Day 164: blue

in the end of 2008

i learn how to get over my first heartbreak

i sulked the first month of 2009 thinking love was beyond my reach

February taught me blue wasnt just a shade of loneliness

more like the scent of forever facing you

she was my February candy

by june

toothache

sometimes if something

or someone finds its way inside enough

no matter how string the love is

it starts to hurt

NOvember

we were sweet again

candies lips

december broken waiting for march

we will miss our new year together

i am waiting for candy

but commitment isnt always smooth

easy

sometimes

its sour

leaving after taste

its always leaving something at least

at least she is not to selfish just to take

i can not wait to see what the other end of forever looks like

DAy 163: static

i feel like i'm loosing you more and more each day to the distance

only the silence between us seems to resonate

i cannot feel what fits in that space

we are just whitewash

waiting for something louder than white noise to wake up from our nightmares

we are silenced in the deep of the blue

holding onto our anchors that we created together

know single knee dead hearts

trying to remember what it felt like when we were side by side

the ocean is moving me further

as you drift towards your adventure

im still waiting for something more than the static to sing back to me

day 162: ocean

i cannot seem to tie my words to my strings

melodies defeat me

i am no musician anymore

just a poet with a shiny guitar

and a girl who my words dont fit around beautifully enough

i rather not disgrace her

tonight

ill dream silently

without her beside me

just a heart full of distance

waiting for the ocean to shrink

Day 161: voice

lately i sing myself to sleep

drink your memories like tears

i used to sleep to the rhythm of your heart beat

but from here

i cannot even hear your voice anymore

just try to turn your scent into kisses

on my skin

i hold the space next to me like lifeline wishing

for heartstrings to be able to pull cross continents and countries

cross language barriers

in ever language a tear is one begging to be held

so tonight

im drowning in myself

begging for more of you

wishing that my skin could hold your voice

Day 160: when

hearts dont break evenly

they melt

molasses in palms

we are that butter melting

broken

tearing at seems that dont exist

it seems there is something more than sugar and milk

we are substance

Day 159: what we say

what we say when we arent together to ease the nerves

love is enough when its strong

what we say in our minds when we are lonely

love is enough when its strong

the only thing im sure i know

our love is strong

we are enough

we are more than enough

day 158: Christmas

i am woken up to the sound of coffee grinding

this is typical for 845 in my home

there are people drugging themselves awake into happiness

its christmas

and i still have sisters who believe in its magic

me

i have too much resentment dug under my skin

santa claus doesnt have the tools to give me what i want

there is nothing more to enjoy about this holiday except the way it brings people together

but not even santa claus or jesus and move boston closer to this shore

my wish this year

was to be able to hold her through the night christmas eve

its unfortunate she is not here she holds my christmas cheer

and i miss her

Day 157: Lightbuld

lightbulb is a stupid word

i asked my sister for a work to start a poem with

but lightbulb is stupid

my christmas tree has many little light bulbs around it

im allergic to that stupid tree

and its stupid lights and christmas

and im grouchy

and i feel bad

cuz theres a beautiful girl in boston

waiting for a smile to sail from these islands

hold her like sunshine

and i know im that sunshine

always

and forever

day 156: untitled

there are no tears in his eye when he cries

only diamonds

his skin is yellow

we watch him

eyes closed

smiling

broken

we sing as if we hold healing in our voices

but we all know

no one is healing here

we are all just breaking backwards

pretending its growth

like we are learning

i am not learning anything but not to trust any breathe to last long enough to say something worth listening to

i am not growing

i am just falling backwards back into heaven

he is to

but neither are welcome

it is far too soon

for death

he see her waiting

gets excited

i am far too selfish for wanting to keep him close

here

for just a moment

there is nothing more to say

in the meantime we pretending this isnt goodbye

that i'll see you in 50 some odd years

but who knows how long heaven holds you

before you are sent backwards

backwards

backwards

where we wont be anymore

Day 155: Make me a TV Screen

there are things that touch us

no matter how fabricated

created

Art imitates us

and yet we cry at its knowing trying to be art

to be beautiful

spralw me over your flat screen

watch me bleed

i wanna be like those faces tears fallings

smiles so big mouths look broken

make me like those stars half shot on stage

i wanna be that sparkle

that story

saving lives

like melodies

i wanna be that note

that ends each song

the syllable held at the end of her tongue

DAy 154: One

sometimes when i dream her eyes transform to orange

like sunsets

the kind thats shattered

she is only one

but sometimes i feel her a million times over my skin

in my mind

she is only one

but some nights

i hold enough thoughts to be confused of how many skins she fills

shes is all over me

6 thousand miles away

she is not JUSt one

she is THE one

day 153: California

california used to wreak with the stench of ripping roots

torn seems

but my skin

is bleaching nicely to the sounds of san Francisco's sky line

my roots have found there way to the heart of a moving ship

she is a sailing heart

i am barely her sail

waiting for the winds to blow us in the right direction

the storms been brewing

we can see in it the horizon

where the ocean meets our sky

these lines are broken

but our hearts

still tangled

roots

still tracing

we are still holding

california is our only connection

so we hold on like we are sailing

she is my life line

we are just wandering

no compass

just heading towards that horizon

where it wreaks like california

like new beginnings

just past the storm

baby, keep holding on

Day 152: Reach

Reach

she's got a feather for a heart beat

i've got arms that dont stretch as long as i wish they would

she dreams of morning where she doesn't have to reach father than the other end of the bed for her love

