Day 313:

i cant sleep in this darkness

it is too empty of being full

i can feel my roots ripping themselves from their seams

the silence feels like we're slinging pebbles into eachothers skins

i cant think

or breathe

anything without you

im so sorry

and i wish that meant something still

but we both know

everything gone stale

above all,

my heart

Day 312:so hard

what if i wanted to change my mind

what if i wanted it all back

is it too late

are we already gone

and lost

theres an empty feeling in the belly of my gut

theres nothing left there but bad choices

and regrets

im still trying to take everything back

and put it all where it belongs

Day 311: amber

i seem to have fit the ocean in my palm last night

the distance is closing

our skin seem to sing during twilight

and yet

i cant seem to write a stanza that fits the description

i've forgotten the taste of your breath on my neck

the tremble in your fingertips

but i remember the vibration of your voice

the temptation in your touch

these are the things that make me wish i could remember more

they keep me up at night

you keep me waiting for morning

in silence

Day 310:language

before our language was born

we spoke with the insides of our tongues

called our fingertips wizards and our hearts explosions

we watched them collide in the horizon

but we called it the ocean

cuz they were both blue on good days

and we were just taking cues from the guy next store

god

he had a way of playing with our explosions and the strings of our wizards

got us broken in and spun backwards

this is the way our language breaks

when we call our spinal chords microphone cables

and our tongues leeches

we get ties up in everything we stand for and speak on

its all just a big mess

Day 309:

i dont feel like i have anything left to write

like the words are just gone

been gone

left

Day 308: Trite

her lips were gray

and scabbed

torn at the edges

she doesn't remember how to breathe or speak

she in familiar to everyone

her body is public property

she is ripping from the inside

i wonder if she still breathes

if she stopped

would any of us even notice

Day 307: somedays the lines come from the night, and we dont deserve to know why

when the silence sets in

the blackness of sound it makes

paints itself over your limbs

we use that as glue

on good days

its almost enough

on bad days

its almost enough

we're in a constant state of almost

and no one knows but us

Day 306: five, four, three, two, one.

eighteen

seventeen

sixteen

fifteen

weʻve been counting down since the beginning

its kind of our thing

we place the pacific between our bodies

and we count the stars that separate us in days

weʻd count the moon

but we can only see one

and thats not enough syllables to keep our tongues busy in our loneliness

so in the meantime

we count up on our right hand to infinity

and down on our left

til the day weʻll see each other again

say its a fun game

so we dont have to cry

cuz then we would be sore losers

and no one wants to be a sore loser

i say fourteen

thirteen

twelve

eleven

and you, you are somewhere in the millions

somewhere high above our bodies

drifting through the atmosphere

you must of cheated

skipped a few thousands

but i dont say a thing

cuz i think you desire to win is adorable

and no one wants to be a tattle tale

we switch roles

and you take over my number

ten

nine

eight

seven

six

but im lost somewhere in space between one million and infinity

the emptiness seems too vast to document

i get frustrated sometimes with the numbers that separates us

and i cry

and you call me ridiculous

but you know its not because there are too many stars

its because theire arent enough

and not nearly enough are aligned tonight

otherwise weʻd be seeing the same constellations

but you can barely see the moon in this part of california

let alone orions belt

maybe thats the problem

i can love

what i dont see

but i cannot see what i know i love

----

i dont want to count anymore...

