Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Day 252: For Clara

i could taste the dirt on my tongue
the way the air thickened as we neared it
i didnt quite understand why we were driving there
but we did anyways
she would tell me
the big island is much different than honolulu
especially up here
i still didnt get it
that there were sacrifices that these people were more than willing to make
like simply driving to the dumb with your trash on your own

there were bigger things too
things she never had time to teach me
they were beautiful things
the laws i would need to know in order to grow beautiful like she was
i didnt know yet to listen hard
i didnt understand
not yet
that cancer
the threat of death would take her forever and i would just be left with questions

its been over 10 years since
and i still think about her every time i slow down enough to hear my own breath
i remember her touch
how her wrinkled hands felt against my face
she was so beautiful
i used to look like her
short curly hair
i've changed a lot since then
i look a lot more like my father
who looks like his
i am most easily compared to powerful men
i wonder what she would make of me now
this lost queer woman
barely christian
i am so much less of a person then i was when she left
and i know she loved everyone
but pride
pride does not stem from love
pride is different
its born from a different vein
lives in a different space
if i told her the only thing that ever broke me as much as her departure was another woman
i wonder what she would say
if she would push my bangs past my ear
place her thumb to my chin
would she kiss me
say its alright, beautiful
i'm here
it's alright...

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