im wishing for the same

but all we do lately is dream

dream

wait

wait

we are in the wings

tapping our toes to the world soundtrack beat

we are victims of distance

one hand full of hearts

the other searching for our own

playing cards

trading suits for seconds

trading stories for memories

waiting for forever to happen already

so we are no longer reaching

we are just living

Day 151: Fail

Fail

Clean cut crevice broken

we shatter in breathing somedays

wake up

heatless

above the whether under our armpits

we hide our failures

like lies we couldnt keep

and truths we never found our ways out of

mask the maze in our eyes

trying to find a way out

to our surprise

we still sleep soundly

still dream of the same fairy tales

and still wake up short of breath

are we dreaming still

am i breathing still

is there something left to be done

if we've already failed.

Day 150: Worth

my joints are made of glass

matted fibers

fragile breaking under the pressure

all good coaches will tell you to run through the pain

its all in your head

its your lack of stamina building bricks

keep running

keep running

til you cant no more

just keep moving til you cant no more

it will be worth it

even if you are wheel chaired by 30

it will be worth it

for a flat stomach and tone legs

it will be worth it

for the love of the game

it will be worth it

so they tell me

Day 149: For Kahu Doug

at 6

i would breathe god

paint his stories on my skin

they were my stories too

i was told

jesus

was my big brother

the kind that should not be forgotten

the kind that is always there even though he's gone

at 10

i held out my body like sacrifice to every cause my family found worthy

i lived to give myself

i wanted to be jesus

Messiah

to save the world from pain

i have learned that pain

is mostly caused by those who fight so hard to avoid or mask it

since then i have started living

at 13

i questioned

everything

i left jesus and his father on their pedestal

i was done with burning bushes

10 commandments

eternal love

i couldn't even love myself

how would i believe someone who had never met me did

i was convinced i knew everything

at 15

i watched a beautiful girl die

since then i cant think of a hospital or the color pink without remembering flat lines

and blond hair

at 17

i fell in love for the first time

and almost started believing that heaven was the kind of place i would end up in

then my heart was broken

i started wishing for hell

18

i fell in love again

held the kind of passion that is illegal in most states

most countries

at 19

i realized i had met the woman i wanted to marry

i had always known who i would want to hold the ceremony

one day after confessing all these things to the woman i trusted the most

telling her my dream wedding

location, guests, kahu

my mother called

said a few sentences about livers and pancreases and cancers

told me my savior was dying

ever since i was 9 i have understood mortality

that people you love leave and never come back

but kahu doug

you were never mortal to me

kahu,

i have owed you a poem for more than 3 years

and if you think about it,

i've been writing it for over 13

and yet when it matters

when the clock starts ticking loud enough for a 19 year old college student to cry

i cant think of a word to say

except,

when i pray

i think of you

for as long as i can remember

every prayer i have ever said has been addressed to you

you were the only man who helped me believe that there is something more in this life than my mistakes and misfortunes

there is beauty in the way we love and cry

and there is not a single fiber in my body that doesn't wholly believe that when you cross over

you will be in heaven

you will be watching

we again will be the ones blessed

for your hands will be upon us always

praying

singing

helping us find our way.

Day 148: make up

running low

out of words

these poems

dont save themselves from my veins

they wait there

waiting for the next scratch

cut

broken

then the words fall

like leaves in boston autumn

make poems

make me beautiful

color my skin

made up with similes

metaphors

romanticize heartache

shattering skin

tomorrow

give me the heartache of bright blue eye shadow

mascara

nothing it water proof

nothing holds its beautify when the tears finally come

day 147: truth?

for over 2 years, maybe three

or 4

i've promised you a poem

tonight you will fall asleep painfully

iv drip lullabies

i have no metaphors to sooth you

i do not know what to say

except when i pray,

i imagine you

as jesus

as god

pearly gates

you

i guess if you imaging something for long enough

it comes true

day 146: heart

where are our hearts

the parts we've hidden from ourselves

tracing taste-buds onto for-arms

your fingertips

i've forgotten what they taste like backwards

my memory is screwed on sideways

somedays

i wake at midnight

while falling to sleep

dreaming

i wake at midnight

dreaming while falling asleep

asleep while dreaming

i wake

somedays

my memory is screwed on sideways

i forget to remember

remembering i forget my sideways is screwed to my memory

my memory

your memory

where are our hearts

beautiful

are we beautiful

heart?