Day 305: her arms

shes gone again

or maybe its me

i cant really tell this time

maybe we're both gone

maybe we're somewhere in the atmosphere

away from this earth

away from our memories

but all i feel is lonely

and empty

and i wish she could come back and hold me

but there is something missing

there is too much space

an ocean more vast

than our hearts

and our love

its broken

right now

i cant feel you right now

i cant see you

right now

and im waiting

for the mountains to crumble into themselves

for the sea to turn stone

so i can walk the 2 thousand miles

until i am in

her

arms

again

Day 304: not scary, yet

i dont want you to go

stay in my skin

hold my intestines together

do something

before you leave

grant me a wish

or a kiss

hold my hands

hard

like we are children again

and we are scared of nothing and everything at the same time

everything but love

love isnt scary yet

remember

its still just sharing

and popsicles

and older sisters

love isnt scary yet

dont let it get sacry

just keep holding my hand

and let me kiss u in public

dont stutter away

because it shouldnt be sacry

love shouldnt be scary

not yet

Day 303:

you are sitting beside me

but still

you seem so far away

Day 302: how i feel about sexual orientation equality

there arent enough words in my fingertips to show you how much i love you

so i try to write it for you with other parts of my body

my hips

lips

tongue

we live in the kind of world

where we can speak with our bodies

but only behind closed doors

you and i

find ourselves screaming into these walls

and sheets

just trying to bring our hearts close enough to touch

to make the world

shut the fuck up

Day 301: getting used to it over it again

im am getting used to her sleeping here

breathing between my breast

he hand at my waist

i am finding my self accustomed to the sound of her chest rising

he awkward movements at midnight

the momentary discomfort

until she settles back between my ribcages

but i am still afraid of it all

she will be leaving soon

back on an airplane

acorss the ocean

when ill have to get used to a whole other kind of sleeping

lonely

Day 300: twenty

today i turned 20

but it might as well be a hundred

i felt heavy this morning

like my life was ending

im turning chapters

like children's book pages

and im missing yesterdays

and simplicity

and everything else that is easy

but i must still be pretty young

to think

that being 20

is the end of it all

Day 299: on the verge

im on the verge of so many things

today

its 10:18pm

in less than two hours

i say goodbye to my teens

the glory years

call me adult backwards

tomorrow morning it will be day 300 of this blog

or forcing words like salt through my skin

call it sweat induced tension

there is so much to fear

i am shivering in the thought of it all

so beautiful,

do me a favor

and hold me like ill fall apart if you let go

because

i fear

i

just

might

Day 298: for all the love, for which wasnt enough

soft skin

she stares

shaken stutter

surely suffer

she speaks

soft scream

soon safe

show perfection.

Day 297: When poetry isnt enough

i shiver

its colder here than it should be tonight

i am holding myself

thinking of you

imagining more than this space

it all seems soo small tonight

and yet every inch is so vast

there is nothing more i can write

so i am holding you in my memory

in the meantime...

Day 296: all the things i couldn't say then

i have a birthmark on the peak of my shoulder

i always wished you would notice it

give it more of your time

i wanted my imperfections to harness your attention

but they didnt

i had so many

i didnt know what to do with them

then

so i would fling them at the ceiling while you slept

some nights i would wake u up to them

im better now

i meant to say that earlier

i have less secrets and the ones i do will never get out

i promise

ive got stronger walls

better skin

still

i find myself defined by the imperfections

the birthmarks

beauty spots

when i think of them

i think of you

and how you didnt pay them much mind

you overlooked them all

for as long as i let you

and i didnt realize until just now

how that was the best thing you could do for me

but the worst for yourself

i guess what i mean to say is,

i love you

and thank you for calling me beautiful

when i was surely

nothing more

than

a monster

Day 295:a reminder

Charles bukowski said,

"as the poems go into the thousands you realize that you've created very little."

that "the best writers have said very little"

i realize today that theres nothing i have created that wasnt already there

my pain is not original

we share this

all of it..

so for the girl in the back of the classroom that cant believe anyone when they say shes beautiful remember that we are all a part of the same poem and without eachother

we say very little

that without a little faith,

we dont actually speak at all.

