Friday, April 30, 2010

Day 282: blah

i need to write a poem
but all i can think about is the texture of her hair
and the way you are torturing yourself reading my every breath backwards
upside down
twisting every syllable into a noose to hang us both from
its hard enough for everything to be over
even friendship hangs on thin thread here
but to know that i still have some sort of power in re-breaking you is terrifying
my own hands are folding into themselves
i will continue to hide then im the shadows

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Day 281: freudian slip

i can freudian slip my way into love with you
and ill put my foot in my mouth everytime
you wont believe me
find me tearing my tongue out at the end of each sentance

we all do it, say things we shouldnt say but mean anyway.

just be happy that the things i shouldnt say are beautiful

but they still shake the earth

we are bouquets ripping the seems

tangled roots tearing at each others feet

hoping the other might close the gap soon

but these words dont shorten the distance

you are still an ocean away

and im still ashamed of what i said

only cuz you seemed to be too

the static is deceiving


i picture you in my dreams

telling me you are in love with me too

in the morning

its hard to tell the difference.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Day 280: i dont fucking know

wall me up alive in my own body
let my heart beat there forever
leave me caged in skin
eternity waiting on my every breath
leave me there in calloused skin
let me tear the seems
and re-sew myself something new
something shiny
like the shell of a car
i could live there beating
this is is too "old school" for my taste
give me a hard-shell body
make me beautiful
lessen my value, take my skin
take my breath
leave me here alive
caged in
something new
if not
leave me be

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Day 279: my first sestina

To the love i had that i never wished to set

I am afraid, during daybreak to have lost part of you in the darkness

That’s where we hold our love, hard, broken

During sunrise

Some mornings I pretend to forget the way you touched

As to pretend you were never here, that way, its easier to be whole

But The feeling only last as long as a breath

The sunset, falls like im short during the night on breath

That is where I find you. In between horizons, fighting the darkness

You lay among severed bodies taunting them with your heart whole

Everything but you in this world is ugly broken

But you, you are still golden, platinum as if un-touched

on the good days, you call yourself sunrise

There are women who close their eyes to you, sunrise

Afraid to lose their breath

Everyone wants to leave something behind without being left behind or touched

it is the only thing we share in this darkness

our fear to show our hearts broken

but here it takes too many lies to be whole

I don’t remember being whole

I was never that well put together, not like the sunrise

But what does it mean to be broken

If we somehow still have our breath

Maybe we are sitting in the wrong shade of darkness

Just waiting for something to touch

Do you remember the first ting you broke from a single touch

How you thought dying was the only way you’d never again be whole

Before you learned no to let the world speak to you in darkness

Remember you were born a sunrise

Your mother watched you grow from her own breath

There is something beautiful in you, even broken

I have heard a story of the broken

The ones everyone fears to touch

So they hide themselves in their breath

Pretending to be whole

your mother told me thats why she birthed the sunrise

It was the only way to break the darkness

I think that’s why we love the sunrise

Why it always takes our breath

Because we owe it so much from leading us away from the darkness

Monday, April 26, 2010

Day 278: the sun an you

It is sunny here in northern California
The pretty girls are frolicking in floral skirts
Their hair moves in the wind like tides
It looks like a postcard at Stanford in spring
It is beautiful
And I am thinking of u

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Day 277: 3 weeks away from you

the ocean is taunting our static songs
i cannot smell the salt from here
my skin is dried
my heart is adjusting to the atmosphere
the horizon seems to be crying today in your absence
you are 3 hours behind me everyday
and yet most minutes i feel like i am following your breath
waiting for the sound of your chest rising at morning with the sun
there are three weeks that stand between us
and we walk towards each other in quicksand in the meantime
trying to hold our pride above the soil we find ourselves sinking into
somedays, i drop my body below the life line
my pride falls with me
in case that happens again soon
i want you to know
i love you much more than my self image
i'd rather hold u above this sullen earth than my heart
in many ways they are one in the same
the only difference is
my heart is always here
a constant reminder of how your absence aches

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Day 276: best we can do

i should be used to this
the jetlag
the runway
the tarmac
the landing gear
the goodbyes
the tears
the leaving
but every time i return
i learn to miss something new
someone new
she is why leaving hurts at early evening
why the takeoff doesn't feel just right
why i stall as much as i can just to spend a little more time in her buble
there are things we will never learn to love
is one of them
dealing and living at the same time
is the best we can do