Day 145: taking your que

you want answers to questions i havent come to terms with existence

mistake seem to dissolve if you fight hard enough to try to forget

but you have hands like memories pulling strings

and pushing buttons

i cant help but break everytime you remind me of how i've broken you

i cant hold you together form here

and these fractures fit my fingertips

but i am oceans and continents away

my arms dont stretch like that

but my heart

my heart will sing to you if you will listen

hold your tears if you allow it

i will cry with you as long as you let me

follow

i am following

day 144: Savin me

your eye match your robes

but i remember when your robes match your beard

you are the only man i will let pray for me

please pray for me

the only man i know will be in heaven

not that no one else deserves it like you

but that no one believes like you do

you are my jesus

you saved me

Day 143: fuck

finals are a bitch

tomorrow they wont exist

but life is now, Fuck

day 142:

she doesnt taste like plastic

more like water

moving

she touches me like the ocean

my whole body at once

holds me like the breeze

her grasp is cold

but her heart

her heart

is warm

like her breath

if i could i would bottle it

hold it whiles she traveling

she never stops moving

and i never stop chasing yesterday and comfort and security

we are waiting to be in one place for more than a day together

still searching for a tomorrow that seems realistic enough to picture

we are our own worst enemys

our aspirations are the only pillars between us and our dreams

day 141:haiku

this is me writing

141 poems

what a fucking waste

day 140: memory

the look in her eyes when she realizes my math isnt that bad

that when i say 4 days

it means 4 more half slept nights

3 more unwelcomed mornings

that look in her eyes

feel likes 108 days

where sleeping yourself to sleep in the arms of the one you love is nothing but a distant memory

and being alone

Day 139: silence

where is the reason in death?

whats the point in faith

when we all know it ends

Day 138: love

she has sex to procrastinate

i take advantage of that

daily

Day 137: questions?

darkness taste salt like candy

your lips

cracked slightly

moisture only held in tear duct

flowing

we are sinking in our own tears falls behind our own expectations

what will we make of tomorrow?

Day 136: white noise

trace these stories on my skin

palms sand paper breaking veins

love the life lines

the crooked ones

the ones broken

repaired

like we are broken

repaired

remember how your heart felt whole

this is no love poem baby

this are just those pictures we've been taking

since day one

trying to glue ourselves back into the cracked smiles

but now

we are just the background

the whitenoise

the sound of a wave crashing

at daybreak

Day 135:she cries

she shakes when she breathes too hard

there are diamonds falling out of her eyelids on to my chest

you can already see the scars forming

her tears scrap like sandpaper hearts on my skin

i want to go back to laughter baby

when we held each other tickled

rather than shattered

so ill hold you til you are sleeping

soundly

hum you my heart like lullaby

that is all i can promise now

Day 134: Gasping

this afternoon i soaked your pillow case with my tear

you smothered my heart with your palms

neither of us remember how to breathe properly

let alone open our wings

we've forgotten to sing each-other to sleep

like our old promises to hold each-other forver

now we only hold til midnight

gasping for morning

day 133.5: For you

This one is for Jenna.

Day 133: poem in 11 parts

what it feels like to miss the one you love in 11 parts

1.

we've been holding each other for 11 months now

3 of those with broken palms

when im gone

ill miss how my heart feels when in crumbles in her palms

now it will crumble lonesome

2.

we are victims of distance

we have no choice but to feel sorry for our broken hearts

3.

masturbation is not an option

4.

spain taste like lonely winters

hawaii feels like only half a home when she isnt there

stanford is a waste of space

5.

im learning to take life as it comes

6.

i wonder if i will forget how to feel

7.

if she picks up an accent will i still dream to her voice

8.

how quickly can someone fall out of love

9.

when she returns will she still let me hold her

10.

whats the point of crying anymore

11.

11 days

til

everything falls apart

until then, i will hold it together

Day 132: bigger dreams

today

a friend told me about a woman who wrote 365 plays in a year

so today instead of writing a poem worth remmebering im just saying that

i feel like a failure.

Day 131: i miss you already.

what does this lonesome stare taste like stale

when you leave will we forget what touch feels like

cold

in winter

will you forget my taste

my tears

how there solidify slow

fall frequent like rainfall

will you remember to listen

from spain

feel my heart on your sleeves

listen beautiful

we've already taken time

broken hearts

how much more space do we need?

