Sunday, August 29, 2010

a short hiatus

i will be taking a short break while in New zealand because of the difficulty getting online and because my heart hasn't been in this the last couple weeks. i promise when im back i will be more passionate than ever.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

407: slippin

your eyes tell me the sky should be falling
the darkness feels like a starless life
and we are broken moons
in mid orbit
remember our crescent love
it always stood out in the sky
we always stood on in the sky
in the universe
we are not broken
just absent

Monday, August 23, 2010

Day 406: black/white

Its Wednesday
The tar Mack is 2 days away
I can feel the rattling landing gear from my bunk bed
Where we sleep
There is silence in the time that flies between us
I can hear your heartbeat in my dreams
In your silence
Im waiting for tomorrow to stop coming so we can wait in that space between the days
Between the lines
We have stories we aren’t sure of just yet
Feelings that aren’t yet completely understood
So we paint each other grey in our sleep and dream of something more solid
Wishing to either wake up at the end or begging to be
Black or white
Our indecision makes us nauseous
Im spinning form the inside out
My butterflies are puking during our downtime
And im holding your hand in hopes that it will keep me upright
Im tired of falling alone
Or watching other fall without me
Im keeping your memory in my back pocket
Trying to keep you close to my body
Under the weight of my existence
Im carrying you to the bottom of the ocean with me
And we are waiting for clarity
But its been raining
Our homeland is eroding itself and its hard to tell which way is up
So we suffocate each other when we touch
But we love the feeling
So we are both drowning in each others affection
Forgetting to come up for air
Realizing the bottom looks perfect
Taste perfect
Feels perfect
tiIl its town from your feet and you are flying
the rumbling landing gear disturbs our sleep
the engines of our departures overpower our goodbyes
dreams are better off grounded than in the sky
night it meant for sleep
but its hard when you don’t have many left
so tomorrow
lets wake ourselves at dawn and live until the next sunrise in that moment
learn to hold each other from a distance
cradle our own voices and breathe
learn to find solace in the silence
the rattling static
learn to travel light and alone but with a purpose
so that when the ocean spits us up
and tired
we might finally have the strength
or conviction to forfeit our grey matter and
bring ourselves to live in black or white

Sunday, August 22, 2010

405: santra cuz

You want my skin?
Take it
My fingertips
You can have it all I don’t need it anymore
My heart?
Will I get something in return this time other than just orgasm
You broke me with your kiss
Made me think theres be more
You were more
That I’d see you tomorrow
But then night
I was
You were gone
we don’t share anything but one night
so we’ll just spit poetry pretenting that we are speaking to eachother
and you may not be speaking to be but im definitely talking to you
so listen
keep your land mine lips away from me
there are toxic here
breaking me from inside out
outside in
I let you touch me
Because you asked nicely and I thought I could handle the pain of severing bodies in the morning
I am not just a peace of hot skin to sleep besind during cold winter nights

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Day 404: in reverse

everything looks better in the rearview
your smile being the brightest of all things
the sunset
the end of something sweet
there is no bitter this way
its alomst like watching beginings instead of ends
no one seems to leave
everyone comes instead
its beautiful that way
and warming
you see
everything looks better in the rearview
cuz its all in reverse

Friday, August 20, 2010

Day 403:

there are so many walls between us
some mornings i wake so terrified of the climb i stay in bed instead of moving
i would pretend to breathe if i thought you'd believe me
but most times
i have to hide behind parts of my organs
the ones that are still whole
after your voice
after you love
after you left

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Day 402: idk

i tell you i dont know
only when i am too terrified of what i am sure of.

