiration
takes peace in that power
it will make you versatile
you are sooo significant in this puzzle
dont let your size fool you
every drop of salt in the ocean is necessary

touch the people you meet
remember the texture of their palms
and necks
hold them like your mother taught you
hard and long
remember that EVERYTHING is permanent in this world
we have just forgotten how to see and speak to the other side of reality
dont ever dare to pretend that this life is all there is
your spirit deserves far more credit than that

be love
its the only right way to be anymore
and there are so many versions
be the one you feel in your bones
the one thats builds fires in the ribcages of beautiful girls, citizens of the world
remember how you held her
and how her eyes felt as if they saw something more than skin
more that this molding
remember the way that made you feel
and infinitely

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Day 377: the life of a performer

make me boneless
to be carried in your pocket
your disposal
my heart
waiting to be touched
or frozen

make me cold
like heat is fearful
like we want othing more than to be preserved

make me golden
plaque me on a wall
i am masterpiece
you are master
i am waiting for you work
hang me there
to be seen
and unspoken
i will dance for you until meal time

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Day 376: to you

Sun kissed beauty.
Show me your organs.
Hold yourself up to the stars.
Be florescent.
I am in awe of your sparkle.
Sleep with me in our distant soul searching bodies.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Day 375: storm chaser

I know I said I would wait for u to catch me.
But I've never been that good at patience.
There is something about your silence i find mesmerizing.
How everything in my body can tell me to hold u a certain way
but your eyes send me backwards into unchartered territories.
Uve got a hot and coldness about u,
and my mind tells my body im just imagining the heat of your heart against my veins.
Because your coldness is the only side i can see justified.

I am no answer for you.
I am only questions and fears.
I am the Volcano that can destroy everything in your atmosphere just to make way for my self.
For us both to be reconstructed within eachother.
You see, there are words you send me that I don't know how to read.
Without the tone of your voice
I cannot make myself a home within your syntax.

But I knw that making u question means something.
I know that being In this body seems to confuse things.
I am no man, I will nver be.
But there's something to be said for the matches I can stil light within you.
And the stillness u cn bring me.

U see my land, it sits on still water
and yet my home is in midstorm.
I've been looking for pieces of u here all day.
Promises you never made
and all I seem to come up with is I don't think I said goodbye properly.
I didn't hold u right or long enough.
My lips folded into themselves before anything daring could happen.
But amidst all this remembered regret ifeel u in my ocean.
A steadfast buoy carrying some kind of hope through the storm.
While there seems to be nothing but chaos I feel u wading in my waters.
Your breath warm against my shivers.
A constant reminder
of why
I want u here.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Day 374: super nova

Penguins mate for life
galaxies mate for light years.

We could travel through eternity at the speed of light
and it's fleeting duration wouldn't matter.

Cuz it's intensity,
not time
that determines power.

The connection we have
is made of the universe
of star dust and dreams.

Our love's spark is a supernova,
a hurricane takedown..
it has the power to destroy everything in it's path.
Everything we know.

There's so shame in this fear
because there is nothing more honest then our two bodies shaking in a empty bed full of questions;
breathing each others exhales.
Waiting for something to move or change.
For something to spark,
and explode.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Day 373:the sheet metal ocean

The ocean looks like a piece of rippled sheet metal from here.
The materials used before manifesting metal currncy.
Im cashing in my favors with god
praying this plane somehow makes everything settle properly
makes it all fall in the right plce
like coins at the bottom of your pocket.
Let me jingle to reming u of my presence-
without touch without my spirits manifestation.
Carry me in your inner ear.
Where your body remembers to balance.

If you couldn't tell I am mid-flight and thinking of the taste of your breath.
How it tickled the back of my throat with your laughter.
How being so close only made me want to be closer.
It's a scary word.
Weighs more than it's lettering.
Do not fear it's meaning.
I know my place.
I am wise enough not to overturn mountains at least not near your homes foundation.
But know,
the laughter was real,
touch sincere,
and affection, the most terrifying I've ever tasted.

You say u know me,
but I must have forgotten our birth.
Why else would the fear be settling here.
Where everything should be familiar,
but instead is stunningly terrifying.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Day 372:holding and letting go

When I was born my mother taught me to hold everything I touch
so that everything I encountered might serve to hold me up.
From my first blanket to my last boyfriend-
I can still feel them swimming through me.

Growing up changed things.
Loving and leaving hurts.
To be left breaks
so In the last 5 years
I've struggled with the act of letting go.
And leaving behind.