Day 130:Best friend

her heart is stale of old love she loves him

but what does in love taste like anymore

she asks me

i hear her questions

but i have no answers

still mending my own heart and relearning what it feels like to be so in side of love that you cant see anything else

i am the worst friend for advice

but i can hear you cries from Hawaii to New York

DC to california

can hold your hand like best friend watch back from anywhere on this planet

whatever you decide

i'll support you

ill be there

Day 129: Haiku for my love

She's too far away

my heart cracking in her palms

i love it this way

Day 128: New York City

the city smells like old concrete

mixed with ethnic skin

extra spicy

we eat dreams on the streets like breakfast was late

we are hungry

thick accented

our skins speaks when our tongues cannot

we hold our grudges in our melanin

like history

i am new to this place

visitor

learning protocol from subway station advertisements

this city

never sleeps

never dreams at night

its saved for daybreak

here we wish for slumber

sip tea or coffee like liquor

like our past

they sting

Day 127: Fuck

im
happy
she
can't
get
me
pregnant
or

i'd be double fucked.

day 126:

im thinking about quitting.

day 125: tomorrow she is

my hearts

beatless in her palm

there is no room for broken hearts here

our space to small

this bed only fits us if we are holding each other

so we hold each other

hard

tight

like tomorrow

we are gone

and she is

tomorrow she is

love is no longer make pretend

the future will have to wait because

tomorrow she is

and there is nothing i can do about it but wait

DAy 124: blah blah blah

double flashing light poles

guide me home

like red lights

stop

think twice

brakes hard

save that space where you want it cold

new england falls

taste bitter like

west-coast winter

Day 123: Waiting

i want your dreams and that space you've saved for me..

the world can have the rest...

just hold for me the night...

thats where i'll be..

waiting...

Day 122: idk

tongue tied dry

broken promises

we forgot to hide our crossed fingertips

in this life

we cheat for love

cheat for pay

cheat for life to live

pretend to have another back other than your own

but our hands

fingers and toes are crossed

holding up of backbones

our eye diverted

supersized pride

pinky promises sour tongues

sour patch

patch me a new set of skin from your fingertips please

i've gone none left since the last love ripped it away

where is your heart love

where are your eyes

DAy 121: Papa Hanau Moku

“Homeland is the source of your identity”
We have never truly impacted our soil
Not the way it has
Unto us
Left earth printed
Like feet upon our skin
Roots upon our veins
Papa- our land rained down wakea
Growth was forced upon us
chance by habitat
that we would grow strong, brown and bloody with roots
that would only extend under and to past
haloa never fell from any tree
there is no distance from mother to child
from past to present
we are just imperfection carbon copied
we do not reach out for identity
only dig deeper within soil to build person from place

“language comes from mother earth”
mai papa keia olelo
keia moolello keia
alelo
our tongues have been passed up to us like nutrients through our roots
and we breathe our mother every time we speak
be weary with your words
do not let too much of her pass
do not speak what you might ever want back
you cannot take back what you give to this wind

I have been lost before
But as long as I keep my roots here
I will know
I am Palolo
The clay
That’s grabs at me
Keeps movement stiff
Ka ua lililehua
my rain
Falling frequent to keep growth quick
Wai’oma’o
my wind
A reminder of my inner strength
Ka’au
Is my creator
These are my mountains
My water
This is my homeland
She is my creator

Papa Hanau Moku- Keiki
mother birthed these islands- children
Owau kana Pua
i am her descendant

Day 120: shitty haiku

where love did you go

i couldnt believe you've gone

im waiting heartless

Day 119: always

sleeps soundly

our hearts folding together

like our fingertips

like our hips transfixed

like our eyes

entwined

we are that love that braids

you and i

we are that love

you are that love

i am your love

always

day 118: this is how we love

we used to listen to diamond fall to hardwood together

play peek-a-boo with out hearts like toys

listen to the tears break hearts like magic harmonies

she is my magic melody

tuned perfectly for me

somedays i feel like we dont exist anywhere other than in each-others arms and then im grounded