Friday, April 23, 2010

Day 275: the adventures we shared on my living room bed

there are mornings when the ocean isnt enough
those are the days i find you sleeping in my skin
or beside me
breathing heavy
almost at a snore
its amazing how i can lose myself in your heartbeat
or the movements that seem random enough to bring you closer to me in the middle of the darkness
i swear last night
you pulled at my body during dream
held me like you wanted me in your skin
and i wished i could hold myself there forever
like i wished i could pocket the skin shaking vibrations of the day before
but somethings are meant to slip through your grip
to keep you around
to keep you honest
and real
and committed
so tomorrow
during dream
maybe we'll both turn to each others still bodies
hold out our palms
and ask each other to trace the others life line
maybe then we will learn to hold each others bodies
like we hold our own skin

Thursday, April 22, 2010

day 274: Hali'a

my sister dances like the moon
she is the only light in a dark room
a monalisa smile
she hides behind her leotards
tells stories with her skin
she is more beautiful that i will ever learn to write her
she turns fourteen
and i turn old
turn into sisters who never there enough
not around
not that i could help her anywayswe've got nothing in common but blood
but timelines and lifelines
family branches that crack at the foundation
we got nothing but history
and pride
we've got nothing but the same smile
and unforgiving hair
and mother
we've got the same mother
the same temper
the same need to be more
desire to explore
we've got nothing but childhood memories
we've got everything but time
just days, i guess
no one can predict
she is forteen tomorrow
and i am growing old in the meantime
wondering where the years went
where the wild things went to hide
whether or not we can go back
whether or not i would actually wnat to go back
cuz i was mean then
and she was irritating
and im probably still mean
but she's the most beautiful girl i've ever called family
i'm sad i've missed so much
and rarely understood
we have nothing in common but blood
but surely thats a lot more than i ever thought it would.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

day 273: coming home

when she comes here
she grabs me like she trying to take a part of me with her when i leave
like shes trying to take me apart
so she knows how i'm built
so she can build me back up
thats how i dream her
i dream her screaming
my name over blues
our bodies pulsating at the frequency of distance
and time
neither are on our side most days
but today
we've got distance on time out and bodies that cant help but recoil into each other
so lets play memory blindfolded
with my hands tied behind my back
or we can play red rover slinging our skins into each other hoping to leave something behind and take something a long to remember
whisper sweet somethings into my chest
like my heart can hear you through the vibrations
hold me like i'm leaving
like you cant stand to let me go
but in the meantime
don't forget how to hold the pieces upright when i do
when distance is back on the horizon taunting our lips with promises that time holds above our heads like tomorrows
ill wait for you there
keep you eyes pacing the shoreline
so you can see me coming

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Day 272: a test

you have a way of making me lose track of time
like the sun and moon could melt into itself
and i wouldn't even notice the change in temperature
i am unsure of the safety in everything that pertains to you
but i know
that when we kissed for the first time my heart started racing like trained track stars
in circles
i am dizzy somedays
when i think about you
find myself upside down remembering your smell
the way you breathe heavy in bed before you sleep
how you nestle in my chest
you worry of the pain you might cause me, laying there, still
but all is beautiful here baby
there is no pain
call yourself bandage
cover my body with your hands
my lips with your kisses
there will be no pain
just healing
we can forgive each other's sins better than we could ever forgive our own
but maybe,
maybe the first step to letting go is holding each other up
maybe moving on is memorizing the braille in your moan
the texture in your breath
the taste of your sigh
maybe this was all just a test
that we finally passed

Monday, April 19, 2010

Day 271: potential

someone once told me that a butterfly could set a storm in motion
we are not as small as we've been convinced
we have a power too great for our own eyes
there is an energy that lies in our bones
we havent yet learned to harness
i wonder if we will ever understand our true potential.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Day 270: the way you breathe

The way u breathe
I am in awe
Folding my heart into diamonds to slip into your pockets
I Hide myself in your skin
The way you breathe
I find myself inside out sprawling my skin over the ocean
Contortionist blocked into salt
I am a broke tide without direction
Diamonds don't float
And no one remembers exactly how they felt
When u breathe I remeber what folding myself feels like
Wht loving someone more than u love yourself burns like
And how it all taste when it's through

