Monday, May 31, 2010

Day 313:

i cant sleep in this darkness
it is too empty of being full
i can feel my roots ripping themselves from their seams
the silence feels like we're slinging pebbles into eachothers skins
i cant think
or breathe
anything without you
im so sorry
and i wish that meant something still
but we both know
everything gone stale
above all,
my heart

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Day 312:so hard

what if i wanted to change my mind
what if i wanted it all back
is it too late
are we already gone
and lost
theres an empty feeling in the belly of my gut
theres nothing left there but bad choices
and regrets
im still trying to take everything back
and put it all where it belongs

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Day 311: amber

i seem to have fit the ocean in my palm last night
the distance is closing
our skin seem to sing during twilight
and yet
i cant seem to write a stanza that fits the description
i've forgotten the taste of your breath on my neck
the tremble in your fingertips
but i remember the vibration of your voice
the temptation in your touch
these are the things that make me wish i could remember more
they keep me up at night
you keep me waiting for morning
in silence

Friday, May 28, 2010

Day 310:language

before our language was born
we spoke with the insides of our tongues
called our fingertips wizards and our hearts explosions
we watched them collide in the horizon
but we called it the ocean
cuz they were both blue on good days
and we were just taking cues from the guy next store
he had a way of playing with our explosions and the strings of our wizards
got us broken in and spun backwards
this is the way our language breaks
when we call our spinal chords microphone cables
and our tongues leeches
we get ties up in everything we stand for and speak on
its all just a big mess

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Day 309:

i dont feel like i have anything left to write
like the words are just gone
been gone

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Day 308: Trite

her lips were gray
and scabbed
torn at the edges
she doesn't remember how to breathe or speak
she in familiar to everyone
her body is public property
she is ripping from the inside
i wonder if she still breathes
if she stopped
would any of us even notice

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Day 307: somedays the lines come from the night, and we dont deserve to know why

when the silence sets in
the blackness of sound it makes
paints itself over your limbs
we use that as glue
on good days
its almost enough
on bad days
its almost enough
we're in a constant state of almost
and no one knows but us

Monday, May 24, 2010

Day 306: five, four, three, two, one.

weʻve been counting down since the beginning
its kind of our thing
we place the pacific between our bodies
and we count the stars that separate us in days
weʻd count the moon
but we can only see one
and thats not enough syllables to keep our tongues busy in our loneliness
so in the meantime
we count up on our right hand to infinity
and down on our left
til the day weʻll see each other again
say its a fun game
so we dont have to cry
cuz then we would be sore losers
and no one wants to be a sore loser

i say fourteen
and you, you are somewhere in the millions
somewhere high above our bodies
drifting through the atmosphere
you must of cheated
skipped a few thousands
but i dont say a thing
cuz i think you desire to win is adorable
and no one wants to be a tattle tale

we switch roles
and you take over my number


but im lost somewhere in space between one million and infinity
the emptiness seems too vast to document
i get frustrated sometimes with the numbers that separates us
and i cry
and you call me ridiculous
but you know its not because there are too many stars
its because theire arent enough
and not nearly enough are aligned tonight
otherwise weʻd be seeing the same constellations
but you can barely see the moon in this part of california
let alone orions belt
maybe thats the problem
i can love
what i dont see
but i cannot see what i know i love

i dont want to count anymore...

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Day 305: her arms

shes gone again
or maybe its me
i cant really tell this time
maybe we're both gone
maybe we're somewhere in the atmosphere
away from this earth
away from our memories
but all i feel is lonely
and empty
and i wish she could come back and hold me
but there is something missing
there is too much space
an ocean more vast
than our hearts
and our love
its broken
right now
i cant feel you right now
i cant see you
right now
and im waiting
for the mountains to crumble into themselves
for the sea to turn stone
so i can walk the 2 thousand miles
until i am in


Saturday, May 22, 2010

Day 304: not scary, yet

i dont want you to go
stay in my skin
hold my intestines together
do something
before you leave
grant me a wish
or a kiss
hold my hands
like we are children again
and we are scared of nothing and everything at the same time
everything but love
love isnt scary yet
its still just sharing
and popsicles
and older sisters
love isnt scary yet
dont let it get sacry
just keep holding my hand
and let me kiss u in public
dont stutter away
because it shouldnt be sacry
love shouldnt be scary
not yet

Friday, May 21, 2010

Day 303:

you are sitting beside me
but still
you seem so far away

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Day 302: how i feel about sexual orientation equality

there arent enough words in my fingertips to show you how much i love you
so i try to write it for you with other parts of my body
my hips
we live in the kind of world
where we can speak with our bodies
but only behind closed doors
you and i
find ourselves screaming into these walls
and sheets
just trying to bring our hearts close enough to touch
to make the world
shut the fuck up

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Day 301: getting used to it over it again

im am getting used to her sleeping here
breathing between my breast
he hand at my waist
i am finding my self accustomed to the sound of her chest rising
he awkward movements at midnight
the momentary discomfort
until she settles back between my ribcages
but i am still afraid of it all
she will be leaving soon
back on an airplane
acorss the ocean
when ill have to get used to a whole other kind of sleeping