But there's this residue.
It's stuck at the roof of my mouth.
A constant reminder that live is more beautiful somewhere else.
I want to share those secrets with u,
the things I hvent yet shifted through
the hearts I'm still holding there.
I want to show u the space that I'll hold the parts of u that I've kept still.
There are parts of me that i want u to keep too.
Like My voice.
the way it cracks in your air.
my skin.
how it's coldness is only there to remind us both how warm your presence makes me.

So Lace me into you vertebrae
because The marrows i said I didn't have are weeping in your distance.
The only comfort I have left here is in reunion.
In the reminder of two severed souls' fusion.

This morning
I was hoping that you would either stay
or your skin might fully slip through my grip.
Not to forget but instead not to feel or remember in the form of empty space.
Of distance.
My selfishness wants the residue gone
but my heart and soul They want u and your stickiness,
your baggaged stubbornness.
You me and a room full of space and blankness.
A suicide in itself.
The desire to hold u enough in this moment
that I don't need to take u with me.
You belong in tht energy.
And someday I'll trust my heart enough
to scrape the ink clean
and have faith in a return to that atmosphere.

Monday, July 19, 2010

371: not moving

From a somewhat shy kinda fly girl u may know.
To the beauty which hopscotched continents....

You eyes remind me of home.
They are soft and consistent.
How they seem to know enough of what they want without needing to wonder.

Your lips,
they remind me of all the world I have not yet had the honor of understanding.
They feel enough to remember.
They are mysteries visible enough to be torturous.

Your hands,
hold like daughters.
Touch like ocean water.
Move like tides,
they are seamless.
Feel sewn into my skin and soul
like the mixture of purpose and desire.

You Are a poem that cannot be written.
It cannot be done justice.
And yet many will try and fail and go unnoticed.
Tonight I'm calling my attempt out to the universe,
I'm watching the solar system chuckle in my defeat.
Im calling my lips: unworthy,
my heart: hard and open,
my skin: waiting,
my eyes: evil.

I'm calling me everything that wants to move u
but doesn't

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Day 370: bodies and broken time

I've got words for u.
But my coward of a voice cowers in the idea of speech.
Of placing sounds to tongue in your air space.
I try to speak then with my body
but there's only silent stares
only powdered bones
praying to settle somewhere on your skin,
where u breathe.
Near your lips.

Some people dream in stories,
I dream in bodies.
In kisses caressed.
Where nothing is broken but time.
And we sit there.
Lay rather.
Staring down the night.
My words would make a great flashlight
but I am silent
and you are beautiful
so we just wait in the darkness.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Day 369:matryr

There are no marrows in my bones.
Just martyrs.
I've got veins
they a full of more dirt then blood.
I'm still trying not to fall into my ocean.
My body wasn't meant for this passage.
My mother told me once when I was born,
I looked more like spirit then body-
ever since I've tried to take myself back to that beauty.
I can see my stories in your pupils.
Dark but beautiful.
I can feel your heartbeat in my inner ear drum.
There is space there for u.
I've seen it.
Held it.
It's everthing I try to convince my self to hide
until it's too late

Friday, July 16, 2010

Day 368: starnight

Your skin is the taste of the moon.
The texture of raindrops...
you were made of more than the stars,
more than the sun,
your hold the universe in you breath,
the galaxy in your spirit.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Day 367: The Saga

There's an Eclipse In your gaze
twilight on your tongue.
Your veins are breaking in dawn,
waiting for a new moon to settle in dust.
The sky is only lit tonight by starlight
but I can see all of u and more
in the space between our organs.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Day 366:

what do you do after a yar has past
and NOTHING remains

you pick yourself up and remind yourself theres no where to go but forward

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Day 365: i live here

At Stanford
We learn words that separate
We have calculated history into segments that can be divided
We have somehow geniuslly engineered a language that can do the opposite of what the WORD was meant to

We learn big new ages ideas like post race
Post modern
These things
Along with success
And beauty
Are measured with statistics
The brilliantly shaped minds come here for further molding into future leaders
They are Number crunchers
Some call them miraculous
But from where I’m standing
Most just look like finely tuned machines
I am still waiting on my upgrade
You see,
I have not yet found myself a home among those that academia deems genius
Because I come from a place
Where we know better than to measure anything with something as arbitrary as a number

Geographically isolated from the rest
I’ve been crying to my home since I left
Lately, it would be a lie to say I live there
Because I’ve been lying on other soil since 2008
But home
Home is where you learn what heartbreak taste like
is where you learn to drown and fall
where you have more buried family then alive
Home is there (point)
Across the ocean

This, this is just resting ground
This is just where I landed when I was foolish enough to think I could “find myself” away from my own soil