remembered

that i am rooted in salt stained soil

while she

flies like sky-scrapers

call her the traveler

the flight

call her the one thats leaving

and yet

i know

i left first

turning back broken like cheek to silence

i was the first mistake made public

and she

is the only reason i know i will never forgive myself for

she is my magical melody

the traveler

the one who's leaving

so i

i'll be the roots waiting

growing

learning for the changes

never thought i'd be transfixed to concrete

be she is no building

not skyscraper

she is the melody

the beauty

the reason this heart still sings

some nights

you can hear me crying im sure

but if you listen harder you'll realize

its just me and my melody

throwing tears to the wind

watching them crash into innocent hearts like diamonds

this is how we love

Day 117: why

split second silence

broken backbones breaching

afterlife always aching

telling tiles tropies

wheres the connection

why do i feel like there are already oceans between us

why does every poem turn into this broken plea for you to stay

and why wont you just listen

and stay

why am i not a big enough reason

and why do i know thats its not about me but still cant help feelings broken

why are you leaving

and why

i am unable to hold on to anything long enough without shattering it to pieces

including myself

day 116: sunshine

I wanna sing you a love song through sunshine

Break backwards tides

Like arched backs

Hold me closer

There is too much space between us now

We need no more blanket here beautiful

You and I are an ocean

Slow dancing in burning beds

A tidal wave on fire

Don’t think about it

Its too sexy to see

Our imagery doenst fit into cable tv’s

We’ve got that pay per view love baby

The kind that leave aftertastes for days

Invisible hickeys on my soul

So Love me like budda

Like im leaving

Like im fleeting

Like tomorrow im gone

Tomorrow

Im spain

Love me now

Like love songs

On repeat

And bad chord progressions

But good acoustics

And taylor guitars

Mahogany

We can burn slow if we move fast enough

Don’t question the answers

Save that for the questions

Pose something with more than your body

We are a burning tidal wave remember

The kind that cant be seen

To hot to touch’

To painful not to remember

Remember me like im jesus

Like im forver

Like this life is forver like ill see you tomorrow

Like comminted feels when you want it

Like you are Stanford

And no one is spain

And no one has to leave

And we can just stay here

We don’t need the covers

Ill hold you like cotton

Baby

I wanna sing for you like sunrise

But the tides low

In sunsets time

Tomorrow is already dark with what ifs

and your leaving

Call you spain

Call me grounded

Call you traveled

Call me frightened

Call me foolish

Call me forever

Call me whatever you want

Just don’t forget to call me

Love

And ill call you tomorrow

Don’t worry about the space baby

I’ve heard hearts can grow to drink the ocean

There is no space between us

If we keep speaking

Hold the whitewash and white noise away

Wait for day to break

Like our backs

Like our hearts

Wait for the ocean to break in silence

Wait for Spain to leave

Look for me under your covers

Ill be there waiting… for morning

Day 115:freewrite

Downtown steam tear

follicle roots rip

sandy tips breaking

crowd of rich souls

love,

see me

DAy 114: just for fun

a poets love taste like led

stinks like ink

burns like hand cramp

cold like brain freeze

love me like a brain fart

you can be my braveheart

will do it anyway what?

it was starting to rap itself

but i aint got no flow

no water her to drink

sorry

just works

few similes

smiles for miles

im getting pretty corny. :D

its a good day to be writing

day 113: elephant

im chinese

13 is bad luck

luck is the sweat that dries on my back

my back is brown

brown reminds me of roots

roots remind me of home

dad says home is where the soil is softest

soft soil is easy to grow in

growth is no longer my favorite word

i favor fat animals

elephants are fat and have cool spelling

elephant is my new favorite word

words hold my skin together

im still figuring out what holds my heart

day 112: 1, 2, 3

1.

she held fire in her eyes

and rain in her heart

burning bushed heart

10 commandments whistling in the wind

broken eardrum chimes

she is the angled of the forsaken

halo folded neatly at her ankles

an example of love and mistakes and how they are never and always the same

2.

Fire is the rapid oxidation of a combustible material releasing heat, light, and various reaction products such as carbon dioxide and water.

love is the desire to do anything to protect someone from the world

love is the question

fire just one answer

that is never and always right

the combination

is a mother and 2 daughters melting in a town house

3.

hate

it what you feel when you dont know the answer but you do and dont like it very much

love is how you learn to forgive yourself for taking so long to learn

forgiveness is a human weakness

weakness is what makes us human

human is an accumulation of sex and mistakes

mistakes make you stronger

false

mistakes help you learn

true

truth is absolutely relative

relativity cannot be explained without making a judgement on the absolute

the absolute doenst exist

if it cannot be explained it must not exist

thus truth does not exist

love does not exist

we are a result of love

thus we do not exist

3.

i think she found out the answers before the rest of us

and they scared her

im not sure if i think shes selfish

or genius.

3. before she lit the room

i imagine her counting to three

like every suicide divers reminder that there is a split second before impact

1.

there is a moment that follows the broken understanding that life

is not just a set of questions and contradictions

2.

there are choices

we give numbers to trails we havent walked upon

and hope we still reach an end

3. in life we count in threes

stutter at the finality of the pattern

pause

1

think

2

is there still a way out?

3

no.

4.

the flame burns

the body melts

the story

ends

...

if there is an end, then maybe we did exist,

maybe she was wrong.

