Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Day 393:10 things to TELL a stranger

10 things to tell a stranger

im proud of almost all of my scars
i've have spent the last 7 years convincing myself that the broken parts of me are more beautiful than the rest
because i needed a reason to still be alive
so to pass the time
i traced out every story that i was too afraid to tell
secretly wishing someone would take the time to read them
today, im a little more covered
a little more walled
a little more protected
i spend every morning trying to convince myself that my vulnerability is strength
and that if i really wanted to
i could run around this city naked
its most definitely a lie\

i write because i'm egotistical enough to think that wiping my tears on the page might help someone remember how to live

my parents hit me as a child
but only when i deserved it
and only hard enough to teach me a lesson
i've never once begrudged them for it
there were far worse things that have been done

im pretty sure i was sexually abused either as a child or in a past life
there are moments when i feel dirty in that way
like there is something foul caught under my skin
and im pretty sure i've never told anyone that until just now

i've never met a brazilian woman that i havent fallen in love with
i've only met one

i believe that my bones remember things i havent yet learned
that you dont need to do ANYthing to heal
just stay out of your own way
i've learned that kissing beautiful girls is fun
but sometimes can leave you cut up on the inside
leave a sour taste behind
there are times when i've wanted to regret that pain
i havent yet learned how to

my mother always wanted a girl.
she used to tell me thats why they stopped having children after me.
6 years after i was born my sister arrived
ever since, i havent felt like enough of a woman

i wear my hair up cuz its the most tangible feminine part of this body
i know its beautiful but i'm convinced i cannot live up to that beauty so i tie it away
i've found other ways to be attractive that involved covering as much of this body as possible
its all a costume anyway

i've never killed myself
but i've also never really tried to live either

i'm named after a song
its old and has character
my middle name means the chant sung to the heaven
i carry music somewhere in my blood
it makes me feel small
and powerful
and its the only think i remember from all my lives
when im sad i listen to song that make me sadder
when im happy i listen to songs that make me sad
i've convinced myself im not feeling unless im crying
i want to feel everything

sometimes, not even ten chances is enough to tell the truth

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