Monday, September 19, 2011

Day 790: what it means to leave

every year
leaving gets harder
maybe its the uneasiness of tomorrows
the fact that there are less to come than we can ever anticipate
growing older means
growing more comfortable with morality
or maybe its something else entirety

maybe its the scent of old tshirts being stored away again
wondering if they will be here when you return
or the look on your sisters faces
how one seems disappointed almost betrayed by your absence
the way you felt about your broterʻs
and the other
the other just wishes you would hold her more often
that you wouldve taken her to the movie like you promised
or that restaurant
or that park
how loving her
the way you do
means lying
and yelling
and pushing away
and yet
every time you leave
she hugs you like you couldnt be anything less than superman
how she forgives your every flaw and weakness in that moment
how you will spend you last night at home clinging to her
cuz she asks you if she can sleep in your bed
because somehow she knows
that tonight you feel empty
and you need someone to pretend that they need you so you can hold yourself up with their presence

maybe its the unbalanced luggage
how nothing seems to fit
you always have too much you arent willing to let go of yet
everything is heavy
and its hard to carry alone
but you fly coach
and the fairs are too steep to bring anyone else along for the ride
so you take this journey solitary

or maybe this time is special
maybe its the empty room thats waiting
without the girl
and the possibility of reuniting
the ability to be forgiven and forgive
maybe its the moving on
the practice of it all
how three years seems so long
until you think about the decades you promised to eachother
instead you just feel like a failure
maybe its that
there is no chance that you will run into her if you spend your afternoons drinking water at her favorite coffee shop
or visit friends in her building
maybe it is that this time you arent returning
you are just leaving

maybe its the stuffed dog that wont fit in any of your bags
from a girl whoʻs name that sometimes still gets stuck on your tongue
that carries the same name as someone you are trying not to think of
cuz theres another
one you love
whoʻs heart is folded neatly in your palm
and you are trying so hard to do right by her
and yourself
maybe you are wondering is he (the dog) should be left behind
but worry that you will fall apart without something to hold

maybe its the growing old
the uncertainty of it all
the fact that there are less tomorrows to come than we can ever anticipate
maybe its knowing what we do not know
and forgetting how to be blissful
in your ignorance

1 comment:

  1. Favorite line:
    "The fact that there are less tomorrows to come than we anticipate"