DAy 111: Oscar

Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about

-oscar wilde

today we put practice to praising in joke

hold humor in our hearts

iron satire to our skin

this is too important not to laugh at

i imagine a million people not giving a damn when oscar wilde died

and who would

care to talk seriously about a homosexual author

could they ever imagine his genius

how he loved like he wrote

through lying honesty

how he held him to his cheek like his did his punch-lines

black eyes page markers

"The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius"

so we threw stakes at your line breaks

spat at your heart

held you like we did road kill on sundays

only because we couldnt forgive our selves for our own faults

DAy 110: looks

She usually smells like coffee

Lips lick of chocolate

Fingertips melting grip on my hips

But this morning

I awoke to the stench of torn landing gear

The sound of metal and rubber scraping against concrete

Flight attendant instructions

Tight polyester rubbing against skin

Motion sickness

She smells like leaving

Like tears

Like goodbyes taste on Sunday afternoons

She smells like lies

Looks like heartbreak

Like I tore her skin off to see myself in it

She smells like me being broken again

For the 2nd

3rd

4^th time this week

shes taste like im not enough

like I once was

but not for long enough

she looks like

she looks like

she looks like

she looks like she still loves me

but doesn’t remember how to hold me

I imagine I look like a lie

Like its time for goodbye

Like I smell like her being broken for the

10^th

11^th

12^th time today

she looks like shes running away

I look like im letting her leave

We look like we fallen out of love

she looks

i look

we look

but we dare not touch

Day 109: Guns

In America we flaunt our guns like our dicks

Caress, click, trigger, pull, stick,

unload

And when we are empty just get another dirty magazine

we've hidden from our mothers in our underwear drawers

reload

springing cartridges into chamber

unload again

rinse, reload, repeat

its quicker this time

do you see the pattern placing death on repeat

ejaculation of steel distruction is a learned practice to be perfected

like hygiene

boys learn it like puberty

And our sons learn these games like birth rights, at thirteen learn to cum steel

take on material infatuation in metal magazines

Hiding their fascination in code switch

from cars to clips

Live in the "hang-fire" of hammer to fire

Like Jordan lived in the hang-time of push to flight

but our sons are falling stars

their glocks and cocks in their pockets are too heavy to move with

so they sit in living room couches

watching advertisements from mind playing manufacturers

in 1983

with firearm sales plummeting manufactures decided to broaden the target audience from adult white males to women and youth

making weapons more accessible, affordable, and appealing

one of the first guns to be release, "the viper"

just like the dodge

combines compact speed, power, and appeal for a price

plus sleet beauty

guns are sexier than girlfriend at 13 and these boys pay their lives to them in backyard brawls

eric, lives two doors down from me, knows the names of every gun manufactured in America today

And spends his lunch money on air soft assault riffles waiting for the day he can hold the heavy steel of a real ak-47 to his cheek

I wonder what he expects to do with this machine

will he kiss her on their firsts date

will he hold her like a woman or hold his women like her

will he ever learn the scent of shampoo to overpower gunpowder

will he grow old enough to ever know? i wonder

eric claims he was admitted to stanford because he knows how to build bazookas

he's the youngest boy in my dorm

and our society is already paying into his addition to explosions

already investing in his infatuation

he is 17 and spits gunpowder when he speaks

has a nack for disaster but a smile like candy

and i worry that soon he wil just ad to the thousands lost to metal

because

in america

we are spreading a plague like privilege

between 1979 and 1991 more children died on the firing streets of america than american soldiers dies on the death roads of vietnam

because we teach our sons to pull triggers like there is no effect

play. die. reset.

reload.

die

repeat

reload

reset.

we cant

we die

its done

its death.

Day 108: James

James says some nights

He can hear Jessica tap dancing on his scull

She is easels paintbrush dancing on his memories

Rhythmic broken screaming in his eardrum

When do you sleep james?

When are your thoughts silent enough to dream to?

Does Jessica ever feel like a lullaby?

James the last time I held you

it was two hours until night

two hours until I could feel your mind flip

dive into conversations one after the other dialogue

with persons stuck somewhere in the space between your ears

dancing along the place where your thoughts use to be

james calls his mother dreamer

and she tells him at sunrise

there is nothing in the dark of your mind

but he

he knows she doesn't know what teddy bears turn into in the dark

at sunset

she only sees her son turned christopher robin holding childhood too tight

and jessica is the only one who never forgets to kiss him goodnight

sometimes james mothers forgets what name he answers to so she slings silent prayers to her son

knowing

there is no room for more voices between his ears

there is already too much clutter there

Day 107: MAGNETS

broken backwards.

standing wordsmith.

pick your cards right.

chasing poison.

hold your hearts out.

which is prettiest?

is there something beautiful about shattering magnets?

i've read somewhere that the Strength of magnetic field can depreciate over time..

by being pulled apart..

rip my field apart.

place me on the opposite end on the table.

check.

am i still attractive?

DAy 106: Kumulipo (expanded)

My father is a 5’10” brown skinned prophet

He speaks history bedtime stories

Recites distant time lines like family birthdays

Genealogies of ancient Hawaiian kings like they were his kin

he is cultural knowledge in collegiate skins

a phd in yesterdays but too many tomorrows have passed

and we live in a world where we only think about today and not past

Jonathan kay kamakawiwoole osorio is too much Hawaiian to count quantum

Too much love to hold

he is my father and my hero

but my father has forgotten his own grandparents middle names

Forgotten what color thread god used to sew him together with

And I am beginning to wonder how my whitewashed fingertips will pick up the pieces if my fathers own palms have named them forgotten

And when those palms are buried

Lifeline facing god

Tangled in tattered roots

Will mine remember how to fold into prayers and

will his voice still answer through soil

Will my father still be a teacher when he is truly speechless?