Day 294: apocalypse

***I'm trying to mess around with narrative/fiction poetry***

remember that day at the park

when you told me the sky was folding into itself slowly

that soon

the galaxy would hold onto the stars like pimples

and we would fall before we could watch the end

remember how we looked into the clouds

waiting for a sign

a crack

fire

sunrise

how i asked you to hold me and tell me a story

like it was bedtime

daddy,

do you remember that day

it was the last time i cried

because i thought i wasnt ever going to see you again

i cried again like that, today

reminded myself that every day is the end of the world

but we are all still looking into empty gods for signs

Day 293: time Vs. Distance

i remember trying to fit you in my pocket

like a keepsake

memory

something could take with me when u left

when i was leaving

but when i was gone

you were too and it wasnt fair to keep the phone lines clear

so we pretend not to know each other

even in our own faces

we have forgotten the taste of our lips

pressed together

like we are children against the glass

today

we still try to fit each-other into keepsake boxes

or at least i do

but our memories dont fit there

so i've got to constantly carry you on my skin

like something i can forget

its not a memory just yet

this is all still happening

the cracks are all fresh

the dew is still pressed against us

and only time can changed us like the distance did

my only wish is:

thats enough to make a differnce

Day 292: haiku

feel her on my skin

loving is never easy

waiting in the wings

Day 291:cop out

I WANT TO RENT A BODY FOR THE NEXT WEEK WHILE MY REAL ONE RECOVERS

Day 290: waiting for you

waiting for you

is like pulling each goose bump from my forearm

its painful and slow

it makes you want more

and you realize you are missing so much

your skin

breaking

in the meantime

you heart

tries to forget how to beat

to get your attention

and bring you back home

Day 289: time

you can taste the hills on the drive

we leave everything but our dreams behind us

comfort and bed

we follow the bends on the 5

hoping to be taken somewhere real today

we pack up our bodies

our covers

leave our hearts at our sleeves

and wish for the best

we find nothing but questions in the meantime

the only road we have is here

the choice is already made

we've got nothing

but

time

Day 288: before im gone

you've got to know that i loved you

before im gone

remember the songs we sang late at night a cappella

air guitar

you in my free arm

you need to know i held you there

into the darkness

even when it was scary

i put you away in my skin

you kept us both warm that way

by just being there

there are so many things i didnt say enough

like im sorry

beautiful, im sorry

im happier now,

happier than yesterday at least

happy with someone else

never thought i could be

but you need to know

before im gone

while we are both still here

that itll never replace the 365 days we had

even the bad ones

moving on doesnt mean that has to go too

it can still sit in its happy place in the past

where everything looks perfect from this side

you should know, i love her

the new girl

she doesnt hold me like you did

but she makes me feel safe and happy

im a better person when im with her

it feels right

its better off that way anyhow

you are far enough from my hands

nothing has to shatter anymore

Day 287: museums

Museums

We take shots like pinky promises to late night pledges

Sleep on unscented pillows

Pretending loneliness is the same thing as being cold

so we don’t have to feel like we are missing anything but covers and

walls

when in reality

we’ve got enough of them both and not enough of each other

Do we only want what we cant have to spite god when we get it

There are still kisses on my lips

Too stubborn to go stale of fade

I can taste yours there

Like we lasted longer than an evening of dreams

Lately

We pull strings

Like and over extended musicians one night stand

Playing music with our emotions

Sometimes I sing flat

And you’ve been listening anyways

My heart is stretched between beaches

in museums

we put beautiful things in glass boxes... in life we put beautiful people thousands of miles apart

and we’ve victims of distance

slow dancing in a collapsing warehouse

on fire

but im all about loves destruction

so break the fences between us

unlock your heart from whatever it is in your soul that makes you scared to touch someone without your hands

and let me hold me like rainfall

like we’re freezing but we cant tell the difference so we say we’re lonely

meet me under the bleachers and we can just talk for hours

if you hold my hand

you might feel my heart beating

beautiful,

ignore the organ on my sleeve

just follow the one in your chest

-

We take shots like pinky promises to late night pledges

we find pleasure in being tongue tied with hearts open

We promise not to forget

Not to fall in love

Not to get too close

Beautiful,

Something has got to give.