Day 401:skin

Do u remember the craters in my skin
Since you've left I've felt them shift
Everything about this body has changed
I was hoping you'd come back
Show me the lines I've forgotten
Take your time in redrawing them
Mark this body
Any way you'd like
Leave me something behind
Something to write about
Something to leave in this legacy
Other than skin and bones
Other than solid matter
Help reconstruct with some piece of perfection
The kind that's held in your breath
Pierced between your lips
The parts of u I will never forget to miss

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Day 400: sand

You say there are peacocks
But all I feel are tornados in these irises
And rain
There are storms
I am spinning into myself
And you,
You are nowhere to be found

Today I feel like wet sand
Like I'm almost heavy enough to be solid
Just fragile enough to slip through your grip.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Day 399: for clara

10 things that remind me of my grandmother

the ocean
how it always seems to come back
but never for long enough
that each wave
is just a reminder of her beauty and strength
and each riptide a remind of how fast everything can be gone
and how isnt it is to be lost

the frets of my fathers guitar
how they are bent
never replaced
the sound of the song rather bend themselves to new shapes
in old age
everything changes
why should we fight it by upgrading
i do not understand humanity most days

3. the broken ceiling fan
its basically a picture
a faded memory
something that doesnt work anymore
doesnt breathe
everything seems hotter and harder now

how they cannot be seen
but surely felt

5. every scar that i have managed to lose over time

the turn of the century
how being so close
make you feel so much further away from making it


every time i touch a kamaka ukulele and heard a a savage guarden song

9. spirits
late night movies
wet hair
cold volcanoes

the words i'll never learn to say
never fold around my tongue
the way an ilove feels when it isnt returned
broken pieces that you cant bring yourself to pick up

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Day 398: stars

In museums,
they put beautiful things in glass boxes;
in life, they put beautiful people thousands of miles apart.
We are victims of oceans,
and planes..
victims of the most alive things in this universe…
not much unlike the stars…
There are millions of miles of darkness between each star
and still they find a way to shine.
They find their way to each other.

I feel like the longest lasting shooting star.
That I’ve been trying for light-years to be closer to you.
im starting to wonder if stars can feel themselves burning out…
if it’s a rush until the end is near.

Because im burning,
hot and fast
and its invigorating,
and painful
and displacing
some days…

People are always afraid I’m going to burn out.
They don’t know that I already have.
They don’t know that I’ve been running on empty for years,
shooting myself to be a close to another star as possible so that I may be lit in their brilliance.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Day 397: deep blue

i've been looking for ways to write you back into my skin
not realizing how tough i've become
how resistant to love
we are falling into oceans
like solid matter
like cement
into darkness

Friday, August 13, 2010

396: Sent from my iPhone

I spent the better part of the morning looking for u between my sheets.
I could've swim that we were together last night,
u felt so close.
And I wanted you there.
Just skin,
heat and sweat.
The parts of u I cannot write In to my poetry.
The parts I haven't met.
Your lips.

Needless to say you were no where to be found
But my skins been shimmering lately.
A reminder of the beautiful parts of you that were launched Into my body during dream.
While u slept between my arms,
under my sheets.
Berthing only enough to remind me
that something so beautiful,
so spectacular is actually human.

I've Been
Waiting for the day to hold u again.
For another set of reminders of your stunning beauty.
Come back to me beautiful.
I miss u

Thursday, August 12, 2010

day 395: Man V. Machine

From the time I was born
I have understood man to have an inferiority complex to the machine
From terminator to irobot
Images flooding popular culture like riptides
It seems that mans greatest fear is its creation
In the power it may have to transform into something unexpected
Something that may speak for itself
So that we may one day become obsolete
Today, I understand the fear in creating- for what that creation may become
Or say
I’ve been trying to not write this poem for weeks
But somethings seem to wrestle their way through your veins
It feels like the stubborn tear that just wont fall
On a good day.
Today im writing my way back through my skin
That this colonial language may for once hold me up
But nothing
Not even a proper translation
Could lift the weight of these words from the page
Some things are just heavy that way

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Day 394: lioness

A scorpion, when surrounded by fire will sting itself to death.

Self sabotage is caused by fear.
I am the queen of such an existence.
a lions ferocity stems from your fear
I make the lioness roar.
I am the birth of the lioness' breath.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Day 393:10 things to TELL a stranger