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Day 269: shitty shitty shitty

sometimes i forget why i write
where these words come from
why i am standing here
sometimes i have a hard time remembering
simple things
the important things
that we are born with
like our umbilical chords
just because it falls off doesn't mean it never existed
doesnt meant we arent meant to remember how to feel ourselves
to be strong
we need memory to remind us
and it all begins with writing
finding the pen and paper
saving the time for your own heart to breathe
its not just your lungs that need oxygen.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Day 268:Happy belated Birthday Beautiful

i don't know what year she was born
there is no tomb stone to refer to
she is ocean
moving still
almost breathing
on the right days
you can see her in the white wash
yesterday was her birthday
and im sure
if i could have gotten myself to the ocean i would have felt her there
i greeted her in dream
trying to bring myself lucid
there are so many things i wish i ask
but some nights
or whoever is in charge at the time
makes things extra complicated
each time i see her i'm taking the back seat to my own vocal chords and body
just watching
and all i want to know
is her full birthday
but im too ashamed to admit that there are things about this woman
simply things
that i have forgotten
all i can remember is nov. 29, 1999
what a shame.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Day 267: tradition

the numbers are getting higher
like it means something to write
267 poems in a row
days pass like books
like these stories might only be words
but i know they are more
they are blood
and tears
the reason why my sister
who dances like tidal waves
bless her heart
will turn away from young dreams
because she feels right within the walls our these traditions
we can feel traditions
just as easily as we can taste these words
there is something real in 267 days
we wonder
how long forever will take
will there every be enough words
is a year real
if no one remember the words they held in their bones

who are we all writing for?
hopefully not just for the daze

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

DAy 266: something new

i have gotten used to being here
where no one can find me
between these wall
holds my skin
my body is beautiful
the way we were taught in youth
somedays i sleep through my dreams
there is no space here for imaginations

so i sleepwalk through college corridors
i pretend its warm enough to be home
no one will remember the pain here
we all have taught our selves to be forgotten
there are laws i've never learned
i dont want to be the bad one

i have gotten so used to being here
between these walls
hold my skin
where no one can find me
my body is beautiful
somedays i sleep through my dreams
there is no space here for imaginations
the way we are taught in youth
i am breaking from the inside out
my stories are trying to speak
but everything is melting into itself
including my words

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Day 265:Bones

Powder under skin
so much more fragile than you feel
they are surrounded
yet feel nothing
unless in pain
taste nothing but blood in their marrow
they are nothing but skeleton
we are all waiting to break here
watching the sun change
the moon rise
the rain fall
we live between these days
most day
i feel brittle too
like nickel
i hope to be more than this

Monday, April 12, 2010

Day 264: sinking

hitting still water can be like sinking into cement
falling out of love
is like
still water
it breaks you
then you suffocate
then you cant remember why you jumped in the first place
it stings like you are gonna drown forever
and everyone standing at the edge of the pool
just watching
its like jumping when you know you wont make the spin
but you're still going to take the leap
like being young is about heartbreak
like you wanted this all along
like you have no one to blame but yourself
cuz everyone knows she too beautiful to be the reason its all gone
its like
thinking that you've been walking forward for years and then being told otherwise
like when up feels like its wrong
and you cant bring yourself to turn anywhere but back
all you want is to go back but you cant
cuz nothing feels the same
and everything in the world has changed
and its all supposed to be right
but you know its wrong
cuz you are drowning
and you cant breathe
or sleep
and it reminds you of every time you used to sink
so you know its not right
if everything is wrong
then maybe thats how its supposed to be

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Day 263: mortality.

it doens't matter,

you cant take it with you.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Day 262: mothers

when there is no one left to blame
we blame our mothers
slice their wombs
call it collateral damage
call our mothers
in birthing
as if something so memorized could ever be anything less then miracle
we hold knowing in these bodies
Diasporic dances
and we hold these truths to be self evident
that anything we need will save us
anything worth saving
will survive
and we will continue to hold them here
even when we become the blamed
the mothers
when our mistakes become grandmother
and we become someone else's
for living
skin and bone
the remains
we are the ones who leave last from the table
we clean up the messes

Friday, April 9, 2010

Day 261: sleep debt

i havent had a dream in what seems like weeks
my nights are full of struggle to stay awake
struggle not to fall into darkness
i spend my day time batting my eyes at the horizon
fighting dumbbell eyelids
i am tired
in every way possible
my bones are brittle
my skin is scraping itself to breathe
the nights are taunting me for regret of not sleeping
and my poetry is obviously suffering
in the process

