Day 752: Leave me broken

Today
i made a new playlist
named it leave me broken
it starts with a song by jacks mannequin called rescued
cuz i know anyone whose ever been here wants to know how to build themselves back
no one here wants to be saved
and the ones who do
dont deserve it
so im floating in between the bodies of two women im not sure ill ever love enough to defeat the distance

adele says she gave it all
tried her best
makes me wonder if ive even give half
maybe we just made plans
but never tried to keep them
wrote down the sacrifices that would come
eventually
just give it time
we will grow into this kind of obligation
responsibility
never thought love would ever be covered by these kinds of things

maybe its the way im held
or not held
maybe i never told you how i needed to be kept sturdy
maybe you never listened
maybe we'll never know either way
there are all these parts of us that were never perfect
and barely whole
barely noticeable until we are sinking
until the water is filling the cracks we never knew how to repair

this is a poem called fragment
called shuffle
called
short tempered
and short sided
this is a poem called distance
and oceans
called bodies and women
this is a poem called you
and me
and her
and everything else in our way that has nothing to do with hair shades, softness and beating hearts
this is the poem that came after all the complicated words were gone
and the meaning was left without description
this is a poem for the breath that separates the tears
the silence in the fade between songs
to the steps we never took to close the distance between our coasts

jenna
you will not know that i am gone
when i am
i know this because i have been gone so many times already
and havent noticed even a blink from your horizon
you will not feel me carried under
because its been done and you've still standing there leaving our love where it was born
i did not write any of this to say you are to blame
the right woman or man would have given you enough to carry the ocean on your back
maybe that isnt me
and maybe we are those first real loves that break
maybe we are the kind that crash and carry with us forever
like the look in my brother eye when i know he's wondering about a girl in san fransisco who he'll never hold again
and when i wonder
if hell ever fall as hard and true
sometimes i wonder
these things for us too

jenna
this is a poem
called sorry
called i need to come home
called i cannot be where you are
and cannot be with you if you are not here
this is a poem called growing old
and alone
called transition
and trying to be strong
this is a poem called failure
and lessons never learned
this is a poem called true love
and its broken
like us
like me
like silence
like the sea
like all the gravity that never learned to push us back
this is a poem called try again
even if its wrong
force the pieces in
because fear is too real to be ignored
and you're absence
is the ending
i never wanted to write
again