10 things to tell a stranger

im proud of almost all of my scars
i've have spent the last 7 years convincing myself that the broken parts of me are more beautiful than the rest
because i needed a reason to still be alive
so to pass the time
i traced out every story that i was too afraid to tell
secretly wishing someone would take the time to read them
today, im a little more covered
a little more walled
a little more protected
i spend every morning trying to convince myself that my vulnerability is strength
and that if i really wanted to
i could run around this city naked
its most definitely a lie\

i write because i'm egotistical enough to think that wiping my tears on the page might help someone remember how to live

my parents hit me as a child
but only when i deserved it
and only hard enough to teach me a lesson
i've never once begrudged them for it
there were far worse things that have been done

im pretty sure i was sexually abused either as a child or in a past life
there are moments when i feel dirty in that way
like there is something foul caught under my skin
and im pretty sure i've never told anyone that until just now

i've never met a brazilian woman that i havent fallen in love with
i've only met one

i believe that my bones remember things i havent yet learned
that you dont need to do ANYthing to heal
just stay out of your own way
i've learned that kissing beautiful girls is fun
but sometimes can leave you cut up on the inside
leave a sour taste behind
there are times when i've wanted to regret that pain
i havent yet learned how to

my mother always wanted a girl.
she used to tell me thats why they stopped having children after me.
6 years after i was born my sister arrived
ever since, i havent felt like enough of a woman

i wear my hair up cuz its the most tangible feminine part of this body
i know its beautiful but i'm convinced i cannot live up to that beauty so i tie it away
i've found other ways to be attractive that involved covering as much of this body as possible
its all a costume anyway

i've never killed myself
but i've also never really tried to live either

i'm named after a song
its old and has character
my middle name means the chant sung to the heaven
i carry music somewhere in my blood
it makes me feel small
and powerful
and its the only think i remember from all my lives
when im sad i listen to song that make me sadder
when im happy i listen to songs that make me sad
i've convinced myself im not feeling unless im crying
i want to feel everything

sometimes, not even ten chances is enough to tell the truth

Monday, August 9, 2010

Day 392: you

There are bits of me that quake mid dream.
All places you haven't touched.
Breathed on.
They are absent.
Just proof our our distance.
I'm looking for u under my skin.
Trying to find something you've left behind to tide me over.
But there's nothing but whitewash here.
I am spun into your undertow and the tide only seems to recede from where I'm standing.
I'm looking for something to close the distance.
Clutching your words,
hiding your voice in my palms.
Taking every bit of u that I can get.
Cherishing every inch of u from the parts I've memorized
to the lines I've yet to taste.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Day 391: Snowglobe

she called me a bottled storm once
a snowglobe
shook me like childs play
she didnt think fiber glass crack could spread
my scars are feathering into webs
you can see them on all the surfaces
i used to be beautiful,
bottled this way
she just keeps shaking
theres a swell in my ocean of a heart
ive got my board under my feet
my ind on my dreams
along for the ride it seems
waiting for this plastic hurricane to settle

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Day 390: i have no idea

the days past like dimes
jingle like time doesnt really exist
like the earth rotates for the hell of it
kike we might have some control
its all so arbitrary
its all so above our bodies
so unconscious
im losing touch of your spirit
and sight of your bodie
i want to be in your skin
but the ocean isnt holding either of us properly
i dont think we could be more severed
and settled
its disgusting

Friday, August 6, 2010

DAy 389: i dont feel like letters today

i dont feel like letters today
barely feel like words
feel like lines
barely feel like breathing today
but im upright
watching the ocean recede
trying to keep my hear full
and tongue busy.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Day 388: letter writing challenge day 7 (an ex love)

let me start by saying i do not know how to begin this
much like i didnt know how to end us
and yet i did somehow
but who i am to say i really had much of a choice after it all was settled
at our ankles
i'd be lying if i said i didnt miss you sometimes
but i try not to
im in love with someone else but it doesnt mean that you wont ever sweep through me like you used to
i still feel your shivers from here some mornings
when its windy
i pretend its just the weather
we both know its something else entirely

i've made this new vow
im going to try and stop using the word broken in poetry
but for some reason
its the only word that comes to mind right now
severed seems to clean
shattered to dramatic
but broken fits
like these puzzle pieces used to before they were soaked in tears
water logged and bandaged
when we tried to be more than these bodies
we imploded and split like adom bombs
leaving only death in our wake
you see
broken fits here
what else would?
we dont
at least not know
nothings right side up
and we are doing are best to live in fragments
piecing our stories into backboards
rebounding in all sorts of directions

