Day 769: not fair. not mine.

this wont be fair
wont be easy to read
if you arent ready to be angry
you should probably
leave


tonight
the hands of a woman will hold you
but they are the wrong hands
your body
will no belong pressed between her
she will not kiss you the way she should
will not know all the secrets i left in the cracks in your skin
all the parts of myself you still carry there
heavy
like sin
like a lie
like promises
the parts of me you named forgotten

there will be no peace
no stillness
nothing about the way the air falls will hold you
not the way i did
the way i tried
night after night
to be more than enough to fill you
you will feel empty
and for a moment
you will mistake the two feelings
i know this
because i have turned myself over and inside out enough times to know the difference between the fuckery that is casual sex
and the secret worlds i tried to build with you under the sheets
this is the only promise i make

that my body
will never feel as safe as it did the first night i let you hold every part of me naked
and yours
will never feel as loved
no one will try and care as much as i did
not enough to be brought to tears by the fear of not being enough
because somehow
the one who would
will be the one you keep
you will let her hold you tight against her body
your back will arch at the sound of her breath
you will stay
wanting nothing more than to see her chest fall
eventually
her hair will fall to your sides
you will be there to witness the crumbling of a life
of her life
we will spend the next 15 years wondering why

but you sould take this as you leave
know that there were silences we could never overcome
and everything cracked in the hum of your distance
of your inability to still the waters raving in my chest
because all i ever needed
was you to sit on the other end of a phone line while i cried
no matter how inconvenient the time
listen to me shatter
pieces of me falling to my sides
it was in the moment of silence after the click of your phone line
when i stayed holding the phone up to my ear for a least 10 minutes after
that i knew for sure that i was yours
but you
would never be mine