Day 772: for halsey (better late than never)

i told you i wasnt what i didnt want to be
cuz someone
somewhere once told me
that its all about positive thinking
but i was honest
when i said i wasnt ready
that i could hold your hand
but wouldnt be able to hold you steady
my lips
know no magic
my heart
beats more like a tide than any part of my body
sometimes im here
sometimes im gone
it has something to do with the moon
but i havent figured out my pattern yet
so i extend my arms looking for the touch of a beautiful woman
tell her secrets
i think should be true
and trust her not to be broken
trust her body to bear the weight of my inability to stay
trust her to not make me a monster
to let me leave when there is no more ground under me
so many promises i made in my head
i'll never learn how to keep

know,
there are poems still hidden under my skin
laced with all the words i never knew how to say
that growing up was something i should have started years ago
but instead
you got caught in the crossfire of my growing pains
im sorry for the silence
for the distance
and the kisses i had laced with disaster
you deserved better

so the next time
someone calls me a heart breaker
i wont deny it
wont make any promises
just say
its true
i've left a few girls shattered in my wake
my body still carries their signature somewhere in its DNA
its something i've tried to forget
but every once and i while
i read a poem
that i know is written to me
or someone like me
and i remember
what it feels like to be on the other end of this silence
waiting for someone to set the world ablaze
with their speech