Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Day 149: For Kahu Doug

at 6
i would breathe god
paint his stories on my skin
they were my stories too
i was told
was my big brother
the kind that should not be forgotten
the kind that is always there even though he's gone
at 10
i held out my body like sacrifice to every cause my family found worthy
i lived to give myself
i wanted to be jesus
to save the world from pain
i have learned that pain
is mostly caused by those who fight so hard to avoid or mask it
since then i have started living
at 13
i questioned
i left jesus and his father on their pedestal
i was done with burning bushes
10 commandments
eternal love
i couldn't even love myself
how would i believe someone who had never met me did
i was convinced i knew everything

at 15
i watched a beautiful girl die
since then i cant think of a hospital or the color pink without remembering flat lines
and blond hair
at 17
i fell in love for the first time
and almost started believing that heaven was the kind of place i would end up in
then my heart was broken
i started wishing for hell
i fell in love again
held the kind of passion that is illegal in most states
most countries
at 19
i realized i had met the woman i wanted to marry
i had always known who i would want to hold the ceremony

one day after confessing all these things to the woman i trusted the most
telling her my dream wedding
location, guests, kahu
my mother called
said a few sentences about livers and pancreases and cancers
told me my savior was dying

ever since i was 9 i have understood mortality
that people you love leave and never come back
but kahu doug
you were never mortal to me

i have owed you a poem for more than 3 years
and if you think about it,
i've been writing it for over 13
and yet when it matters
when the clock starts ticking loud enough for a 19 year old college student to cry
i cant think of a word to say

when i pray
i think of you
for as long as i can remember
every prayer i have ever said has been addressed to you
you were the only man who helped me believe that there is something more in this life than my mistakes and misfortunes
there is beauty in the way we love and cry
and there is not a single fiber in my body that doesn't wholly believe that when you cross over
you will be in heaven
you will be watching
we again will be the ones blessed
for your hands will be upon us always
helping us find our way.

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