Day 286: Phoenixing melodies.

Her name was Heolimeleikalani

The chant sung to the heavens

Her father once told her she was born to sing

Imagined red like the screeching burst of exploding sunsets

Created

To flatten sharp melodies

Making notes flow off tongues

Painting the world to taste so beautiful

It would burn taste buts of ear-drums

And would feel like candy

She was born to compose happiness

By pheonixing strings into pullaways

Lioness guitars into cars to carry loneliness and other sour emotions away

But she was never taught how to survive

So when arthritis tried to snake the hiss of harmonics

Painted by her calloused fingertips

She cried

Once looked for love and tasting perfection only is the space between the first, third and fifth

But today she has looked beyond the treble clef

And its left her breathless

And since

Chords now only phoenix into echoing ashed silence and dissipate

They don't paint

Tigerd hands

Have be Found tired from the weight of histories too sharp to taste or sing

And then it seemed the keys slithered into snakes

Tuners and capos

No longer spider webbed plucked harmonics

She is lonely

Because since love died

She was left without music

Its beauty tricked her to believe

That strings could resonate hearts forever

Elephant memories

Made her believe music still howled within her

But the color of a perfect major

Hasn't shined in years

And she misses the taste of a perfectly kissed frequency

She's survived the death of 3am cutaway melodies

But barely

You see without the chords music makes to sew hearts and souls

Heoli is breaking

She survived arthritis long enough to still allow songs to parakeet through hollow pens

But barely

Shes survived loneliness

Penguin-ning lovers

But barely

And she has only been left with the memories of what reality could be

But wont be

She still breathes and dreams

But something is missing

home

The space between two perfectly played songs

Placed on the street between the slap of bass strings

That can Diminish minor chords

Just by a misplaced thumb

home

Where the air that the final resolving note rests on

lets you know the song is done

She is the final note

But she’s lost her song

She misses home

misses her song

Please

i've been missing home

so just teach me at what frequency I have to kiss

to find my way back to scores and clefs that still resonate like music never left

teach my insomnia to sing be back to sleep

please just

Take me Home

To the origin of my song

Where all notes start

and breaths rest to let words part from lips

Because I miss the girl I was

when I was housed safely

in music

Day 285: loyalty

some mornings i wake feeling my body betray me

that my bones only ache because they are cowardly

it is those morning why i wonder why my heart is still beating

god knows, even you

that my heart is as weak as these crumbling joints

and yet

every morning i wake to this stumble

my heart still keeps my rhythm

beating

maybe just to show me a small taste of loyalty

in hopes that someday

the rest of my body will follow

or that ill at least try to be the same

Day 284: truth

There are still things i havent told you

im too cowardly that way

i wasnt sure when the secrets would stop getting between us

so i got rid of you instead of them

held myself through the shattered pieces

secrets

late nights

the times i didn't call or write

there are stories there i have tried hard to forget

unluckily i remember

the stories are tattooed somewhere sacred and hidden

they are permanent

pregnant

give birth every time i give them enough attention to surface

these are the ingredients i need to hate myself

not that you still need any reason

if its any consolation,

im sorry for the way my deterioration cracked you

and in case you were still wondering, the love

that wasnt a lie

it was the truest thing i knew

Day 283: memory

there are tears on the inside of my skin above my chest

the only scars i have left are under wraps

my pain is better left in the darkness

there is sun now

most days

i can convince myself to forget

the night can embrace you like that

but so can the sun

if you remember to love it

remember to hold it upright

that the tears

the tears were all worth it

cuz there were smiles too

you just cant see them anymore

those kinds of things dont attach themselves to your DNA and wait for darkness to sting

they shock you constantly

a freequent reminder of what used to be

thats how the darkness works

its only because it is the absence of something better

that it grabs at your spinal chord

a reminder

memory is your worst nightmare