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Day 300: twenty

today i turned 20
but it might as well be a hundred
i felt heavy this morning
like my life was ending
im turning chapters
like children's book pages
and im missing yesterdays
and simplicity
and everything else that is easy
but i must still be pretty young
to think
that being 20
is the end of it all

Monday, May 17, 2010

Day 299: on the verge

im on the verge of so many things
its 10:18pm
in less than two hours
i say goodbye to my teens
the glory years
call me adult backwards
tomorrow morning it will be day 300 of this blog
or forcing words like salt through my skin
call it sweat induced tension
there is so much to fear
i am shivering in the thought of it all
so beautiful,
do me a favor
and hold me like ill fall apart if you let go
i fear

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Day 298: for all the love, for which wasnt enough

soft skin
she stares
shaken stutter
surely suffer
she speaks
soft scream
soon safe
show perfection.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Day 297: When poetry isnt enough

i shiver
its colder here than it should be tonight
i am holding myself
thinking of you
imagining more than this space
it all seems soo small tonight
and yet every inch is so vast
there is nothing more i can write
so i am holding you in my memory
in the meantime...

Friday, May 14, 2010

Day 296: all the things i couldn't say then

i have a birthmark on the peak of my shoulder
i always wished you would notice it
give it more of your time
i wanted my imperfections to harness your attention
but they didnt
i had so many
i didnt know what to do with them
so i would fling them at the ceiling while you slept
some nights i would wake u up to them

im better now
i meant to say that earlier
i have less secrets and the ones i do will never get out
i promise
ive got stronger walls
better skin
i find myself defined by the imperfections
the birthmarks
beauty spots
when i think of them
i think of you
and how you didnt pay them much mind
you overlooked them all
for as long as i let you
and i didnt realize until just now
how that was the best thing you could do for me
but the worst for yourself

i guess what i mean to say is,
i love you
and thank you for calling me beautiful
when i was surely
nothing more
a monster

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Day 295:a reminder

Charles bukowski said,
"as the poems go into the thousands you realize that you've created very little."
that "the best writers have said very little"

i realize today that theres nothing i have created that wasnt already there
my pain is not original
we share this
all of it..

so for the girl in the back of the classroom that cant believe anyone when they say shes beautiful remember that we are all a part of the same poem and without eachother
we say very little
that without a little faith,
we dont actually speak at all.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Day 294: apocalypse

***I'm trying to mess around with narrative/fiction poetry***

remember that day at the park
when you told me the sky was folding into itself slowly
that soon
the galaxy would hold onto the stars like pimples
and we would fall before we could watch the end
remember how we looked into the clouds
waiting for a sign
a crack
how i asked you to hold me and tell me a story
like it was bedtime
do you remember that day
it was the last time i cried
because i thought i wasnt ever going to see you again
i cried again like that, today
reminded myself that every day is the end of the world
but we are all still looking into empty gods for signs

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Day 293: time Vs. Distance

i remember trying to fit you in my pocket
like a keepsake
something could take with me when u left
when i was leaving
but when i was gone
you were too and it wasnt fair to keep the phone lines clear
so we pretend not to know each other
even in our own faces
we have forgotten the taste of our lips
pressed together
like we are children against the glass

we still try to fit each-other into keepsake boxes
or at least i do
but our memories dont fit there
so i've got to constantly carry you on my skin
like something i can forget
its not a memory just yet
this is all still happening
the cracks are all fresh
the dew is still pressed against us
and only time can changed us like the distance did
my only wish is:
thats enough to make a differnce

Monday, May 10, 2010

Day 292: haiku

feel her on my skin
loving is never easy
waiting in the wings

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Day 291:cop out


Saturday, May 8, 2010

Day 290: waiting for you

waiting for you
is like pulling each goose bump from my forearm
its painful and slow
it makes you want more
and you realize you are missing so much
your skin
in the meantime
you heart
tries to forget how to beat
to get your attention
and bring you back home

Friday, May 7, 2010

Day 289: time

you can taste the hills on the drive
we leave everything but our dreams behind us
comfort and bed
we follow the bends on the 5
hoping to be taken somewhere real today
we pack up our bodies
our covers
leave our hearts at our sleeves
and wish for the best
we find nothing but questions in the meantime
the only road we have is here
the choice is already made
we've got nothing

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Day 288: before im gone

you've got to know that i loved you
before im gone
remember the songs we sang late at night a cappella
air guitar
you in my free arm
you need to know i held you there
into the darkness
even when it was scary
i put you away in my skin
you kept us both warm that way
by just being there
there are so many things i didnt say enough
like im sorry
beautiful, im sorry

im happier now,
happier than yesterday at least
happy with someone else
never thought i could be
but you need to know
before im gone
while we are both still here
that itll never replace the 365 days we had
even the bad ones
moving on doesnt mean that has to go too
it can still sit in its happy place in the past
where everything looks perfect from this side

you should know, i love her
the new girl
she doesnt hold me like you did
but she makes me feel safe and happy
im a better person when im with her
it feels right
its better off that way anyhow
you are far enough from my hands