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Day 387: Letter writing challenge day 6 (stranger)

10 Questions for a stranger (inspired by Raina Sun)

what is you name
what i mean to say is
which gods to you carry in your bones
how many times have you felt them creep themselves on to your skin
do you ever feel like onlookers are touching them
instead of you
does that make you feel more or less significant?

name 6 friends
id like to see how closely we are connected
and you look like the kinda person who believe in the stars
believes in 6 degrees
believes in the off chance that you could name someone i know
today feels like the right place
the right time for an ordinary miracle to occur.

how many times have you cried?
are there certain scars that are deeper than others
would you ever show them to a stranger
tell the story

do you still have your appendix
and tonsils?
do you feel free if they are gone
or do you identify with the useless organs that could easily kill you
do you like the danger that brings into your life
if they are gone
have you missed them?
or do you feel like a finely tuned machine
clear of all unnecessary imperfection

when was the last time you sang
really really loud
the kind of notes that your neighbor is too burnt out to love
the kinds that keeps your breathing til morning
did it remind you of the first time you flew in those wings
is there a reason why you havent done it since
are you one of those people who have been convinced that the impossible exist?
that there is no room for imagination

if you could only pick one thing in the world
what does your mothers voice remind you of
does it swim or fly
is it something attached to this earth
or is she more godly or demon like
how many times have you wished for a different one
how many times have you regretted that number for being too high?

show me all your tattoos and draw me the ones that arent yet set in ink on your skin
what storys have you found important enough to be permanent
which ones are a little more temporary then you had hoped

what kind of world do you believe you were born into

what is your favorite body part?
which extremity holds you strongest?
how many times have you feared losing it
or taken it for granted
have you forgiven yourself for being so human in these ways

will you be so bold to ask these questions to the next deserving stranger you encounter
would you pay it forward
you see,
i'd like to think you could believe in god and 6 degrees and the universe being connected
that these questions just might be the answer to closing our distance
we are all so immensely seperated these days but we have the opportunity to be so much more
and you look like the kind person who could make an ordinary miracle

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Day 386: Letter writing Challenge: Day 5: your dreams

I wanted to apologize
For holding you in my back packet
As if that all I ever needed to do for you
For planting you under my soles
Forgetting your strength
But I have been afraid of you
Your power
And that maybe you might outshine my skin
How do we find balance

Monday, August 2, 2010

Day 385: letter challenge day4 (sibling)

have you ever felt the texture of your bellybutton wondering to whom you were once tied
wondered whether or not it hurt when you were finally umbilical free
do you remember when i would clean that crevice for you
i wanted you to be the prettiest baby in town
so i would wipe your lips clean after meals
i paid attention to the smallest details
hoping that someday you would too
only to find your own perfection
remember sister
before this world even began we were connected

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Day 384: Letter challenge Day 3 (parents)

do you remember my conception
the fire behind his eyes
do you remember what sheets you slept on that night
is it something you cherished
like a family heirloom
like something precious but inexpensive to buy
the kinds of things we dont have
the things that remind us we are missing and empty soulless beings
that need materials to remind ourselves that we are breathing

what was the weather like when i was born
you've never told me such things
was it raining in mid may
or what it sunny
were there rainbows or dew on the windows the morning we returned home
did i like your bed
or did i insist on sleeping on skin
did you love me as much as you thought you would
had i already learned to be a disappointment by then,
like all daughters do at some point
wea re born soo rebellious
too strong for our own skin
we were ready for that fire
did you wish for rain so that i might be weakened at least for a moment
or did you relish in the idea of my destruction
i wonder

did i cry hard searching for breath
something to inhale
did i look like i belonged
i have all these questions i will never ask you
they all seem to simple
and yet completely out of line
but i want to know
do you remember my birth
where my names came from
do you remember where you were the first time you heard my song
do you know then that your daughter would carry that name
did you think of its consequences
do you ponder them still

do you remember the first time i spoke
did it seem like i was ready to scream
could you tell that i had been trapped
did you try to let me free
can you tell know i am still fighting through this body
would you help me out if i asked
would you learn enough to know i would never dare
if theres only silence in this room
along with our lonely hearts
will we every move forward
will we ever be anything more