Tonight

 Tonight 

I speed agsianstthe backdrop of the Rocky mountains

My mind racing through the chronology of our pilina 

And her voice cuts through the stereo 

“It’s not simple to say”

And so simply and fully, 

i fall back into your memory 

And now 

I am not so much snow capped Rocky Mountain ridge lines

But New York cities lights and falling skies 

I am the woman weeping in your arms 

As she sings

“I still remember that girl”

I am that girl you called your love 

Over and over until i forgot my own name

And this is how most days go 

I TRY TO FILL THE SPACE

With things that will make me feel like home

But everything about me that i love still has your scent, your smile

Your kiss 

And some days i find the balance between lying and living in this new world 

where it seems maybe we never happened 

Maybe my memory 

Is just the story i wrote wishing you into my world 

And then of course, you text me 

As if to check 

If i am still here 

If i am remembering 

And of course, i am 

So i weep

Because even though it is you, reaching towards me

I am here and you are not and will not be

And again 

It’s just me alone with our memory 

And then i get caught 

In that dark spot called here and forgotten 

Called never happened

Called replaced

Called wondering what i was, if i am no longer

And now i am caught in the undertow of questioning every word you ever offered

While i watch you slide your smile across the skin of the sea to someone else 

My own heart breaking in your hands

On repeat 

And i am tempted to call it all a bad dream 

A fantasy 

A diversion in your real story 

And then she sings again

“She is gone but she used to be mine” 

And like that i know there was love 

Here 

I can still sense its taste 

On the back of my tongue 

Even if it isn’t here 

Anymore

I can still see the whole sky 

Light itself on fire 

From the reflection in your eyes

And so these days

I try to carve away all the excess

Everything that isn’t, wasn’t, and wont be love

Sometimes I get a little liberal with my own carving 

I Watch it 

Us 

Me 

melt away 

But I try not to rewrite the past 

In my insistence on watching it all in reverse 

Try to remember the night i held you

In our hotel room and you said you were ready

How i crumbled in your arms and you just held me

I try to hold the moment 

We woke to the sky falling outside of our window

All of New York City just putting on a show for your smile

Or every time we made love and our Kupuna sent showers to celebrate us

Or the Anuenue that stretched across Mauna lua bay above you

As we chased the sunset across the face of leahi 

I know there was love

Because i remember the salt of your skin on mine

When you asked me to take you home

One last time

So i hold the love

Like i used to hold you

I remember

I remmeber

I remember 

Alone in the dark 

With the stereo on loud

So scared of all this life inside of me

I Write the poem

Listen to the soundtrack of our past 

The Sara, maroon 5, the Jason mraz

Again and again 

Until i can almost hear your voice

Until its you sitting beside me in this car

Until you reach out to pull my hand into yours

Until you tell me again, how i need to believe that you will always come back 

To me

That I am worth remembering 

I break under the weight of those words

And yet, i keep holding 

Keep remembering our little piece of forever

Even if you choose not to