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Day 260: luggage

"You put so much stuff on yourself

Don’t you ever get tired of carrying"

my back is tired


we are dragging ourselves through this quicksand

praying to make it to tomorrow

we are carrying our history like scars

like luggage

she says im carrying to much around with me

but im just afraid of what i would look like naked

so i refuse to let go

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Day 259:

flouting above your memory
no one sleeps here
everyone is waiting
writing love poems to god on our wrists
we are loving ourselves from the inside out
sinking below our inhibitions
flouting above our memory

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Day 258: the woman

come to the temple
the sun is setting soon
there are still words written here in ink and blood
watch the freak dance by nightfall
sprawl her heart on your palm
call it prophecy
fall in love
call yourself beautiful in the reflection you find in her irises
make yourself feel better through witness testimate
they say
she wears brown people make up
dirt on her face
cheek shining that way
the way you look
come watch her dance for you
she will play your game
swallow every word you force her
she is just what you always wished for
come watch her die
she isnt good for much else anyways...


Monday, April 5, 2010

Day 257: Sun and Moon

she says
i don't write enough happy poems
worries that my insides are darker than this skin
these nights
i find myself re-sowing seeds of fear into heartbeat
trying to transcribe something more fitting to lull her to sleep
there is only blood and tears left at my feet
but i'm trying
beautiful, i promise
there's a silver lining coming in the distance
the horizon is starting to set itself on fire
and from here
it almost looks like a sunrise
some nights
i think we look like a sunrise too
and me

beautiful, we are like the solar system
keeping each other in orbit
the moon and the sun
learning to love the other in their absence
i've heard stories of the beauty of our kiss
turning day time
but during the darkness
im hoping you see
that the night of the horizon
doesn't reflect the core of the rising sun

all i'm trying to say is
there is a smile coming soon, beautiful
there are poems holding laughter
somewhere within me
just waiting to burst through my cement ribcage
so promise me
that you'll let the silver lining be enough until its time for apocalypse mornings
till the sun shines too bright that we cant do anything but wait for the moon to receive her
till its eclipse again
and we turn supernova within each other
just wait
just wait

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Day 256: 10 similes for the sun

The sunrise breaks too much like the ocean

The sunrise is a chronicle of our collective regret

It cuts itself, tattoos its yesterday to your tear ducts

The sunrise breaks like whitewash

The sky is a beautiful woman's canvas, she only shares with her child

We spend the morning watching her son grow, she raised him the way we all wished to be

Thrown to the stars, landing amongst the clouds, the sun rise is ungrateful

He’s waiting to be out of his mother’s shadow

The horizon is a father who’s not around enough

We are all just witnessing a family eclipse.

Watching the solar system collapse into itself

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Day 255: loneliness

The water moves like my memory of my grandmother

How I’m sure she used to dance

The air taste like her touch,


Black pepper broken tears

There is absence here

I’ve put myself in the distance

Where the ocean is the only thing that is still living




It is dark



And reminds me of nothing I want to be reminded of

I am tired

I am breaking

Crashing to whitewash

I am not remembering


She is not here

Nor will she ever be


Friday, April 2, 2010

Day 254: the ocean and you

im holding a secrets under my skin
like joy
waiting to explore into you
to become the ocean
of anything that powerful
i want to hold you from every angle at once
cover your body with this skin
these secrets
they make me explode some days
and then i think about water
how even when its beautiful and calm
it demands respect
and no mater how transparent
or blue
it holds its secrets
to keep itself aflOAT
maybe im entitled to the same

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Day 253: Daddy's Girl

it is cold
night has barely ended
im 6
i would guess the time but its irrelevant
when you cant see the sun yet
the moon still shines
its still darkness

this time is sacred
we do not speak english
we are cautious
still molding our tongues around words we have been taught to forget
we are learning our own language
forming a bond of linguistic cable that cannot be broken
is it a simple time
we are almost silent
weary not to wake the woman who sleeps at this hour
or the other children
my mother and simblings
never enjoyed saying goodbye to the moonlight

we do the only thing that we can that is still sacred in this house
we cook
or at least he does
and we eat
starting down each others brown skin
finding our pride and strength in the love that emanate there
its sunrise
and we
have greeted this time together for as long as i can remember
father and daughter
waiting for god to turn over
waiting for the world to be light again
and yet
we both know
that beyond these walls
at any hour
it is still