When I was 13 I wrote my frist suicide note in iambic pentameter
As if a couplet made death any less final
Like I could be a story someone would read in a freshman English class
I wanted to leave myself to be dissected
I wanted to be the poem that changed someones life
That convinced someone to live
Since then,
I’ve learned to keep my sob stories secret
Like a dirty disease
Hide my tears under my sleeves
I have forgotten the bravery it took to break myself for progress
There are mornings that I wake wishing I had something worth dying for
Because loneliness is not nearly significant enough to be justification
Some people say, before you are born, before you are even conceived, there is just darkness. and then--when you are conceived….you know, when your mom and dad have sex or make love… whatever you want to call it-- there is this light and you just chase it for nine months until you are born. Just think about it, the world is full of babies just chasing lights. Funny thing is, I remember a lot more light before than after my conception and then there was still “chasing” it was just that my mom was doing that part for me.
I’d like to think my parents made love, but truth is, they probably didn’t even have sex, they probably fucked. The way I see it, is you have to be in love and sober to make love and im not sure my parents were ever either of those tings.
I can’t remember the last time I spoke fluently
In anything
The last time I had something to say
And I could say it without thinking
I would call it poetry
But no rhyme scheme or rthythm
Could do those words justice
No pun could sum up all the kaona locked in it
Fluency used to be an excuse
For my lack of English comprehension but today
I can’t say a single word without throwing the other language away
And I’m town between two worn dictionaries
That I’ve worn on my sleeves
For years
And I’ve been caught between two restrictive nets
And I’m tired of swimming
Like a mindless guppy swimming in circles
Like the earths awkward revolution around the sun
Around someone’s def of reason
But I’ve been blinded
By the salt water treason
And I cant see the reason
I stopped thinking about my history
Stopped revolving daily activities
I’ve used the excuse that I’m running out of time and I’m too busy
But in running out of time for my culture I ran out of time to be me
In fighting to be free
I’ve tangled myself in unbreakable
Hala bounds around my knees
And im fighting against a bible and dictionary
And im loosing
Whoever thought you could lose your life savings to a book
But when your life savings are values
And a book was made to bind you
You have no choice
We were built to lose
Nothing left to do but loose and its true.
Im sitting here
Imagining wehre you are tonight
Its all so unclear
The distance is growing and im losing my head
Where do we go
As far as I see there only space in sight
Im losing control
You promised forever
So baby where did you go?
Im tired of singing these love songs alone
Theres this space that you left its dark and cold
You promise forever
So please don’t forget
These agirl in the wings and shes waiting
Shes waiting
Im so tired
Tucking my self into dream that are too far to touch
Im still holding on
To pictures and memories and everytning betgween
How do you sleep
I’ve been tossing and turning hoping ita all a bad dream
Im losing myself
You promised forever
So baby where di you go
Shes got a halo in her pocket
A smile in her hand
Values that don’t seem to fit in
She just don’t understand That some
Girl are born to early
To cute, or radical
Wear there promise on sleeves
Fighting for control and so shes
singing for tomorrow
Dear, don’t forgfet today
There is a war in the sunrise
That’s what ive been trying to say you see im
Trying to leave her speechless
but all shell do is resist
so I lay down all my secrets
she more than worth it you see we’re
trying
nit to fal more in love and were
failing
every morning we get up just a
few days ago
she packed her bags in left
with her head up in the clouds
said theres gotta be more than this wont you
wait for me while I dream
I gotta come down for air
and when I do I hope you’ll be waiting there
and we’re both tring
to pretend no one broken yet
but we’re failing
we fall each chance we get
lets take a fast forward
that’s all I used to say
in the end it will be alright
but this sure does suck today
pretty girl wont you take my hand
we can leap from cloud to cloud
dreams don’t always have to take you away
sometimes they bring you back
and we’re just trying
not to loose control
but we’re failing
doing anything for love
It is said before the pink ladies
Lived the gang of women dressed in white wedding dresses
Holding their virginity in their pockets
Wrapped and sealed for any gentleman patient enough to wait for 4th base
The stories they told there children only spoke of chariots and glass slippers
But today sandy turns her gown pink in dreams to be anything less than white
We dip our dresses in blood trying to be anything but sterile by matrimony
You see
There are more stories hidden in the space between the start and end of her skirt than on that gown
How growing up get a little more interesting with each generation
And a little more accepted
A little more forgotten
We’ve found a way to fly through puberty as if it wasn’t a phase worth residing in
Like sex is the next step to middle school graduation
Nothing is forever except first times and the mess it leaves behind
Vanessa remember being white
Before watching to be pink
She holds purity in her bones
And yet at 16
vanessa reminisces on snap shot pictures in memory lining
trying to find an image that doesn't break ribcage when held to chest
did she realisize how fleeting friendship could be
that the innocence she held in her bones
is only held in the similar blood stream of peers still sleeping in white houses
of daughters still counting sheep
today jenny started counting dicks instead
counting down seconds
counting mistakes
there are skeletons that dont fit in our white closest
in our suburban cultasacks
cannot be held between the spaces of our picket fences
we have forgotten to outline our own skin
so we place ourselves on the streets of our own misplaced attention
learn to apply thick enough lipgloss to mass the taste of blowjobs
forget gangs in pink
our daughter are turning red with the years
pant blood are their badge
learning to count days backwards to purity like it was something that made us who we were
how have we forgotten how to hold on to what makes us beautiful
She was the youngest of crack babies to a mother of three; the brightest of all the girls in her school, but no one knew it. Not even she could tell you that, especially after that night. She had humble beginnings and never learned how to accept a compliment. While growing up people would call her beautiful people would look up to her but she would never believe it, how could she?
How could anyone look up to someone so miserable? So ugly? So confused? And that night these questions had to be answered. Minutes before her last breath, she would relive every moment and re-walk every step. She would die that night at her own hand, she would go out on her terms for once in her life she would be in control of her destiny.
No one would remember to look for her after that night, but no one who ever crossed her path would ever forget those eyes even if they never really had a name. Those piecing eyes, from which oceans of tears flowed, no one ever saw them but if you had a heart you could feel them. No one could forget those eyes, especially me no matter how hard I’ve tried.
Its been 12 years and I’m still in love with that girl, since I was a boy I loved her but she never saw me, just like she never let me see her tears. She hid from life and I can’t imagine why someone so beautiful would keep her brilliance from a world that needed it so much. The world could have used a little more affection, and I believe if she let her self she just could have been that to the world, love.
“aubs!” Kris woke me from my day dream. Apparently I had been staring into my palms for the last 10 minutes. To me, silence is the closest way to taking back something you’ve already said. I know that sounds stupid but really there was nothing more to say. I looked up into Kris’ eyes and saw something I’d never seen before. A single tear fell from her eye and in that moment it felt as if we had locked into each others souls, that there was nothing left that either of us could say, everything that ever needed to be said had just been said, it was done.
I was still locked into that moment when I realized that kris’ had moved. She learned her torso over the center consol of her car as if to give me one of those awkward goodbye hugs but instead she placed her right hand on my cheek and neck. I froze, I didn’t know what to say or what to do so I just stayed there petrified. She leaned in closer to me, I could feel her breathe upon my lips, I knew she was waiting for me to close the distance between our bodies but I couldn’t move. And before I could pull away or push on our lips were locked. Her hand rested on the back of my neck, what usually felt controlling and conforming felt comforting and sexy. And then as quickly as it began it was over. I don’t remember exiting the car or even walking from the garage to my front door and yet I was sitting on the foot of my bed, kris’s car was gone and I was more confused than ever.
