Day 502: To one night stands

You were the beautiful shadow that taught me love can saturate over night
Leave you thirsty by morning
Nothing quenches me quite like cuddling
But the sunrise finds its way through every windowpane eventually
Here comes the wind
The parts that make sure nothing settles properly

You are the memory of tears for women I do not know
Do not need to
Not this well
And the expectation for tomorrows
And next weeks
And picnics
And movies
Date nights

You taught me sex isn’t synonymous with love
But in this skin
That I wished it could be
Kissed like it should be
Like it was
The way I’d have to hold bits of your taste on the inside of my skin for months
Maybe years
I haven’t gotten that far yet

But its been forever and 2 women since
And your eyes still make me feel wasted
And inside out
And used
And dry
And not enough
And ugly
And all the nightmares I’ve had since February I’ve named after you and the dirty things you hid under the covers
And the beautiful words you wrote into index cards
And coffee shop napkins
And on my palm
There’s still a dent of the stories you traced with you fingertips

These are the stories that shouldn’t be told
You are the shadow that had to fade
But maybe shouldn’t have saturated on my skin
Sometimes
Saying no and going home is what’s right
Even in the dark of night
45 miles away from an empty bed
a crying heart
a stuffed dog that used to smell like a blue eyed beauty
and regrets that pile like papers
those are the times saying no is right
even if it means
tonight
I will cry alone
In an empty bed with white walls
Save for a board of pictures of what love once looked like
A stuffed bear that remind you that sometimes the smell made fade
But there’s still someone there under all the things that are easy to remember and forget
Waiting for you by the computer
Broken in the same
Not so easy to put back together
But far more fulfilling
Than waking up to someone you thought you knew
But is only a stranger