Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Day 372:holding and letting go

When I was born my mother taught me to hold everything I touch
so that everything I encountered might serve to hold me up.
From my first blanket to my last boyfriend-
I can still feel them swimming through me.

Growing up changed things.
Loving and leaving hurts.
To be left breaks
so In the last 5 years
I've struggled with the act of letting go.
And leaving behind.

But there's this residue.
It's stuck at the roof of my mouth.
A constant reminder that live is more beautiful somewhere else.
I want to share those secrets with u,
the things I hvent yet shifted through
the hearts I'm still holding there.
I want to show u the space that I'll hold the parts of u that I've kept still.
There are parts of me that i want u to keep too.
Like My voice.
the way it cracks in your air.
my skin.
how it's coldness is only there to remind us both how warm your presence makes me.

So Lace me into you vertebrae
because The marrows i said I didn't have are weeping in your distance.
The only comfort I have left here is in reunion.
In the reminder of two severed souls' fusion.

This morning
I was hoping that you would either stay
or your skin might fully slip through my grip.
Not to forget but instead not to feel or remember in the form of empty space.
Of distance.
My selfishness wants the residue gone
but my heart and soul They want u and your stickiness,
your baggaged stubbornness.
You me and a room full of space and blankness.
A suicide in itself.
The desire to hold u enough in this moment
that I don't need to take u with me.
You belong in tht energy.
And someday I'll trust my heart enough
to scrape the ink clean
and have faith in a return to that atmosphere.

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