Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Day 9: i wonder

my fingertips broke last night to the sound of crashing silence
my father let out five words like the plague:
you're mothers getting depressed again
and i wonder
what brought its timely arrival
my brother and i have just returned from college goodbyes
only to be greeted with panic attack surprise parties and apocalypse every midnight
sometimes i wonder if her heart is as stained as her voice
is she quick to aneurism
is it uncomfortable to speak of
should i just watch as if in a waiting room
but i cant
cuz something about her scream feels like childhood
like backyard swings and popsicles on saturday afternoons
something about it feels comfortable

am i being insensitive?
or selfish
is this too candid
should i be afraid
should i be crying
why am i not crying
my mothers falling back into a black hole and im not crying
im smiling
shes screaming and im still breathing
shes crying and im still poker faced and hearted
shes breaking again and

from a space far enough that i dont have to be scarred
am i being selfish?
am i being too candid?
would you rather i not speak of this?
is it bad i find this comfortable?
like childhood
should it feel less like a re-run?
do i have any control?
should i actually be looking for answers?
why do i feel like i rather be sleeping?
am i still her daughter?
is this was love feels like when its broken?
can love really be broken?
is god watching all of this?
is he laughing at the irony?
does he still thinks she's beautiful?

i wonder

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