Day 825: i do not need to be reminded of my passive aggressiveness

i made a pledge
not to let your silence turn me inside out
not to scrape the last bits of me from this cavity
not to remember
how long it was i wanted you whole while you wanted only parts of me
scattered across your bedroom floor
not that most days i felt like you loved me convenient
especially in the end
that i was poster and picture worthy
something to hang above the mantle
as you let foreign bodies sweat on the same pillows i fell in love with you on
while i learned to leave a half of my heart open to anyone but you
someone else with a pretty smile and light eyes
who'd take me whole
or build these pieces back into a fortress
this is how i learned to forget our promise
our potential
our future
slowly
and in silence
its what kept me standing upright and heavy
kept me from floating away

it the same reason i will try to keep the silence
not let you feel the way your tug can pull me back at your convenience
that i have learned to be more steady
found myself heavier anchors
and made new promises
one will a girl whos eyes wants to keep them
who holds me in distance
in love
in everything you were afraid to do
were "too young" to do

sometimes its not about timing
sometimes it about patience
and a miss matched pairing
sometimes its about not being right at all
maybe we were no comfort and all fall
not high and all crash
maybe we were just adrenaline junkies getting our fix
or maybe we were one too many mistakes to fix either way i learning to not mind the silence
to become accustomed to you trying to come and go
learning not to be a swinging door

so yes,
to answer your question
i am here
i am okay
i am all these things i have always been
just a little stronger
and a little less willing to allow myself to fall back into your tsunami