And how much will die with him

Will he leave only regret for me to remember questions too tongued tied to speak

And tears I cant seem to turn into anything resembling remembrance

Will my own fathers death be in vain

At my hand, The flame broken and no torch left to light

At whose fault will the torch be lost

its been only 230 years since contact

230 years since the last time our 2000 lined creation chant was sung in full

our kumulipo the genealogy of our existence

but we've already lost connection with our own grandparents

what happened to the ones forgotten before them

the ones who shaped my heart from their rib cages

i want to taste the tears in their names

want to trace their souls into my vocal chords so that i can feel related again

Because My history is breaking

Held together only marginally by cultural sovereignty

Only the few who care that

Our roots cannot remember themselves

Cannot remember how to dance if we don’t chant for them

And will not sing unless we are listening

And we, only speak hawaiian in empty classroom. from textbooks

and we fear our American accents

soo much that our tongues feel too foreign in our own mouths we dont dare speak out loud

so we can’t even remember our own parents names

and who will care to remember mine if I don’t teach them?

i want to teach my future children

how to spell family with my middle name- Heolimeleikalnai

how to hold love with Kamakawiwo'ole

how to taste culture in the Kumulipo

please

do not forget me

my mana

do not forget my soul

my father

Kamakawiwo'ole

who could not forget his own

Leialoha

we have failed you and forgotten the ones before

so do not forget whats left

cuz this is all we have

you wont find our roots online

we have no dances or chants if we have no history

just rants

no roots

just tears

this is all i have of our family history

and now its yours

O Elroy Thomas Leialoha Osorio he kane

o Clara Ku’ulei Kay he wahine

Noho pu laua a hanau ia o Jonathan Kamakawiwoole Kay Osorio he kane

O Jonathan Kay Kamakawiwoole Osorio he kane

o mary carol dun he wahine

Noho pu laua a hanau ia o Jamaica Heolimeleikalani Osorio he wahine

do not forget us

mai poina

day 105: she had eyes

She had eyes

Blue

Soft like the sincerest of apologies

She’s heard them too many times im sure

Its not you

Its me

Im sorry

How blind of a lie can build walls between her beauty and what the world sees

I wonder who built this masterpiece

Placed each limestone block beneath the one before to create a temple of love to worship

And how can no one else see its beauty

I am not a patchwork quilt

Don’t dare sew your history into me

She screams some nights through her dreams

I wonder

Why build a wall before you when you could use that same energy to build pillars within you that would actually hold you up

I’ll be the walls the stand after he rest falls

Day 104: synchronized

She tasted like home

But only on the weekends

When time was spent beneath sheets

When we could stay up as late as we wanted to

That’s when we should sleep

Otherwise

Nights on the eves of papers and test to distant from our skin to feel anything especially pertinent

we laid awake upon each other

Synchronizing or breaths and kissing ourlips swollen

Day 103: done

i dont want to write

Day 102: Moist

Moist

Sliding upwards through skin

Watered back broken fracture

Have your tears hardened yet?

Learned to hold your ducts like broken mothers

Snuggle against memories

Like daughters learn to be held by the hearts of their fathers

Where do we begin

And when do we start living

Again

I miss the way you used to look at me with something other than disgust tattooed to your pupils

I’m still bent backwards from actions I cant dare want to take back

Day 101: Worth it?

there is silence written into the hidden secrets you kissed into my wrists

cuts grazing skins like promises that are not meant to be given or recieved

you can see the torture writing intself to my memory

if you look close enough

sometimes

you can see my skin crying

in every place you managed to forget to touch

suffocating

these are the part of my body that are broken

feel them

how my skin turns shark hard to your fingertips in fear

how my voice shatters in your presence

this is not nervousness

this is survival at its best

there are pieces of stone implanted

into my fingertips from trying to tear down walls

ash in my hair from bridges burned

these are the games we play without hearts

our lungs

beatbox broken

fingertips break dance on the hardwood of our souls

trying to caress something more significant

and what if we come up empty

what if all we ever do here is forget to remember

was it all worth it them?

the cold blood on skin

the dirty fingernails

the broken hearts

if we do not remember any of it

did it really ever happen?

is it actually worth it?

DAY 100: Confusion.

