Day 30: Waiting (LAST DAY)

Twice a week

I wake to the smell of proteins slowly solidifying in syringes

Just waiting to be released

Sundays and Thursdays supposed to be after dinner but sometimes im early

It just depends on my mood or if I even feel mechanistic enough to heal

Sometimes I kill immunities in the morning

I inhale the scent of metal and sweat just waiting to press a too dull needle beneath my skin and fat

Hoping that this time

In the moments I wait between joint and medicated pain

I might find some sort of new way to move

A lot of my life is spent waiting

But not for the sting

That comes quickly

Range of motion

That comes slowly

Following

Sometimes too far behind to even draw a connection

Im wondering what level ill go to next if I ever want to play sports again

You see I want to recover

So I take medicine

Every morning and night

Not quite sure how much

Because I don’t really pay attention

But at any given time there can be up to 2k milligrams of anti-inflammatories running through veins

and 50mg of imuno suppressing proteins

I’m lucky

Because even after an auto immune disease has captures my joints

Named me arthritis

I’m still walking

And so twice I week

I take my immune system two triggers back when I release

Kill my bodies ability to protect me from the common cold, mono, or anything else that requires decent imunities

Just so that I can bend my knees??

And breathe

And because of this

I know the grass isn’t always greener

The air isn’t always cleaner

And the pain and confusion hardly ever gets any clearer

So where do I turn

Who do I look to

Because I’ve been looking inward through mirrors that

Only reflect more problems and issues that I don’t have the answers to

I’m just a teen loaded with unanswerable questions

Spending ours on commercial search engines

googling my own conditions

time-lining my own skewed existence

looking back on a life I haven’t yet lived

Twice a week

I injest these things

Two shots for whats in-between

Two shots closer to being free

I wait for health

I wait for release

I’m waiting for remission

I’m not sure when its coming

Because

I’ve heard it smells a lot less like syringes and more like peace

And yet

I’m still waiting

Wondering

When my life will step outside of the lines that’s hold only 3 days periods

When I start to live with out times restrictions

Wondering when the lines will expand to fit my whole body and life in

Without making me cut and paste strength and pain

Im waiting for the approval to live again

Im waiting for the strength that doesn’t come in a bottle of syringe

Im waiting for my body to stop being such a baby

Im waiting

Im watching

Im wishing

And I’m wondering

If the waiting

Will ever start to feel like living