Name freewrite

At my first school we showcased Hawaiian names like tan lines

Maps compiled to show where we have been

And where we are going

A process of decolonization

We thought

We hid our americaness

Those of us who weren’t “pure”

Begged the teacher not to divulge our scars to the classroom

I told everyone

My name is Heolimeleikalani

My father, a musician

Named me after the instinct to become song

To be sent heavily in voice

When my classmates discovered my given name was Jamaica

My brownness turned a set of shades lighter

No longer Hawaiian, I thought

Everyone would always notice

The English I carried in the corner of my birth certificate

I wanted to crape the consonants of my skin like a disease

I beat up boys older than me for uttering the syllable in public

In highschool I learned to love my name

It brought me song

“Jamaica Jamaica” sung from the corners of a kapālama hallway

it was as if my two names would be linked in the instinct to sing

I should mention

Jamaica, the name, also comes from song

It’s a song about this guy meeting a girl name Jamaica and playing her.

Really romatic.

Thanks dad.

In any case,

I have learned to approach names differently these days

There is still a part of me scared by the absence of being given my family name

Kamakawiwoʻole o Kamehameha

The unwavering eyes of Kamehameha

But I have started to realize that

My name

Doesn’t make me any more or less Kanaka

Just like my tan

Both temporary

Physical reminders for others

The real issues

Is to convince yourself of who you are

And be so

unapologetically