Day 149: For Kahu Doug

at 6

i would breathe god

paint his stories on my skin

they were my stories too

i was told

jesus

was my big brother

the kind that should not be forgotten

the kind that is always there even though he's gone

at 10

i held out my body like sacrifice to every cause my family found worthy

i lived to give myself

i wanted to be jesus

Messiah

to save the world from pain

i have learned that pain

is mostly caused by those who fight so hard to avoid or mask it

since then i have started living

at 13

i questioned

everything

i left jesus and his father on their pedestal

i was done with burning bushes

10 commandments

eternal love

i couldn't even love myself

how would i believe someone who had never met me did

i was convinced i knew everything

at 15

i watched a beautiful girl die

since then i cant think of a hospital or the color pink without remembering flat lines

and blond hair

at 17

i fell in love for the first time

and almost started believing that heaven was the kind of place i would end up in

then my heart was broken

i started wishing for hell

18

i fell in love again

held the kind of passion that is illegal in most states

most countries

at 19

i realized i had met the woman i wanted to marry

i had always known who i would want to hold the ceremony

one day after confessing all these things to the woman i trusted the most

telling her my dream wedding

location, guests, kahu

my mother called

said a few sentences about livers and pancreases and cancers

told me my savior was dying

ever since i was 9 i have understood mortality

that people you love leave and never come back

but kahu doug

you were never mortal to me

kahu,

i have owed you a poem for more than 3 years

and if you think about it,

i've been writing it for over 13

and yet when it matters

when the clock starts ticking loud enough for a 19 year old college student to cry

i cant think of a word to say

except,

when i pray

i think of you

for as long as i can remember

every prayer i have ever said has been addressed to you

you were the only man who helped me believe that there is something more in this life than my mistakes and misfortunes

there is beauty in the way we love and cry

and there is not a single fiber in my body that doesn't wholly believe that when you cross over

you will be in heaven

you will be watching

we again will be the ones blessed

for your hands will be upon us always

praying

singing

helping us find our way.