Brothers and sisters
Look west
You can see the sirens screaming stories into this continent
They are carried so graciously in our vocal chords
The next generation of poetry slinging dragons are here
At brave new voices
Has been making noise here for 5 years
Daring to tell a story more precious than our combined breaths
We have learned to be good visitors
From all the bad ones we’ve encountered
And although i cannot speak for the world
I can speak for my people
When I say I will never “live” here
But If we could remind ourselves that the distance
Between our bodies and the places and people we have come to adore
Is just the amount of space we allow to separate our voices
I’d like to think we could still find a way for our souls to kiss-at least for a moment
We could be on the same page
The same breath

if I could find myself settled within the brace of your ribcage
And you could lul me to sleep with the stories not yet written on my skin
If I could live in you
Maybe the WORD could live in us all
Maybe then we wouldn’t be so afraid to speak
Maybe then
We’d all learn
To stop counting
stop pretending that we are “post” ANYTHING

maybe then
we could just live
In a moment

Monday, July 12, 2010

Day 364: deserve

i just want to throw myself into you
and never come up for air
suffocate in your perfection
under that skin

cut me off there like blood flow
like oxygen
like your breath
like the step you take before you say you love me
how i fall every time i am in that space
how you always seem to dins the strength to catch me
bring me back to reality
hold me there
until i am half as beautiful as you deserve

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Day 363: poker face

tomorrow evening
while you are still asleep
i will be breathing you in
from my bed
at least trying to

you are what i think of when i hav nothing to write
or to say
when i feel empty
somehow i see your face

you are like a deck of cards
someone forgot to shuffle
from this angle
everything looks stacked

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Day 362: you are the sun

someone once said you were crimson
but i think your soul is golden
i can see you in the sun
when its new moon
and w are revolving around the earth
i see you then
starring down my window
like a piece of golden rod
honey like
like ill never get you off my skin
or clean
form my bones

Friday, July 9, 2010

Day 361: hap hazzard missing

forgive me for remembering your taste
after its gone

they call this love letter mishap
we were the ones hap hazard missing

something black is hanging on the horizon
it looks almost pink in the distance

something like love
someone said
or told me

i cant remember
the signs anymore

no one is singing
but theres a ring in my ear

its shaped like your heart
when i pull at it

it screams at me when im cold
and missing you

im waiting in the darkness for your return

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Day 360:

the silence here is deafening
this house is full of empty space
and crap
no people or hearts
i am hungry here
for some kind of contact
a brush of skin to bone
where i usually feel you
there is only space
an empty house
hungry for someone to speak
or breathe

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Day 358: for you

something about that smile seems broken
in hiding
and i fear
you're leaving
and im staying to long
and you may not want me to
i am so tightly tied to this bed
and you've been around lately
you have me wondering why
and i fear
my weakness with be the death of it all

Monday, July 5, 2010

Day 357:

i've never been so fascinated by my own organs
until i realized i was loosing all the useless ones
its been approximately 2 years since the last time i've been sliced this way
most of my scars are under my skin
but today
i've got three new ones
staring the sun down
playing chicken with my nerves
waiting to see whether of not i can handle the pain
i am too fidgety for my own good
but somehow healing takeplace in this room
whether everything seems broken
stays broken
but im home now
there is not excuse left
other than to recover

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Day 356:kahu daug

i can feel you in this room
like you never left
the shape of it stings
under my skin
and i am not prepared for it all
in this state of morphine
i can feel you in these walls
i am afraid
and i miss you
i am crying
the doctors think i am in pain
when no one really understands

Saturday, July 3, 2010

day 355:

what goes to you pray to
are they sung in psalms
or written in scripture
like stone
can they be changed
do you kneel
or stand there
where bones are broken
into steel

i wonder

Friday, July 2, 2010

Day 345:

sign me away like you do your last name
behind it all
ill always be there
you need not attend to me
i cannot leave without you asking
and filing the right papers
i am stuck to you like law
like you dont have to bother remembering
i am second string
second best
on reserve
ready for when you need me
ill come off this bench running
back into your arms
like you didnt forget in the first place

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Day 344: Ex Lover

we have too many secret under our skin
leaving no oxygen for our blood to breathe
and it all seems so trivial
these butterflies that have been left from him
dying on my bedroom floor
to you
its all so black and white
to me
everything grey
im monotone
cracking in your uncertainty
his ability to break you in silence
in the negative space
it feel like glass under my skin
but its just secrets
you see
there is nothing there but wind
and you can feel it across the island

i can see it in your eyes
you nightmare of him with someone else
like i do of you with him
these secrets
i feel them in my bones
marrow deep
like leukemia
building in my weakness
i can taste the death coming on my tongue
like the butterflies you still feel for someone else
they are dying on my bedroom floor
tonight i will carry to the window
watch them fly or fall
which way we will follow