Thursday, September 29, 2011

DAy 800: What i didnt do this summer

there was no morning after
no stale taste to turn bitter on my tongue
that had already long faded
my body had forgotten your touch
your breath
the weight of your palms
resting on my back
there was only a phone call
10 digits to dial
a conversation
when i heard your voice drop
the way it had before
you did not love me

i ripped the posters from my walls
the reminders
the pictures and the smiles
bleached every sheet you ever slept on
trying to remove your scent
i fell in love with beautiful women
tied their smiles to my skin
promised myself
a smile was enough to take me into the morning
every morning
i played chicken with time
wagering my ability to sleep in this silence
hoping iʻd wake with some kind of humanity

i told my sister not to fall in love
wrote poems about moving on
wrote poems about loving other women
loved other women
kissed other women
when i missed you
i would call
other women

i went to my parents wedding
realized love could last
that since ours didnt
i wasnt enough
or i did something
so i drank my weight in mamosas
remembered to myself how the last time i had one
was when you broke my heart to bring in the new year
it tasted the same
like the rust was clearing from my chest
i didnt like the way its weight hovered over my tongue
so i puked on my church lawn
had to be carried home
wondered how many people were ashamed to know me
as the girl who couldn't keep you around

i did not stop writing poems
about you
i just stopped thinking they were worth
stopped thinking i was worth anything
so i let myself seep into the skin of beautiful women
i let you seep into the skin of unworthy men
but maybe they were worthy-er than i
i let myself believe it was for the best
maybe it was

No comments:

Post a Comment