nothing has to shatter anymore

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Day 287: museums


We take shots like pinky promises to late night pledges

Sleep on unscented pillows

Pretending loneliness is the same thing as being cold

so we don’t have to feel like we are missing anything but covers and


when in reality

we’ve got enough of them both and not enough of each other

Do we only want what we cant have to spite god when we get it

There are still kisses on my lips

Too stubborn to go stale of fade

I can taste yours there

Like we lasted longer than an evening of dreams


We pull strings

Like and over extended musicians one night stand

Playing music with our emotions

Sometimes I sing flat

And you’ve been listening anyways

My heart is stretched between beaches

in museums

we put beautiful things in glass boxes... in life we put beautiful people thousands of miles apart

and we’ve victims of distance

slow dancing in a collapsing warehouse

on fire

but im all about loves destruction

so break the fences between us

unlock your heart from whatever it is in your soul that makes you scared to touch someone without your hands

and let me hold me like rainfall

like we’re freezing but we cant tell the difference so we say we’re lonely

meet me under the bleachers and we can just talk for hours

if you hold my hand

you might feel my heart beating


ignore the organ on my sleeve

just follow the one in your chest


We take shots like pinky promises to late night pledges

we find pleasure in being tongue tied with hearts open

We promise not to forget

Not to fall in love

Not to get too close


Something has got to give.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Day 286: Phoenixing melodies.

Her name was Heolimeleikalani

The chant sung to the heavens

Her father once told her she was born to sing

Imagined red like the screeching burst of exploding sunsets


To flatten sharp melodies

Making notes flow off tongues

Painting the world to taste so beautiful

It would burn taste buts of ear-drums

And would feel like candy

She was born to compose happiness

By pheonixing strings into pullaways

Lioness guitars into cars to carry loneliness and other sour emotions away

But she was never taught how to survive

So when arthritis tried to snake the hiss of harmonics

Painted by her calloused fingertips

She cried

Once looked for love and tasting perfection only is the space between the first, third and fifth

But today she has looked beyond the treble clef

And its left her breathless

And since

Chords now only phoenix into echoing ashed silence and dissipate

They don't paint

Tigerd hands

Have be Found tired from the weight of histories too sharp to taste or sing

And then it seemed the keys slithered into snakes

Tuners and capos

No longer spider webbed plucked harmonics

She is lonely

Because since love died

She was left without music

Its beauty tricked her to believe

That strings could resonate hearts forever

Elephant memories

Made her believe music still howled within her

But the color of a perfect major

Hasn't shined in years

And she misses the taste of a perfectly kissed frequency

She's survived the death of 3am cutaway melodies

But barely

You see without the chords music makes to sew hearts and souls

Heoli is breaking

She survived arthritis long enough to still allow songs to parakeet through hollow pens

But barely

Shes survived loneliness

Penguin-ning lovers

But barely

And she has only been left with the memories of what reality could be

But wont be

She still breathes and dreams

But something is missing


The space between two perfectly played songs

Placed on the street between the slap of bass strings

That can Diminish minor chords

Just by a misplaced thumb


Where the air that the final resolving note rests on

lets you know the song is done

She is the final note

But she’s lost her song

She misses home

misses her song


i've been missing home

so just teach me at what frequency I have to kiss

to find my way back to scores and clefs that still resonate like music never left

teach my insomnia to sing be back to sleep

please just

Take me Home

To the origin of my song

Where all notes start

and breaths rest to let words part from lips

Because I miss the girl I was

when I was housed safely

in music

Monday, May 3, 2010

Day 285: loyalty

some mornings i wake feeling my body betray me
that my bones only ache because they are cowardly
it is those morning why i wonder why my heart is still beating
god knows, even you
that my heart is as weak as these crumbling joints
and yet
every morning i wake to this stumble
my heart still keeps my rhythm
maybe just to show me a small taste of loyalty
in hopes that someday
the rest of my body will follow
or that ill at least try to be the same

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Day 284: truth

There are still things i havent told you
im too cowardly that way
i wasnt sure when the secrets would stop getting between us
so i got rid of you instead of them
held myself through the shattered pieces
late nights
the times i didn't call or write
there are stories there i have tried hard to forget
unluckily i remember
the stories are tattooed somewhere sacred and hidden
they are permanent
give birth every time i give them enough attention to surface
these are the ingredients i need to hate myself
not that you still need any reason
if its any consolation,
im sorry for the way my deterioration cracked you
and in case you were still wondering, the love
that wasnt a lie
it was the truest thing i knew

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Day 283: memory

there are tears on the inside of my skin above my chest
the only scars i have left are under wraps
my pain is better left in the darkness
there is sun now
most days
i can convince myself to forget
the night can embrace you like that
but so can the sun
if you remember to love it
remember to hold it upright
that the tears
the tears were all worth it
cuz there were smiles too
you just cant see them anymore
those kinds of things dont attach themselves to your DNA and wait for darkness to sting
they shock you constantly
a freequent reminder of what used to be
thats how the darkness works
its only because it is the absence of something better
that it grabs at your spinal chord
a reminder
memory is your worst nightmare