I can still taste you on my skin

Feel your breath here

But late at night

I find my self

Sleeping in skin that suddenly feels more foreign than ever wondering

Where is your mind

I cant find mine either

Its lost somewhere under

Actions and metaphors

Sinking in regretless water feels kind of like hanging yourself with your own veins

I’ve got scratches on my chest from trying to hold myself back from passion

Stretch marks between my breast from a heart growing too large for my skeleton

My skin in ripping at the seams

And I cant seem to hold my thoughts close enough to reason to make sense of either

You see

I left my integrity under your sheets

Along with my loyalty

Have you felt either yet

Day 99: Mr. North Star

We are the ones we’ve been searching for

Through starred maps

Constellations

And yet constantly we find our selves in this continued search

Motion

We cant stop moving

Can’t stop breathing

Dig deeper

Find roots in the skis transformation and follow them upward this time

There is no need to dig

In our past

Our future lies above our heads

Not Under our nose

We have been found

We just have to open our star sunken eyes to notice

DAy 98: no one told me you could break your own heart.

if a hammer hits something hard enough

its not hard for it to shatter

did you find my limbs underneath your sheets last night love

my torn fingernails from biting them off my hands clean

i shook last night for 6 hours straight waiting for the sun to rise

waiting for the pain to settle

i tried to hold you in my eyelids this morning but you werent keen in staying there

i let you run through me today

ill let you do it again tomorrow

as long as its still you

as long as we are still connected somehow love

i'll cry you every morning noon and night

just to feel you somewhere

just to keep feeling

Day 97: my brother

My brother is a big man

My hero

Protectorate

Role model

And I’m more than fortunate to have him

He’s scared away bullies and unworthy boyfriends

Kept away nightmares monsters and all that comes with them

But I’ve never been blessed enough to say that I’ve ever been there to protect

him

Even though we shared a room until he was 13

because HE was scared of what might be hiding in the dark

I know he’d do anything to protect ME

We share scars and stories to explain them

Of times when our actions were less than smart

But it was always okay in the end

And we always found the end somehow

Together

But The end has never been longed for

like this before

Whether crashed in the back of a car, drowning at pipeline, or stupidly surfing at makapu’u when the forecast promised ten feet

The end was always better

Because in the end

Duncan always kept me as safe as he could

And if he couldn’t bring me to safety

He would bring safety to me

You see sometimes I’m stubborn,

And weak

and ignorant

But Duncan is wise

when he wants to be

most importantly Duncan has always been

strong

for me

But lately he’s been sporting a new mantra

Title

He claims to be a broken souljah

And it breaks me to hear it

Because he was always

My man of steal

Unbreakable

Invincible

and so Never did I expect that a womans words would be the final weight to break through a dark skinned warriors ribcage

And place a black demon called regret on his heart

And allow its poison to sink

I learned a lot from my brother

He thinks I’ve learned more from his mistakes than his accomplishments

But I don’t think he understands how much of his life I see to be a success

I’m proud of him

And feel blessed to be able to learn form him

But this is one lesson I wish I could of learned from someone elses tears

Or accomplishment

You see

My brother and I had the same upbringing

But somehow in the future I found myself afloat watching my brother sink

And we’ve both had our fair share of heartbreaks weight

But he’s been my tangible proof that I should be more careful with the heart of a man

I never new a man could break.

And I’m ashamed to be of the same image to crack the marrow protecting the soul hidden within the beat his chest sings

Oh how his chest used to sing

But now its only screaming silence

Praying someone might feel the earth tremble when depression half heartedly solidifies

For water to flow through tired eyes

Duncan,

My brother

My dark skinned warrior

I can hear your cries

And I’m trying to be the hands I was born to be

to catch each tear before its echoes erodes the floor beneath you

Causing you to sink

Duncan I’m sorry

I’m sorry I was born second so you had to be the one to test the waters

To kill the fire

To take the trail first and allow me to follow

Im sorry I was born a step behind so I was able to hide while you took every punch life decided to throw

Duncan I’m sorry

And so I try

Fight

I strive to step ahead of you so that maybe I can start to shield you from life

But my stride is short and steps slow

But believe me

I’m trying to be your big sister

Even if age tells me I should stay bellow

I know

That sometimes

A big brother needs someone to hide behind

And I can be that

I know I seem broken

but I swear I can fix you

And though I know two halves don't always make a whole.

sometimes half a heart just stays half and hurt

I refuse for you to follow suit

Because you are better than those who wrote the rules

You are Duncan

My dark skinned warrior

Kamakanaonakuahiwi

Our gift from the mountains

The gods children

but most importantly

you are my brother

We are family

Born of blood that birthed eyes never scared of their vision

kamakawiwo’ole

one whose eyes refuse fear

but you do not have to be

one

do not have to stand alone

stand in front

we can be

two

or more

we can stand stronger as family

na maka wiwo’ole

I know the future is scary

But don’t fear the end

Remember Duncan

The end was always happy

And though the world laughs

Sways

And changes

Some things ALWAYS remain

Do not be afraid

Because

In the end

Duncan

I promise

As your little sister

We will both be happy

And it will be okay